Apprentice New Season Begins Tonight

I won't be recapping it. I don't know if I'll even have time to watch it. But I felt like I should at least acknowledge that it's starting tonight. :-)

04/26/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Product Recall

I updated/expanded this one at the old site and am reposting it here. It was my very first "Great Moments."

Jim: What kind of bear is best?

Andy: Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.

Jim: Lord, beer me strength!

Dwight: Those are the money-beets.

Michael: I would like to present you with this novelty check.

Angela: I think he had Tourette's or something.

Dwight: Goat on chicken; chicken on goat; couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Michael: I'm calling the ungrateful beeyotch hotline!

Angela: What's 4+7?

Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.

Michael: They're trying to make me an escape goat.

Pam: That was your best video apology ever.

Dwight: Blah, blah, a little comment, hmm.

02/01/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Ben Franklin

Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery.

Michael: To jump-start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these, and clip them wherever.

Michael: Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman's bra.... You just twist your hand until something breaks.

Michael: This may be Phyllis's only wedding ever. It's my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins.

Michael: I had a very different understanding as to what primae noctis meant.

Michael: It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

Pam: I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP, ANGELA!

Jim: Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.

Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called "Banana Slings." Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: I got all the foot off of it.

Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art.

Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? I have a girlfriend.

Elizabeth: You want me to answer the phones with my clothes on?

Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity. I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Michael: Stripper, could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend you danced up on me?

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

01/18/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Return

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words: Hard working, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.

Kevin: Hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?

Angela: Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things and I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired and I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations and certain accountants.

Michael: I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

Michael: Go find firecrackers and a chihuahua.

Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, like Pepe?

Michael: Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.

Dwight: Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral.

Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man.

Pam: I think we broke his brain.

Michael: I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

01/11/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Traveling Salesmen

"Harvey": Me so horny. Me love you long Tim.
[...]
Pam: I'd love to meet Long Tim.

Andy: I'm not falling in a chocolate river.

Andy: Every success I've ever had - in my job, or with the ladyfolk - has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.

Dwight: I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

Andy: We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.

Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.

Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.

Andy: Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax Not Yours, Inc."

Andy: Oompa loompa doompadee dossum, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome.

Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me, so much, but he will be missed.

Dwight: One of my life's goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

12/14/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - A Benihana Christmas (2 parts)

Dwight: Can you watch this? I'm going to get my carving knife out of the trunk.

Dwight: Apparently they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.

Dwight: You can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.

Michael: This is my girlfriend Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em the other side.

Pam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. They're considering him for a top-secret mission.

Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!

Jim: Will they still air Rudolph?

Michael: How did you push away the bad thoughts? Like maybe the reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed that were foreign and scary.

Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: Now orange is whorish.

Dwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song?

Michael: We're going to Asian Hooters.

Meredith: Is that a threat?
Angela: No, it's an invitation.

Kevin: I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela.

Darryl: When you get done with your meeting, you should come to the break room. We're having a party.

Angela: Where's Dwight?
Cindy: Is he the hot one, or the giant baby?

Angela: I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.

Michael: You know how all waitresses look alike.

Michael: I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals Jamaica.
Cindy: No, I have school.

Michael: I put a mark on her arm so I could tell 'em apart.

Oscar: Too soon.

Jim: Maybe the CIA could send a helicopter.

Dwight: "You have been compromised. Abort mission, destroy phone."

11/30/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Convict

Kevin: Why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he's black.

Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Jim: Do you speak Pig Latin?

Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

Kevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?

Karen: You can't give paper clips to a baby. He could swallow them.
Creed: That's okay. I've got tons of 'em.

Michael: This office is the American Dream, and they would rather be in the "hole."

Jim: Can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?

Prison Mike: I am here to scare you straight!...I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped the president's son and held him for ransom... And I never got caught, neither... Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothin'but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair... The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.

Michael: If this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

Michael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford to a convict to my friend back to a convict then to kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

Andy: Someday we'll find it, the Ainbowray Onnectioncay,..

11/16/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Merger

Dwight: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight: I could beat that on a skateboard.

Pam: This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer.

Michael: You're very exotic-looking. Was our father a GI, or...?

Andy: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Karen: It smells like a funeral home... never mind, I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.

Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.

Michael: Tony, please join your cohorts on the table, if you will.

Michael: I'm under this hock here... I'm right in your crack!
Tony: It's just not a good fit.
Michael: We'll squeeze you in.

Michael: They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out - it's so hateful: "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck."

Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.

Michael: Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change, because by the end of the fourth grade the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.

11/09/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Branch Closing

Jim: I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.

Michael: Show me that farm with Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking.

Andy: The Scranton branch is closing? In your face!

Jim: I always knew that the branch would shut down someday, I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Roy: You know that Cinderella song "You Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it in words.

Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.

Michael: We did it! We did it!!... how did we do it? I don't understand.

11/02/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Diwali

Michael: That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up, because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

Dwight: "I see dead people." He was dead the whole time.

Andy: We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I.

Michael: I'm doin' it with Carol. Probably tonight.

Carol: I thought you said this was a costume party.

Michael: These s'mores are disgusting.

Pam: At least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

Kelly's Dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?

Michael: Is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire?

Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money now to start a family and home?
Ryan: Or travel, and buy an Xbox.
Dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen.

Pam: I'm rejecting your kiss.

04/12/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Safety Training

Andy: I'm Drew now.

Dwight: I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Michael: I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.

Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.

Darryl: You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin'on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

Michael: Big deal. I've worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato...

Dwight: I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.

Michael: This is about doing. Not thinking.

Andy: When's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight: Unshun. Never. Reshun.

Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you. I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Michael: I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes.

04/05/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Negotiation

Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Jim: Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or throwing stars.

Dwight: The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime - those are the real heroes.

Michael: Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that, wow. Genius.

Darryl: Are you wearing lady clothes?

Michael: I do not buy women's clothes. Would not make that mistake again.... I wear men's suits. I got this out of a bin.

Michael: Every year, I get a $100 gas card. You can't put a price tag on that.

Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Michael: I accidentally cross-dressed.

02/22/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Cocktails

Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Pam: I'm going to start telling people what I want directly. So look out world, 'cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants... and don't call me "Pammy."

Dwight: You know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Jan: What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing; downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse into myself like a dying star.

Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said.

Michael: "No" means "please don't."

Jim: What the hell, have you dated every guy here?

Karen: Hey, Jan!
Jan: Not so good.

Michael: It's funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan.

Dwight: I found some termite damage in a crawl space, and some structural flaws in the foundation, so... all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Roy: I didn't do anything. Ask anybody. I totally could have, and I didn't at all.

Michael: If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle.

Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.

10/19/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Initiation

Michael: I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you.

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.

Dwight: Ryan, just get in the coffin.

Dwight: They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Dwight: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.

Jim: How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?

Stanley: 364 days till the next Pretzel Day.

10/12/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Grief Counseling

Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Jim: I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Creed: A human can go on living fo several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What'd I say?

Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.

Dwight: I gave him a six-foot extension cord so he can't chase us.

Michael: Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here it would reach all the way to Reception. Probably get on Pam.

Michael: He leaves work, he's on his way home, Wham! His cappa is ditated from his head.

Michael: If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael: It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly alone.

Dwight: I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Ryan: My cousin, Mufasa, was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard, all of us kind of in the audience... of what happened.

Michael: Toby killed this bird and now we are going to honor it.

Michael: Grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

09/28/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Convention

Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Or not adopt.

Michael: You know what Pam? If in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...

Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, "looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut."

Michael: Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.

Michael: You don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Jim: When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke.

Kevin: Pam's back on the market again. If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.

Kelly: Allen's cartoons are so funny, right? And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.

Michael: I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the papaer industry. Is he why you left?

Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu so he knows you're worth it.
Stanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out.
Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.

Allen: "Freedom fries for the table." People always say don't be edgy, but I don't know any other way.

09/21/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Gay Witch Hunt

Dwight: Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. I cry myself to sleep. False. I do not miss him.

Michael: You don't call retarded people "retards." It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded.

Michael: I have been calling people "faggy" since I was in junior high and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know.

Jim: I can't say whether Dunder-Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.

Karen: Jim's nice enough, but I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that?

Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.

Kelly: It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Oscar: Yes, I am super-cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellan.

Andy: I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm going to lose my freakin'mind!

Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?

Creed: In the 60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Michael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela: Judges and juries.

Phyllis: We all thought you were gay in high school, what with your ties and your matching socks.

Michael: I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this, and I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.

Michael: Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

02/09/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Valentine's Day

Meredith: "Happy Valentine's Day darling, Love, Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."

Michael: It's New York, city of love.

Michael: New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan's the other name.

Dwight: It's me. I'm the bobble-head.

Ryan: I hooked up with her on February 13th.

Michael: Times Square! Most people, when they come to New York, they come to the Empire State Building. That's very touristy. I come here.

Michael: This is the world-famous Rockefeller Center, founded of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is the skating rink, and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes.

Pam: Sometimes a gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean like a ham?

Michael: Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmarks of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our basis on.

Michael: I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, what it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes, or try on Phyllis's pants.

Michael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Roy: Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home, and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.

10/04/05: Great Moments in "The Office" - Office Olympics

Dwight: He's like Mozart, and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, and you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Kevin: We call it "hateball" because of how much Angela hates it.

Stanley: Yeah, I've got a game. It's called Work Hard So My Kids Can Go To College.

Angela: I do play games. I sing, and I dangle things in front of my cats.

Dwight: If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Pam: When he's excited about something, like Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so, that hardly ever happens.

Dwight: Question: My grandparents left me a large number of armoires...

Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to Reception to talk to you.

Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

Jim: Those are the doves.

09/27/05: Great Moments in "The Office" - Sexual Harrassment

Michael: We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey, and Pam is Rachel, and Dwight is Kramer.

Michael: One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so you know one thing led to another, And we brought 'em back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!

Toby: Basic rule of thumb - let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.

Jim: Oh my God, put on a shirt. I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European.

Michael: You are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us, Darryl banged her... and he's about 90% sure.

Michael: I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"? Wow, that is really hard. Do you really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Pam's mom: So, which one is Jim?

Michael: I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here. Give me a kiss. I'm not worried. You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Michael: At some point the daddy can't take a bath with the kids any more. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to.

03/24/05: Great Moments in "The Office" - first episode

Michael: Thank you very much, sir. You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...oh, I'm sorry. My mistake.

Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago.

Michael: That was a joke that, uh, was actually my brother's.

Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?

Michael: As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: Right here. Three Stooges. High five. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing.

Dwight: I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview.

Michael: I think I'm a role model here.

Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again!

Jim: Dwight, I'm sorry. Because I have always been your biggest flan.

Ryan: You should have put him in custardy.

Michael: I'm a friend first, a boss second, probably an entertainer third.

Michael: You have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.

01/26/06: Great Moments in "The Office"

This one aired before I started doing "Great Moments," but I recently caught the rerun and just happened to have a pen handy. It's the one where someone leaves a big stinky fudge dragon in Michael's office.

Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

Creed: Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and applaud as I walked away.

Michael: Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off.

Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.

Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well, I hated it. A lot.

Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in the office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.

Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!

Packer: Did you get that package I left for you?

Michael: It was done out of love, just like I thought.

Pam: I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.

Celebrity Apprentice, 5/23/2010 (#11): Final Task

I had hoped to get a taste of the two new tea flavors before writing the recap, but I couldn't find any. The Snapple website says that Shaw's has it in Massachusetts, but I didn't see any in the store I went to - nor even an empty spot for it on the shelf where it would have been. It was a big shelf, too, filled to capacity (having just been restocked) with regular, peach, and raspberry tea. No Compassion Berry, and no Trop-A-Rocka.

Team Bret: Summer Sanders, Darryl Strawberry

Team Holly: Maria Kanellis, Curtis Stone

Ears/Eyes: Junior & Ivanka Trump

Task: Create a new Snapple flavor and design the label; create a 30-second TV ad for it and a three-page print ad. Judging will include originality, creativity, branding, and charity integration. Winner's charity will receive $250,000.

Last week:

Michaels is happy to get Summer Sanders and Darryl Strawberry on his team. Strawberry tells us he wants to redeem himself.

Peete tells us she's hoping to get Sanders; she's visibly disappointed to get Stone and Kanellis instead, but tells us she'll take whatever help she can get. Kanellis is eager to talk about the TV and print ads right away, and persists in making suggestions even after Peete tells her that they really need to focus on their new tea flavor for now. They'll develop their creative concept based on the outcome of their taste-test at the mall.

As a diabetic, Michaels wants to do a diet tea. He wants to use cinnamon and passion fruit, both of which are good for regulating blood sugar levels.

Stone is helpful to Peete in the flavor selection, advising against using "winter flavors" (like cinnamon?) for a product that will be sold in the summer. Her first choice is passion fruit and strawberry - "Compassion Berry." I think coconut is also mentioned, though it doesn't make it into the final product.

So they both like passion fruit. Cool! Did I mention that they can't use the same flavors, and will have to negotiate with each other for the flavors they want? Peete sends Stone to the negotiation, since he knows more about Michaels than she does. To us, Sanders voices doubts about Michaels being able to get what he wants.

Michaels opens the negotiation by telling Stone all of his ideas - first and second choices, and all of the combinations he's considering. (What is he thinking?) Needless to say, he doesn't get any passion fruit. Not wanting to waste a lot of time on the negotiation when there's so much else to do, he quickly caves. Fortunately, Stone doesn't cripple his backup plans too, so Michaels ends up with a lot of alternates that he's happy with. Meanwhile, Peete has exactly what she wants.

Michaels comes up with two flavor combos - Pear-Plum-Nutty (nutmeg - winter flavors!), and Trop-A-Rocka which turns out to be pear-mango-peach-vanilla-cinnamon.

They take their teas to the mall for taste testing. Apparently, Peete's team has something with basil in it that seems to test well, but I don't think basil made it into the final product. Kanellis gripes, saying they should have more flavors, but it seems Compassion Berry is a hit.

Junior is skeptical of Pear-Plum-Nutty, and it doesn't test well. One tester says it "tastes like Grandpa." Kanellis sneaks a taste and tells us it "tastes like Christmas." She then goes off on a bizarre tangent about Michaels' taste in women. Classy. (Heh, this sounds like sour grapes. Did he turn her down?)

When Strawberry comes back from the mall with the results, Michaels and Sanders are both surprised that Trop-A-Rocka did better than the Pear-Plum-Nutty. (I'm not.) Michaels had already begun his advertising based on Pear-Plum-Nutty, so this is inconvenient. He's also torn between doing a funny ad, which he thinks will be important, and a sincere ad, because he takes his charity seriously - so he decides to do both! Sanders frets.

After auditioning some actors for the ad, Peete can't bear to be the bad guy, so she has Stone fire the ones she doesn't want. (Aw, Peete! Just pretend they're all Cyndi Lauper.) He also dresses the set gorgeously. Dude knows how to decorate with food! Peete designs the label for the tea, incorporating puzzle piece shapes that symbolize the fight against autism. Her plan is to do a funny ad for TV, and a more serious one for print.

Meanwhile, Michaels gets distracted by the pretty actresses who show up to work on his ad. While Peete is almost finished with her shooting, Michaels has barely started, because he's hung up on getting a dolly track. He feels that a dolly zoom is the only possible way to make his ad work.

This week:

Michaels gets really frustrated when he can't get a dolly track on short notice, but after getting all wound up about that, he ends up rigging a perfectly good substitute with a cart. Ivanka questions whether it's a good idea for him to do two ads. (I think we only ever see one ad, so I'm not sure how or if that worked out. Maybe I missed something.) Then he goes to the studio to edit the ads and realizes he left his voiceover script behind, so he wings it.

Sanders doesn't really get the humor in the "funny" ad, and assuming that that's the ad we end up seeing, I'm not sure I get it either. I think it's funny only in that it's sort of weird.

Meanwhile, Peete works on tomorrow's presentation, while Stone does the print ad and Kanellis edits the TV ad. Ivanka thinks Peete's ad plays it too safe. Peete is miffed when Stone has to leave for a while to attend a friend's wedding.

Michaels' whole team wears hats like his to the Snapple presentation. Michaels is nervous and awkward. He emphasizes the tropical ingredients. (I'm still trying to figure out what's tropical about vanilla, cinnamon, peaches, and pears. Mangoes, yes. And maybe cinnamon? But not the rest!)

Peete's presentation goes more smoothly, and I think the ad is cute. Not any more "safe" than any other Snapple ad, I don't think.

But Trump asks the crowd which ad they liked better, and the applause in favor of Michaels' is much louder. (But Michaels is also more popular, so what does the applause really prove?)

Judgment: The Snapple execs think Michaels is "Snapply" and say that a diet tea has greater potential than regular as a growth market. They like his TV ad better than Peete's, and they prefer his personality too, though Trump says he likes Peete's personality better. They think Peete's label is better than Michaels', though. As for the print ad, it's a tossup. One of them has a better cover, while the other has better inside copy. So... it's a draw, according to Snapple. Fortunately, they offer a matching donation, so that the non-winner can end up with equal winnings!

In the boardroom, Trump, Junior, and Ivanka all say that a diet drink puts Michaels at a disadvantage in terms of sales potential. They find it odd that Peete didn't use Kanellis in their ads. (I don't, but I'll refrain from making more catty remarks.) Having a chef on Peete's side was an advantage. But her materials included less personal and charity branding than Michaels'.

Trump agrees that Darryl Strawberry redeemed himself in this task, and makes a $25,000 personal donation to the Darryl Strawberry Foundation, which promotes global awareness for autism and other developmental disorders.

Trump asks Sanders if she wants Peete to win. Sanders has a hard time answering the question honestly. They discuss this much longer than necessary, since the conflict is obvious and irrelevant.

At the live show, Joan Rivers says that Michaels should win because he cheated death. Bill Rancic says Peete should win because of her incredible fund-raising skills. Rob Blagojevich agrees with Rancic. Peete says even her own kid likes Michaels, and she and Michaels have bonded since the taping. Michaels says he'll accept the sympathy vote since he's competing against Peete's hotness. (It is a nice dress!)

They talk about their charities. Peete says she should win because autism is such a big cause. She claims that she's not as mean as she seemed. Also, her mother had breast cancer during the taping, but Peete still showed up for every task.

Michaels says he won every task on which he was Project Manager, and stepped up for the very first task even though he was sleep-deprived. He never slit any throats. The only reason he was late for that first task was because he puts his all into everything he does (i.e. the show he did the night before the first task).

After giving kudos to both players and offering no further explanation or elaboration, Trump declares Michaels the winner.

Misc. live stuff:

• All the celebrities are there except Sharon Osbourne and Bill Goldberg.
  
  
• Trump asks what people think of Rod Blagojevich; Michael Johnson says he's guilty.
  
  
• Cyndi Lauper sings a song and dances on the boardroom table.
  
  
• Kanellis's Make-A-Wish kid meets Trump.
  
  
• Strawberry says this experience inspired him to open a restaurant.
  
  
• Lauper says her charity - Stonewall Community Foundation for True Colors, which promotes equality for the lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender community - got an additional $25,000 donation from the CD sales after her task.
  
  
• Sanders says her charity - Right to Play, which uses sport and play to improve the lives of disadvantaged children in developing and war-torn countries - got an additional $25,000 donation from Norton/Lifelock sales after her task.
  
  
• Kanellis regrets telling her poop story at her last boardroom.

Fired: Peete, for reasons not explicitly stated.

Donation: $250,000 to Bret Michaels, the winner, for his charity,
American Diabetes Association camps for kids with diabetes. He already has $140,000 from two previous tasks, both of which he won.

Snapple makes a matching donation for the non-winner, Holly Robinson Peete's charity, the HollyRod Foundation helping families of children with autism get affordable treatment. She already has $347,893 from one previous task and a free-throw by Kanellis.

Remarks:

• I kept thinking, instead of calling it Trop-A-Rocka, why not call it Poison Tea? But that's probably too edgy for the broader consumer market and wouldn't be a good match with Snapple's focus on wholesome ingredients. (Then again, can you picture the ad? It would be too hilarious! People would be limp with laughter!) But Perhaps he can't use his band's name when doing non-band projects.
  
  
• There's a pointless but hilarious scene where Stone calls the same prop shop he'd used in an earlier task, and it's clear that the lady there is totally in love with him!
  
  
• Trump says there will be a regular Apprentice in the fall, and a Celebrity Apprentice in the spring. I would love to recap these as long as they don't devolve into the kind of bitchery we saw last year, but it's clear that I can't keep up the recapping any more - even doing just the quotes from The Office seems to be more than I can handle these days.
  

Celebrity Apprentice, 5/16/2010 (#10): Bye-Bye-Bye: The Firings

So much for getting this done in time for the finale. Sorry about that. This recap will focus on the firings and not the Snapple task. Needless to say, the recap of the final task will be a few more days.

The episode starts with a boardroom meeting in which the contestants must explain why they shouldn't be fired.

Peete says Kanellis is the weakest, and that she sometimes puts people down just for the heck of it. (Um, Peete? Do you remember all the times you dissed Lauper?)

Osbourne says Kanellis is the weakest and Peete is the strongest, and she's not sure she even has the right to compete with Peete.

Stone also says Kanellis is the weakest.

Kanellis claims that Stone is arrogant because he stank up their bathroom. (Sorry, Kanellis - if people could be fired for pooping, we'd all be out of a job. I'm sure your shit doesn't smell like daisies either.) This grosses Trump out, and he fires Kanellis on the spot. I am pleased, thinking that I won't have to see her again, but my joy is short-lived.

The remaining three are sent in for interviews with reigning Celebrity Apprentice Joan Rivers and First Apprentice Bill Rancic.

Before the interview, Rivers says Stone has been riding on his good looks. Stone claims, as he has often done, that he's a "natural leader." Rancic contests this - Stone only ever stepped up to be Project Manager once. Rivers asks Stone why he deferred to Michaels so often. Stone claims he wasn't deferring to him, but merely harnessing his creativity. Hmmm... Rivers and Rancic both conclude that Stone is limited.

Rancic predicts that Osbourne is out of gas. Osbourne says that cancer was harder than The Apprentice, yet she survived. She's fought for everything. Rivers asks, what if it's you vs. Peete? Osbourne sobs, "Nobody gives a shit about anybody's colon because it's up your ass and nobody cares, and it's not sexy." She regrets not having done enough for her charity.

Michaels says, "don't mistake my kindness for weakness." Later, Rivers says she didn't see any fire in him. Rancic disagrees.

Pre-interview, Rivers says that Peete fights harder; she can't just walk out of there, because when she goes home, her fight (against autism) will still be with her. Rancic asks Peete about losing twice; Peete reminds him that she also stepped up the most often. She tells Rivers that she's more resilient than she thought. As for the way she treated Kanellis, Leifer, and Lauper, "it's all business." (Rivers is in no position to criticize.)

They all go back to the boardroom for reckoning. Osbourne says she needs "really badly" to be in the finale. Michaels reminds them how awesome he is. Peete speaks of her passion and drive and ambition and consistency. (Consistency? Setting an all-time record in between losing twice?) Stone says he's the best leader (yawn) and not a one-trick pony.

But Stone is fired, because both Rancic and Rivers agreed he wasn't finale material. I wouldn't have hated it if he'd made it to the finale, mainly because I think he's capable of more than he ever attempted on this show when he had the option to hide behind others, and I'd like to see that for myself. But week after week, Stone hid behind his other teammates - especially Michaels - and let them take the lead and/or blame on tough decisions. He was very lucky never to have had to answer for a decision.

In a final round of pleas, Peete says to fire Michaels because Osbourne's passion has finally come out. And Michaels says to fire Peete.

Keep in mind that they don't know yet what the final task will be, and the past finales have been fund-raisers, though we saw last year that raising the most money doesn't guarantee a win. There is a lot of tension as each player surely must be silently weighing the fund-raising potential of the others: Peete's incredible, but her donors may be tapped out after that gigantic competition at the gym; Michaels had little opportunity to make calls during the last task and might have some gigantic bucks up his sleeve; and Osbourne may have reserved her deepest-pocketed friends for the finale.

Osbourne begins to cry again, saying she doesn't want to be a loser. She doesn't know who deserves more to be fired, but adds, "I died and came back. I'm strong enough."

And then, despite my numerous (and mostly offline) claims that Osbourne would "definitely" make it to the finale and probably win because she's a friend of NBC, just like Joan Rivers and Piers Morgan, she is fired. She makes a very tearful exit.

Michaels and Peete leave the boardroom on a much friendlier note than Rivers and Duke did last year. No Hitler talk!

Remarks:

I never had any interest in Bret Michaels before this show; I wasn't a fan of hair bands in the 80s, and what little I knew about Michaels was based on SNL's parody of Rock of Love. However, I've been impressed with him ever since week 1. Except for a little bit of drama queening, especially early on, he's been the ultimate team player: he gives 100% to every task, whether the project manager deserves it or not (except that time when Sinbad was PM and Michaels had no idea what to do). He never hid behind other people or delegated important tasks, and he didn't slack off after his big win the first week, as so many other celebrities have done on this show. Even when he wasn't PM, his teammates often looked to him for guidance. (One wonders how things would have turned out if Michael Johnson, who did not seem to trust Michaels as much, hadn't dropped out.) Michaels is actually the best Apprentice, celebrity or non-celebrity, winner or not, that we've seen in many years.

Given recent developments, it won't surprise me if Michaels wins no matter what the outcome of the Snapple task; but I'm hoping that Trop-A-Rocka ends up being a big hit so it won't be an issue.

Epilogue: Please note, I wrote the above "ode to Bret" before I knew the outcome of the Snapple task and finale! The Snapple execs declared the contest a draw (not sure if that was six months ago when they originally taped the show, or more recently), leaving it up to Trump to declare a winner. Trump didn't give a solid reason for choosing Michaels, but at least he didn't spew a bunch of bullshit like last year when he said that Joan Rivers, who compared Annie Duke to Hitler, was a great role model. On the other hand, Michaels isn't such a bad role model, as Apprentices go, so I would have bought that!

5/20/10: Great Moments in "The Office"

Andy: If you say anything, so help me God I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

Michael: We should give 'em a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the Al-Queda.

Dwight: I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine.

Michael: My mind is going a mile an hour.

Toby: Write your own damn novel.

Michael: I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police.

Stanley: It wasn't me.
Gabe: What a rich timbre your voice has.

David: I am here to talk about "Suck It."

Michael: My new favorite restaurant sucks.

Jo: Nobody'll want to play with my Barbie.

Michael: I Shirley do, and don't call me "Honey."

5/13/10: Great Moments in "The Office"

Michael: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place.

Erin: You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late.

Jim: So we're going to say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?

Michael: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania.

Michael: I asked Donna about this, and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward.

Michael: I am Beyonce, always.

Michael: I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Gabe: I actually designed that chart. Kind of hoping it catches on.

Andy: We're gay for baseball.

Dwight: Shrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Shrute man.

Michael: A motel is dirty, and it is sexy, like me and like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.

Celebrity Apprentice, 5/9/2010 (#9): Redrum! Redrum! Redrum!

Recalling the negative comments that Kanellis and Osbourne made about Stone the previous week, Trump swaps the men on the two teams.

RockSolid: Maria Kanellis and Curtis Stone, led by Sharon Osbourne, probably because she's the only one who hasn't won yet.

Tenacity: Cyndi Lauper and Bret Michaels, led by Holly Robinson Peete who didn't want to do it and doesn't need more winnings, but no one else wanted this task.

Ears/Eyes: Junior and Richard LeFrak

Task/Sponsor: Renovate and decorate a corporate (furnished) apartment, including a designated "celebrity room." The project will be judged by Lee Curtis of Bridgestreet Worldwide and designer Jonathan Adler. Richard LeFrak offers a personal donation to double the jackpot to $40,000.

Tenacity: At first, Peete grumbles about getting Michaels on her team, thinking that he will team up with Lauper against her. I don't know why she assumes that, but she quickly falls in love with him when she discovers that he's a true team player: he supports the PM. Lauper wants to do up the place in crazy random retro style; Peete wants zen. Michaels is on board with zen. Lauper suggests a lips-shaped couch and a disco ball to complement the zen look. Instead, she is assigned the celebrity room, which doesn't have to be zen, though Peete does say it should be red.

Much of the tension between Peete and Lauper is temporarily de-fused when they go shopping for furniture and decorations, but ratchets up again when Lauper gets stressed out and is verbally abusive with the hired men that are helping with the renovation. Michaels is shocked by Lauper's rudeness, and he and Peete beg her to be nice.

Michaels misses part of the task because he has a concert. His main contribution to the task is taking photos of the city from the apartment windows to make jumbo prints for the walls, but the prints he gets back are much less than jumbo, so he has to put in a rush job for something bigger. Since the elevator service there is inadequate (it appears most of the building is under renovation and the lifts are either in constant use or out of order), he has to dash up and/or down 17 flights of stairs to get the prints in time for the judging.

RockSolid: Although Kanellis and Osbourne are skeptical about their new teammate, the three are soon working together harmoniously. Almost. The main source of tension is a difference in taste: Osbourne, who has stayed in quite a few of these furnished apartments herself, believes they need to go with a neutral, modern look; she describes Kanellis's taste as "truckstop." Kanellis gripes and lets LeFrak know she doesn't like the plan.

Osbourne predicts that Peete has chosen an Asian theme; this is confirmed by a call to the furniture store. Stone gets a ton of free stuff from Alessi, decorates the kitchen, and recruits his friends to help them paint the apartment.

Outcome: RockSolid wins, though the judges are taken aback by the lack of any drawers in the bedroom and feel that the celebrity room was their weakest. (Osbourne says she doesn't use drawers. Does she hang up her socks and underwear in the closet?)

The judges feel that Tenacity's decorating scheme is cluttered and cheap-looking, and they don't like the seafoam green at all. But they like the Buddha statue, they love the NY photos, and they ADORE Lauper's red celebrity room. (I love seafoam green, thought the rooms looked nice though admittedly too cluttered to be "zen," and I don't think it's appropriate to use a religious figure as a fashion statement especially when you don't know who will be staying in the apartment. I was "wrong" on all counts - I'd surely be screwed in a task like this one!)

Boardroom: After last week's boardroom, Peete grumbled in disapproval because Trump had excused Lauper from the boardroom. (I grumbled more because Peete received no blame for her role in all the bad decisions in that task.) This week, she unloads her frustration to Trump.

To Lauper's horror, Michaels agrees with Peete that Lauper talks too much and was rude to the workers. I ROFL when Peete says that you shouldn't be rude to the people you work with. Really, Peete? You didn't openly diss Lauper in front of the Kodak executives when she was in the bathroom during the second task?

Peete and Lauper go back and forth. Lauper mentions that painting the celebrity room red was Peete's idea, but the rest of that room was all her. Peete brags that she and Michaels did the whole rest of the apartment. (Which the judges didn't like!) She also claims that Lauper asked her about every other aspect of that apartment as well, which isn't what I saw.

In other words, Peete takes credit for the celebrity room that she didn't decorate (other than to say that it should be red) and all the labor she put into the task, but none of the blame for all her decisions that contributed to the team's loss, like the seafoam green paint and the cheap-looking clutter.

Michaels is very quiet through most of this, wisely choosing to stay out of it until Trump wrings some more comments out of him. Michaels says that Lauper doesn't manage her time well. (??)

Trump seizes on the fact that Lauper gave Peete credit for choosing red paint for the celebrity room. He thinks she was foolish to reveal this; I don't know why. True, the judges did like the red room best, but not necessarily because it was red.

Fired: Cyndi Lauper, merely for giving credit where it was due. Trump could have used her rudeness to the workers, her lack of focus, or her 1-room-out-of-6 workload as the reason(s) to fire her; instead, he fired her for something that seems really trivial to me.

Donation: $40,000 to the Cedars-Sinai Sharon Osbourne Colon Cancer Program, which provides help for colon cancer sufferers and their families.

Remarks:

• Stone says that $40,000 for Osbourne's charity will mean 40,000 colon cancer screenings. I'm a little confused by that (surely it costs more than a dollar per test?), but it sounds good.
  
  
• Strangely, Peete claims in the boardroom that Osbourne used to tell Lauper to STFU. The way Lauper and I both remember it, Osbourne was telling Peete to STFU when she was being condescending to Lauper.
  
  
• After the boardroom, Michaels tries to end things on a friendly note, but Lauper won't have any of it and makes a beeline for the elevator. She grumbles in the cab ride and thinks Peete will be lost without her.
  

5/6/10: Great Moments in "The Office"

Michael: I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job.

Oscar: That seems quick, even for lesbians.

Dwight: $100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael: I'll give you 50. Money's no object.

Michael: We didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.

Michael: You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.

Creed: I've done a lot more for a lot less.

Michael: I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?

Gabe: That's good for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts.

Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.

Darryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real.

Michael: I'm the mistress?

Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff!!

4/29/10: Great Moments in "The Office"

Dwight: I have it on good authority that within 20 years, everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.

Oscar: Your office is full of genitalia.

Dwight: White people; right?

Jim: Maybe you shouldn't try to kiss people at work.

Donna: In my 20s, it would have been annoying. In my late 20s, I find it really flattering.

Creed: You can only ooze two things: sexuality and pus.

Oscar: In this case, it makes financial sense to gain money.

Pam: Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms. Boobshirt.

Stanley: I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow.

Dwight: Causasians; am I right?

Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand.

Andy: When I tore my scrote, I was seeing this really hot neurologist about it, and thought she was into me, but now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO.

Michael: People don't just take barrettes off.

Gabe: They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program.

Dwight: Just once, I would like to be a puppetmaster and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

Celebrity Apprentice, 5/2/2010 (#8): The Summer Wind Blows Away

Ears/Eyes: Ivanka & Eric Trump. Eric is another Trump son. He seems like he might be better at this than Junior, but perhaps he's simply more telegenic. It's hard to tell with just one episode.

Task/Sponsor: Produce three 30-second radio ads for Clockwork Home Services. The sponsor will donate an additional $20K to the winning team.

In their meetings with the teams, the Clockwork execs come across as a couple of stiffs. They specifically warn the teams against the use of humor - especially humor at plumbers' expense. However, perhaps we get a clue as to what they really want when one of them says that plumbers are often the "butt" of jokes.

Rocksolid: Maria Kanellis and Sharon Osbourne, led by Bret Michaels who volunteered.

Knowing that one of the ads is for a plumbing service, they immediately envision lots of poop jokes, fart jokes, and female plumbing jokes, but their hopes are soon dashed after meeting with the seemingly humorless execs. With the no-jokes warning still ringing in his ears, Michaels insists on including a "plumber's crack" pun. Kanellis, Osbourne, and even Ivanka express their doubts, but Michaels insists it's the way to go and promises to take the hit if it fails. Another ad uses cheesy 70s-style porn music and a mildly suggestive script.

Not surprisingly, the execs wince when they hear the plumber's crack joke. But one of them comments to the other that he likes Michaels as a salesman.

Tenacity: Cyndi Lauper, Holly Robinson Peete, Curtis Stone, led by Summer Sanders, who volunteers.

Like RockSolid, the team is disappointed when they realize that even their relatively mild jokes are likely to fall flat. (It doesn't help, though, that Peete asks about humor in a negative way rather than a positive way.) Again, there's a clue to the execs' sense of humor when Lauper asks why they named their plumbing service, rather than their electrician service, after Ben Franklin. The execs' answer (that Franklin took his bathtub with him when he moved) is corny, but when Lauper goes on and on about how Franklin liked to take baths with women, it doesn't seem to ruin their day. Sanders and Peete might be mortified by Lauper's comments, but the execs seem charmed. (Really, you could make a LOT of jokes about Ben Franklin's enjoyment of ladies' pipes.)

Sanders and Robinson conspire to keep Lauper "focused." Stone tells us they're a bit bitchy. But the apparent prohibition against jokes seems to imbue all of them with a sense of humor, and they blow off steam for a while, making jokes they know they won't be able to use.

Their ads are very wordy and rushed, but more informative than RockSolid's. Like Lauper, Stone (perhaps still stinging from last week's loss due to lack of originality, and perhaps also remembering that his old team's super-texty LifeLock ad didn't do very well either) feels that they should still try to be just a tiny bit edgy and original. He questions their direction, and Sanders waffles for a moment, but she and Robinson decide to press on with the blandest, most conservative ads they can possible come up with. Lauper gripes, but does as they ask.

Sanders also waffles on whether or not to let Lauper, a Grammy award-winning recording artist, sing in their ad. Peete advises against it because Lauper's voice isn't "mainstream" and urges Sanders and Lauper to let the "professionals" they hired to take care of it. But with reservations, Sanders nervously allows Lauper to sing in just one ad.

Outcome: The execs expected to hear a lot more of Lauper in Tenacity's ads, and felt that their ads were too talky, not particularly original, and sounded like any other ad they'd hear on the radio. They thought Tenacity's ads were okay, but felt that RockSolid's ads were fantastic. They didn't like the line "people crack a lot of jokes about plumbers," but on the other hand, they liked the electrical service ad (the least edgy of the three) enough to put on the air as-is.

Boardroom: When asked his opinion, Michaels suggests firing Sanders because she's the toughest. Osbourne recommends firing Stone because he's smug and Australian. Maria goes so far as to say she'd like to punch him. (Earlier in the show, she swiped a slice of pizza from him to give to Michaels, so who should be wanting to punch whom?) Sanders and/or Peete sayfs that Stone's scripting efforts were "too Australian." (Like a little editing couldn't have fixed that?)

Sanders gets to send one person back to the suite. Naturally, she sends her buddy Peete - the one person who advised making the ads as conservative as possible. But she refrains from criticizing Lauper. In return, Lauper very kindly doesn't tell Trump that Sanders was nervous about her singing and that Peete specifically lobbied against it. She blames her non-singing on laryngitis instead.

Ivanka observes that Stone isn't respected. I would have enjoyed more exploration of this subject, because he's been very good at dodging blame and responsibility, but this conversation doesn't go anywhere. Stone and Sanders blame one another, and Trump sends Lauper back to the suite.

Stone says he wanted them to be more edgy, but Sanders decided against it. However, Eric feels that Stone was too reserved in his objections. Stone makes a minimal effort to keep the blame on Sanders. Minimal effort is all that's required - Sanders just isn't good at boardroom.

Ivanka points out that this is Sanders's first boardroom. Sanders latches onto this, sort of: she asks permission to use it to defend herself. But it is too little, too late.

Fired: Sanders, for not being able to make a case for herself.

Donation: Michaels gets an additional $40,000 for the American Diabetes Association's camps for kids with diabetes, adding to his previous $100,000 winnings from week 1.

Remarks:

• At the end of the episode, there's another wish for a speedy recovery for Bret Michaels.
  
  
• Peete and Sanders are annoyed when Lauper warms up her voice in the van after a mild bout of laryngitis. Honestly!
  
  
• While Sanders and Peete often do come across as dour and humorless, I'm still laughing at the memory of the Right Guard ad they did with Scottie Pippen putting deodorant on stinky young men. I understand why it didn't win, but it was funny. And that was all Peete's idea.
  
  
• When Lauper's been in charge, Peete and Kanellis have both whined that Lauper doesn't give them credit for the things that they've achieved. This is usually in the context of Lauper wanting to do something that she does for a living - something that's practically a bodily function for her. I understand the frustration of feeling that they're not getting a chance to shine, but when a team win is on the line, isn't it a good idea to squelch the ego just a bit? Peete's telling Lauper to let the "professionals" handle the singing deserves a spot in the Irony Hall of Fame. (If such a thing doesn't exist, I should create one.)

Celebrity Apprentice, 4/25/2010 (#7): Pimping Iron

Trump begins the episode by switching up the teams. He moves Stone to Tenacity, and sends Osbourne and Kanellis to RockSolid. I take one look at the new teams and decide they should be renamed.

Happy Fun Gang (okay, Rocksolid): Maria Kanellis, Bret Michaels, led by Sharon Osbourne who was the only one who hadn't led a project or won anything for her charity yet.

After School Study Club Plus Cindy Lauper (okay, Tenacity): Cyndi Lauper, Summer Sanders, Curtis Stone, led by Holly Robinson Peete who pretty much does fund raising all year round.

Task/Sponsor: Develop a workout class for 24 Hour Fitness and raise money. Donors don't have to show up in person, but each donation must be represented by a class participant. If you have lots of donors, but nobody wants to take your class, some of the donations won't count.

RockSolid decides to forget about trying to create the perfect workout, and focuses on a good concept that will attract people. The concept: a rock concert workout. Michaels promotes it, and classes are packed with his fans. The class consists of classic aerobic, calisthenic, and yoga exercises hastily slapped together with rock 'n' roll-themed names. The promotional materials are packed with typos and misspellings ("you ll work your muscle" is just one example), but it's all so much fun that nobody cares. However, the 24 Hour Fitness representatives seem taken aback by the likes of "Tour Bus Thrust" (aka "pelvic tilt").

As RockSolid predicts, Tenacity chooses a different strategy, with Stone and Summers preparing a very serious, carefully researched, balanced workout with lots of variations for different fitness levels. The name "Tenacious Buns 'n' Guns" is as frivolous as they dare to get; Stone is worried about "making a mockery" of their sponsor. Lauper reaches out to her fans on a radio show, but the team struggles to get people to attend, especially in their earlier classes. (I suspect that some of their later attendees are overflow from RockSolid's packed sessions.)

Bonus: 24 Hour Fitness donates $24,000 to whichever team has the better workout, as judged by the company. The execs are impressed with Tenacity's balanced workout and rapport with students, but they feel that RockSolid's "fitness concert" concept gives them more to work with. They can tweak the exercises as needed ("tour bus thrust" will probably not be among them). RockSolid wins the bonus!

Outcome: RockSolid raises $107,803, plus the bonus for a staggering total of $131,803. Tenacity earns an even more staggering $206,090 - low attendance isn't a problem when each attendee is representing a huge donation. Tenacity wins! It's the most money ever raised in a single task for a non-finale episode.

Boardroom: Before the winner is announced, Trump tries to get his contestants to trash one another. Peete is quick to report that before the task, Osbourne had expressed frustration with the dynamic on the women's team and wanted to go home. Osbourne says she no longer feels that way with her new team.

When Trump asks Tenacity who he should fire on the other team, Lauper again declines to bad-mouth anyone. Stone surprisingly defends Michaels this time, citing his team loyalty, and adds that Kanellis is not so loyal. But he'd also be in favor of Trump firing Osbourne since she was project manager.

Peete thinks it should be the person who raised the least money; that person was Michaels. But Osbourne takes the blame for that, saying that wasn't his task. (It's true. He actually wanted to raise money, but she had him tied up with so many other duties that he wasn't able to.) Osbourne seems tired and practically invites Trump to fire her.

Fired: Nobody, because when somebody raises that much money, you can hardly call them losers.

So Trump says, but in the past, he hasn't let stellar performance keep him from firing people on the losing team. It's just that with Johnson quitting and Ebanks being fired in a single episode, he had to skip a firing one week so as not to run out of people a week early.

Donation: To confuse the math a bit, Trump adds in the $10K that Peete won a few weeks ago when Kanellis won the free throw challenge; Peete hadn't collected that yet. That brings the total winnings to $347,893, all for Peete's charity, the HollyRod Foundation, which is building a family center for autism intervention and treatment. Peete promises to write a check for Osbourne's own charity, the Cedars-Sinai Sharon Osbourne Colon Cancer Program, which provides help for colon cancer sufferers and their families.

Remarks:

• Bret Michaels has suffered two serious health crises in the past month. In very brief announcement at the end of the episode, NBC wishes him well.
  
  
• Lauper misses the first part of the task due to a prior engagement with Lady Gaga, but manages to get a pretty nice donation from her. I don't think Peete says a single negative thing about Lauper through the whole task, at least not that we see. On the other hand, Sanders mocks Lauper while she's gone. (Meanwhile, Michaels mocks Sanders.)
  
  
• One of Tenacity's few early attendees is Lauper's mother, who represents her own $500 donation by taking the fitness class herself. What a trouper!
  
  
• No one on RockSolid can spell "gynecological."
  
  
• Before the winner is revealed, Peete is sure that her team was at a fund-raising disadvantage compared to the star power of RockSolid. Peete raises money all year long, but Osbourne knows some seriously wealthy people too. Is it strange that she didn't win? Is she pulling a Jesse James - holding back for the finale, which she couldn't safely assume she'd reach unless by prior agreement with NBC and Trump?
  
  Osbourne sets a goal of $100K, while Pete clearly has no upper limit in mind. Other project managers have failed for not thinking big; on the other hand, $100K isn't exactly thinking small. Unless your opponent is a professional fund-raiser....
  
  Osbourne mentioned something about Ozzy being in town to promote a WWE event. Several people at the WWE made donations; perhaps those pockets have been deeper if this had been the finale.
  
  In any case, Osbourne is the only one left who hasn't won a nickel yet.
  
  
• Peete has been criticized for making statements in support of an already widely discredited belief in a link between vaccines and autism. However, there's no indication that the HollyRod Foundation uses any of its funds to discourage parents from vaccinating their children. (Please correct me and provide a supporting link if you've heard otherwise about HollyRod.)

4/22/10: Great Moments in "The Office"

Dwight: Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio? I love that show.

Kevin: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.

Erin: My last job was at a Taco Bell Express, but then it became a full Taco Bell, and I couldn't keep up.

Michael: I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only like five or six.

Erin: In the foster home, my hair was my room.

Dwight: Three squeezes, and I would drain you.

Meredith: I was just warming it up.

Kevin: "C" is for "suspension."

Gabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.

Erin: What's your real name - Lionel Frankenstein?

Andy: My chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.

Gabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? ...or cookies?

Dwight [mimicking Gabe]: "I have to go back to the zoo, to the stick insect exhibit."

Mad Men season 4 begins July 25

And I still don't have cable, so I won't be recapping it. But at least now you know what to set your calendar to.

I have Season 3 on DVD, but when I will get around to watching it, and when or if I'll have time to recap it, is another mystery.

Celebrity Apprentice, 4/18/2010 (#6): Extremely Moderate Makeover

Rocksolid: Bret Michaels, Curtis Stone, led by Bill Goldberg who was chosen out of fairness because he hadn't led a project yet even though Michaels was the obvious choice based on the task, which was described prior to PM selection. (Trump questions RockSolid's decision immediately.)

Tenacity: Maria Kanellis, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, Summer Sanders, led by Cyndi Lauper who was chosen because she was the obvious choice based on the task. (Osbourne would have been the obvious choice, but she didn't join the task until after the PMs were chosen.)

Task/Sponsor: Give makeovers, prepare press kits, and provide pre-interview coaching to boost the careers of two country music singers.

The teams evade global thermonuclear war by actually NOT both wanting the same singer for their makeover. No hotly contested coin flips or anything! RockSolid chooses Luke Bryan, and Tenacity chooses Emily West. (Peete would want me to add: LAUPER chose Emily West.)

Goldberg quickly hands over the entire task to Bret Michaels, who is still distracted by his daughter's health problems and must be pretty exhausted by now. Luke Bryan seems to go along with their ideas for a while; there's a hilarious moment where all the men have him trying on their clothes. But after the photo shoot (during which Goldberg repeatedly orders Bryan to "SMILE!!!"), Bryan gets cold feet. He's not comfortable with the new clothes, and he hates the neck-chain, and he's unhappy with most of the photos they've taken. Furthermore, even though Michaels coaches him NEVER to tell an interviewer that he's "tired," that's pretty much how Bryan opens with the interviewer from People Country. He's not particularly articulate, and things get worse when he yawns multiple times during the interview.

Trace Adkins (guest ear/eye) convinces Bryan to wear the neck-chain, and evidently there was a baseball cap that they convince him to stop wearing too, but his overall look isn't much different.

Emily West is a much more cooperative subject for Tenacity. She seems willing to try out anything they suggest, and she is calm and poised during her People Country interview.

Relations within the team are less harmonious: Lauper, the one who complains that Peete is "bossy," rules the task with an iron fist. Peete grumbles a lot and thinks that Lauper should show more respect for what her teammates have achieved, but she also says the PM should have the last word. The real trouble actually comes from Maria Kanellis, who feels that Lauper should take her advice because she's done some of these things before herself and she used to dance to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" as a kid. When Osbourne finally returns from sick leave, she assures us that Lauper's expertise and experience in this area are certainly sufficient: Lauper does this kind of stuff every day. (Literally every day. For a living. Not as a hobby or a once-in-a-while thing. That anyone would whine about an actual expert taking control of the task just boggles my mind.) Adkins agrees with Osbourne.

Outcome: The execs, and indeed even Tenacity, feel that RockSolid did a better job with the press materials for Bryan. (The photos of West weren't even touched up; Lauper felt it wasn't necessary to touch up photos of such a young woman.) However, they also felt that West received the more transformative makeover, and that's what they were really looking for. Tenacity wins!

Boardroom:

Before the winner is announced, there is a lot of wincing when Kanellis tells Trump that Lauper had once been her idol, but no longer was. Osbourne tells Kanellis that they're on the show to do a task, and not to be fans. Later, Lauper counsels Kanellis never to meet her idols. (Excellent advice for the starstruck of any age!)

The Rocksolid boardroom meeting is mercifully short. Michaels says he would fire himself. Stone eagerly, oops I mean somberly, agrees to this, but all in vain, because Goldberg has committed himself to a death spiral. Goldberg tells Trump that he gave 95% of the task to Michaels... then 90%... 87%... 70%... finally he admits he's been hit in the head too many times to do the math. But that's not even the point; Trump says he should have taken the lead on a previous task instead, or at least let Michaels take this one.

Fired: Goldberg, for picking the wrong time to step up.

Donation: $20,000 plus the first month's profits from sale of the songs on iTunes goes to Lauper's charity, the LGBT equality outreach organization Stonewall Community Foundation for True Colors.

Goldberg's charity, Communities 4Kids - One Good Turn Ranch 4Kids which runs camps for kids who have lost a loved one due to military action, gets nothing from this show that we know of.

Remarks:

• Curtis Stone gets a nice surprise when he finds out that Right Guard added another $20,000 to his winnings from last week's task.
  
  
• Due to scheduling issues, I usually watch the second hour of each episode before I see the first. When I saw Luke Bryan and heard him speak, I thought, "he's a cross between Elvis & Gomer Pyle." Then I played back the first hour and heard someone else describe him the same way. Golllllllllly! Unfortunately, he has the charisma of neither.
  
  
• Goldberg is the second of TWO PMs who have attempted to offload all authority to Bret Michaels. RockSolid has lost both tasks that Michaels ran as unofficial PM, and teammates have gone after Michaels in the boardroom because "he was responsible," even though someone else was PM. Nevertheless, they still turn to him because he's the only one who has these skills. Plus, he never says no; I think Stone is hoping that will be his undoing.
  
  
• Kanellis felt that it was "mean" of Lauper not to want her advice in an area in which Lauper makes a living, especially because Lauper was once her idol. What, if anything, do our idols owe us? They make stuff, and we buy it. If you get your money's worth from their CDs, movies, books, etc., what else can you reasonably expect from them - especially on a personal level?
  
  However much mental real estate you choose to dedicate to your favorite celebrity, that choice is yours, and they don't get a say. You can't expect more from them, especially at the cost of their professional integrity (like taking advice from a relative amateur when there's a win at stake!). If they somehow manage to measure up to your high expectations when you meet them in person, that's a bonus. Not a debt. Sheesh!
  

Celebrity Apprentice, 4/11/2010 (#5): Making a Stink

Rocksolid: Bill Goldberg, Michael Johnson, Bret Michaels, led by Curtis Stone. It's not clear whether Stone volunteers, is nominated, has to argue with Goldberg, etc., but the decision is made very quickly.

Tenacity: Maria Kanellis, Selita Ebanks, Summer Sanders, and sort of Cyndi Lauper, led by Holly Robinson Peete. Again, it's not clear how this decision is made, and Tenacity seems to take longer to make this decision than RockSolid did, but since Peete is the only one present who hadn't been PM yet, she's a reasonable choice.

Sharon Osbourne is out sick, and Lauper misses much of the task while visiting the White House for the presidential signing of the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act. (The signing took place October 28, 2009, so these episodes have been in the can for nearly six months!)

Task/Sponsor: Create a 30-second ad for TV and a 10-second viral Internet ad. Ads will be judged by creativity, brand integration, and overall presentation. The executives state that the focus should be on young males. Basketball greats Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler will appear in the ads. (Tenacity gets Pippen; RockSolid gets Drexler.)

Bonus: Whoever sinks the first basket from the free throw line wins a $10,000 personal donation from Trump for their Project Manager's charity. Kanellis manages to do this in her crazy spiked heels, so Holly Robinson Peete's charity gets the 10K.

BONUS EXIT!!: Michael Johnson quits after the task, but before the judgement, due to a private family situation. He asks Trump if he can return after the problems are ironed out. Trump says no (boo! BOO!!!), and Johnson leaves the show with no money that we know of for his charity, the Laureus Sport for Good Foundation ("using the positive influence of sport to tackle society's most pressing challenges worldwide").

Outcome: The execs feel that Tenacity's ad, in which Scottie Pippen portrays the "Godfather of Funk" and puts deodorant on smelly pubescent boys, is more entertaining than RockSolid's. (It is completely hilarious.) However, because Tenacity's ad focused on moms rather than the target audience of 13-18 yo males, and because their 10-second ad was just an edited version of the 30-second ad, RockSolid's also-funny ad is deemed a better fulfillment of the task. RockSolid wins. Finally!

Boardroom: Trump questions whether Osbourne is truly sick.

After Tenacity loses and Peete takes the blame both for the ads' direction and the decision to make the short ad a mere edit of the long ad, Ivanka points out that a dominant PM who makes all the decisions is usually the one to get fired. However, the fact that Ebanks disappeared to hang out with Pippen instead of helping carry props onto their set gives Peete a way out. So does Kanellis's accidental or on purpose (it's hard to tell) last-minute sound editing change.

Sanders suggests that Peete should choose Osbourne and Lauper for the boardroom. Trump categorically forbids this, since Osbourne is ("supposedly," he says) ill and Lauper had an appointment at the White House. (Later, Sanders says that Peete is their strongest player, but refuses to say who's their weaskest, and is all sweet and friendly with Lauper after the boardroom meeting ends.)

Trump, Ross, and Ivanka all note that both Peete and Kanellis are fighting to stay in the game, while Ebanks isn't really defending herself. Ebanks finally throws some blame at Kanellis (why not Peete, who made all the decisions?), but it's too little, too late.

Fired: Ebanks is fired for lacking "fire."

Donation: $20,000 for Curtis Stone's charity, Feeding America (fka America's Second Harvest), a nationwide community food bank network. Bonus! The following week, it's revealed that Right Guard makes a matching donation. Feeding America gets $40,000 total! Holly Robinson Peete gets $10,000 for her charity, the HollyRod Foundation.

Remarks:

You would think that Michael Johnson's out-of-the-blue exit would be the most memorable happenings of the night, but it was actually among the more low-key moments. There was plenty of drama and hilarity, and believe me, I AM keeping this short:

Ebanks says Tenacity won three tasks in a row because they were cohesive and respectful. (To be fair, she was on a plane to Orlando when the Lauper-Peete-Osbourne-Sanders came to a head.). And Michael Johnson says that Bret Michaels is the reason RockSolid's been losing. Hmm... does Johnson not remember who was the project manager for their one and only win up to that point? Seriously, Bret Michaels won as much money in Week 1 as everyone else so far combined, including personal donations from Trump, so gimme a break.

Bret Michaels discovers that his daughter will likely be diagnosed with diabetes, and is distraught and distracted during the task. Eventually, he has a total meltdown in the van. The guys are at least superficially supportive. Stone asks the cameras to give Michaels a few minutes of privacy.

Curtis Stone, who might be one of those people who picks up emotions from other people, is a nervous wreck through a lot of this task as well. You can't blame him, given that Michaels changed his mind about the direction the ad should take multiple times throughout the task. Oddly enough (or perhaps not), Stone is at his calmest when he's trying to reassure Michaels.

Holly Robinson Peete continues to mock and complain about Lauper, even when Lauper is not involved in the task. Alas, she does give Lauper an assignment to be part of the presentation, and Lauper screws it up. Accidentally? On purpose? Is it normal for Lauper to become so flustered and unfocused in front of an audience? Earlier, Lauper made it pretty clear (to us, but not openly to her teammates and executives and eyes and ears that I've noticed) that she doesn't like Peete any more than Peete likes her, so her lukewarm performance is no surprise.

When Lauper offers to add some cool effects to the Funky Godfather soundtrack, Peete takes it the wrong way and is insulted. Hilariously, Sanders vehemently agrees with Peete as usual. However, Peete calms down when she sees that the result is a harmless improvement. Later, in the boardroom, Peete looks really annoyed when Trump invites Lauper to sing the "Funky Godfather" song from their commercial, and who can blame her - considering Peete wrote and performed it?

With the sound editing, Kanellis seemed a little too happy about Peete's refusal to review the work beforehand, but Peete really didn't want to be bothered, and even complained when people asked what they should be doing; so she didn't have much to stand on when something wasn't quite right. On the other hand, I think Kanellis knew full well what had happened and was playing "gotcha." In any case, the discrepancy was irrelevant and wouldn't have changed the executives' decision, so she wasn't at great risk of being fired, regardless.

Blowing off a task to hang out with a basketball player is more serious, and so is failing to look alive in the boardroom, so I'm not heartbroken that Ebanks was fired. Still, if she'd wanted to, she probably could have offed Peete. But Ebanks isn't the first celebrity to lose interest after winning some cash for her charity; Gene Simmons didn't knock himself out either. I can see why Trump is going back to non-celebrities next season.

Celebrity Apprentice, 4/4/2010 (#4): Revenge of the Muggles

Rocksolid: Bill Goldberg, Michael Johnson, Bret Michaels, Curtis Stone, led by Rob Blagojevich, who was nominated by Johnson as a way to put the team's weakest player on the chopping block.

Tenacity: Maria Kanellis, Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, Summer Sanders, led by Selita Ebanks, who volunteered.

Task/Sponsor: Create a "3-D interactive display" (i.e. walkaround exhibit) for the Harry Potter attraction at Universal Studios Orlando in an 8' x 14' space (smaller than most living rooms). Efforts will be judged by a focus group of young fans.

Guest Eyes/Ears: Erin Burnett and our ol' pal George. Bret Michaels luvs Erin Burnett!

Outcome: The focus group of young fans comment that the RockSolid display was less true to the Harry Potterverse, but funnier and more entertaining. The Universal executives are disappointed that neither team did a great job of pushing the park attraction. (Actually, there had been some photos at the RockSolid display, but Blagojevich didn't like them and covered them up.) Overall, the fans thought Tenacity's was better; the women win for the third week in a row.

Boardroom: Blagojevich, who had driven Michaels crazy trying to teach him the right terminology to use around the Harry Potter fans, gets them all wrong in the boardroom - reinforcing the focus group's claims that RockSolid wasn't true to the books. Blagojevich, who had left Michaels in charge of the project while he was in Orlando, inexplicably refuses to bring Michaels back to the boardroom and doesn't give a clear reason why. (The reason he could have given: it wouldn't be right to leave Michaels holding the bag when Blagojevich was supposed to be leading the task.) Instead, he chooses Stone and Johnson.

Stone and Johnson insist that Michaels should be in the boardroom instead. Trump gives Blagojevich a chance to change his mind, but he doesn't. Blagojevich says Stone was the weakest team member. But Stone and Johnson agree that Blagojevich is not a good leader.

All of this discussion seems rather pointless, and Stone's additional jabs at Michaels are fruitless, because Trump eventually points out that Blagojevich was the one who went to Orlando to learn about Harry Potter; and Blagojevich was also the PM. Blagojevich is fired.

Fired: Blagojevich, for lack of leadership. (Even when Johnson asked him specific questions about the task, Blagojevich answered only "use your judgment." Evidently, he learned nothing from the Sinbad debacle in week 2. Frankly, I am mystified as to how Illinois didn't get burnt to the ground, eaten by locusts, or invaded by Wisconsin during his governorship. Kudos to the people of Illinois!)

Donation: $20,000 to Shine on Sierra Leone, which provides education, mentoring, and nutritional support for schools in African diamond mining communities, where, Ebanks says, 1 in 8 women die in childbirth. This money will go towards the construction of a hospital.

Blagojevich's charity, the Children's Cancer Center, which assists kids with life-threatening diseases and their families, gets nothing from this show that we know of.

Remarks:
The project managers are sent to Orlando immediately to be briefed on the project. Ebanks keeps her team informed by constantly emailing and texting notes, instructions, diagrams, and photos. She composes much of the team's presentation on the way home. Meanwhile, Blagojevich names Michaels "acting project manager" while he's away, makes only a few vague phone calls from Orlando, and sleeps on the plane ride home.

Upon returning from Orlando, Blagojevich is taken aback when he sees Stone and Johnson enjoying a nice dinner in another room while Michaels and Goldberg are hard at work on the display. Later, Blagojevich doesn't mention this when asked why he chose them for the boardroom instead of Michaels. (Or maybe he does and it's edited out. Or maybe the lunch break wasn't what it appeared; maybe those two had worked on the display while Goldberg and Michaels took a different break.)

Meanwhile, the tension grows among the women of Tenacity: Robinson-Peete continues to be openly hostile to Lauper. Osbourne takes her to task. Kanellis tells us that she feels stuck in the middle between Osbourne/Lauper vs. Peete/Sanders. Personally, every time Peete or Sanders cuts Lauper down for showing some enthusiasm, it's like seeing someone kick a puppy: it's mean, it's unproductive, and it makes them look like gigantic assholes. Is anyone impressed by their mean-girl behavior? How far will it get them? And didn't I say I was going to refrain from long editorials about this kind of BS? I'll stop now and try to be good with tonight's episode!

Celebrity Apprentice, 3/28/2010 (#3): Clash of the Olympians

4/11: Corrections/updates are in red.

Rocksolid: Rob Blagojevich, Bill Goldberg, Bret Michaels, Curtis Stone, Darryl Strawberry, led by Michael Johnson, who was nominated by Strawberry.

Tenacity: Selita Ebanks, Maria Kanellis, Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, led by Summer Sanders, who volunteered.

Task/Sponsor: Create a four-page advertorial for LifeLock and Norton 360.

Outcome: The executives feel that neither ad was quite right. RockSolid's ad provides too much info, while Tenacity's provides too little. Also, both ads include information that isn't accurate. However, they agree that Tenacity is the clear winner.

Boardroom: Though it's clear that Johnson was responsible for the decisions that led to RockSolid's loss, Darryl Strawberry volunteers to be fired. Most of his teammates try to talk him out of it, but it's clear that Strawberry just wants to go home.

Fired: Darryl Strawberry, who tells us earlier in the episode that celebrities and professionals are "different" and don't function as well as "normal people," is let off the hook and goes home, where he can do nothing on his own time. His charity, the Darryl Strawberry Foundation which promotes global awareness for autism and other developmental disorders, gets nothing from this show that we know of.

Donation: $20,000 and a cut of the LifeLock/Norton 360 profits for Summer Sanders's charity, Right to Play, which uses sport and play to improve the lives of disadvantaged children in developing and war-torn countries.

Remarks:
This episode's recap for the previous week portrayed the team ganging up on Bret Michaels and blaming him for their loss. I didn't write it that way last week because that's not what I saw! Certainly they included Michaels in their blame, but there was plenty more to go around, and Sinbad rightly bore the brunt of it after providing no leadership at all.

Cyndi Lauper continues to be openly disrespected by some of her teammates for her apparent lack of focus. At one point, Sanders sends her out on an errand just to get her out of the way. Osbourne and Kanellis find the disrespect unreasonable and counterproductive and feel that Lauper should have been the art director. In the boardroom, Sanders complains about Lauper almost immediately. Johnson-Peete chimes in eagerly. Johnson jumps on that bandwagon as well after Lauper criticizes his ad.

Similarly, Bret Michaels continues to annoy some of his teammates, especially Johnson, with his enthusiasm to contribute, desire to ingratiate, and flair for sulking. This week, he drives Johnson up the wall in his efforts to please. Johnson doesn't like Michaels's design for the ad and wants something wordier. Guest eye/ear Gavin Maloof (who later agrees with Lauper in the boardroom) also politely suggests that Johnson's idea is too wordy, and Michaels says he wants to do something "more creative," but Johnson shuts down all dissent.

Later, in the boardroom, Johnson claims that no one voiced any objection to the wordiness, and that he picked Stone rather than Goldberg to be the frontman for the ad because he thought that using Stone would be... wait for it... "more creative."

Nevertheless, in the boardroom, Michael Johnson admits that Michaels "could have been worse."

At one point, on the women's team, Osbourne attempts to break the ice by acknowledging the team's internal struggles for creative power. Even though she is stating the obvious, not everyone appreciates her candor.

In this episode, we learn that Blagojevich can't use a computer to save his own life.

Lastly, good news: The next season of Apprentice will be non-celebrities again. I'm glad to hear that, but as I recall, the last few non-celebrity Apprentice seasons were pretty high on drama as opposed to business skill. So, getting rid of the celebrities doesn't guarantee that it'll be like those first couple of years I enjoyed so much.

This episode was dedicated to D'Marco Ray, an audio professional who had worked on the show's crew, and died of kidney cancer earlier this year.