Celebrity Apprentice, 5/10/2009: Finale

Task: VIP gala, digital picture frame, and silent auction
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, and Melissa, led by Joan
Athena: Brande, Dennis, and Tom, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Don Jr.

Outcome: Joan wins because she did a better job with the celebrities, branding, and overall event experience, despite raising less than one third as much money as Annie.

Fired: Annie, because Trump feels that Joan is a great role model.

Donation: $250,000 to God's Love We Deliver. I don't know if they also get any of the money that was raised in the auction.

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Trump says they've been renewed for a ninth season, which I won't be recapping if it's another Celebrity edition. But let's get through tonight before I throw in the towel!

For now I’ll just say this: I've been assuming that because professional entertainers are involved in this show, a lot of the conflict we see is staged. I won't go so far as to insist that it's rigged by Trump or that he makes agreements with certain celebrities, but the possibility has crossed my mind. And it's fair to assume that there have been at least a few put-ons, whether Trump was involved or not.

I'll blather more lengthily at the end of the recap.

We are treated to a review of the tension between Joan and Annie. Annie tries to talk to Joan, and Joan blows her off. Annie just wants to know if Joan has met any of her friends whom Joan has described as "worse than white trash." (Is there a racially-based standard of behavior for trashy people?) Joan says she only yells at her peers, so she doesn't want to yell at Annie. Then she adds, "Let's not be childish about this." Annie calls her a bitch.

They meet with Trump, who brings back the Ghosts of Apprentice Past: Brande, Dennis, Tom, Melissa, Clint, and Herschel.

Annie picks Brande first. Joan picks Herschel first. (Melissa assures us that her feelings aren't hurt; she and her mother agreed that Annie would never pick Melissa, so Joan can pick Melissa last.) Annie also picks Dennis and Tom, so Joan's team is Herschel, Clint, and Melissa.

The task is to throw a pre-show VIP party for Cirque du Soleil and host a silent auction for charity. The party should also showcase a limited-edition digital picture frame. They’re given the show tickets to sell.

They will be judged on raising money, product integration, charity integration, celebrity attendance, and guest experience. Both teams will work with the same event planning company.

Melissa gripes to us about having to work with Clint.

KOTU prepares

Clint tells us the task is too big for four people and he’s glad he's not in charge.

Joan tells her team him to raise money. Clint says his people are out of money, and he doesn't have any peeps in NY. Joan asks him what he wants to do. He agrees to get the stuff together for the auction. Joan is disappointed that he's his old self again - not contributing. Before long, he’s chatting on the phone about golf with a friend.

Joan meets with the event planner. They're maybe not on the same page and Joan is used to working with a specific person who knows what she likes.

Melissa and Herschel go out to sell Cirque du Soleil tickets. They go where people go to buy discount show tickets. Herschel says that rather than sell tickets from the bus, he'll just get someone to buy them all and then hand them out to random people for free. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #1) This will give regular people the chance to feel like true VIPs. It’s in line with the “Kodak moment” thing. It also saves the team a lot of time.

Junior and Ivanka visit KOTU. Joan says they're doing well. Ivanka asks who's going to bid on the auction items. Joan realizes they need to get more celebrities. Clint, who must have missed a memo or something, brags to the mini-Trumps that they have Cirque du Soleil tickets.

Joan talks to her designer. He's talking about draping the room in white, which is not what she wanted. And lounge furniture, which makes no sense.

Melissa and Herschel take pictures of people on the streets of NY to use in the digital picture frames..

The party planner's assistant calls Joan to say they can only get red drapes. Joan thinks the room will be too red. There's no Kodak signage either. She wants the designer to work with one of her own people because she doesn't want to blow their budget on something ugly.

Clint is now doing email instead of work. The designer calls. He's got more awful ideas. Joan thinks the job is over his head. He basically says he can't do it and quits. Clint asks if she called him any names!

It turns out that Joan can’t get another designer on such short notice. She calls on her pals at her charity for help, but it's a small operation and she's not sure if they can pull it off. A lot of people show up, and the room starts to look like something.

Panicked, Joan says all their celebrities have backed out. Herschel suggests getting impersonators. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #2) Joan is completely thrilled. Herschel tells us that celebrities are often boring, but their impersonators are usually fun. Joan especially wants a Trump impersonator, but I don’t think she gets one.

Joan calls a guy who knows all the female impersonators. His mother just died. Joan doesn't let that stop her from asking him for help. The guy laughs; it's the best call he's had all day. Supposedly he's taken this phone call in the middle of the minister's speech. I sure hope he's joking.

Finally, they’ve amassed an impressive collection of auction items. Herschel gets video of each auction item to put in the picture frame. Melissa does a montage of things people share to go with the Kodak EasyShare theme.

Joan isn't delighted to see all the picture frames lined up with Clint showing on all of them. Joan says he'd pick himself up in a bar if he could.

The female impersonators show up. Among others, there are two Liza Minellis, a Carol Channing, a Cher, and a Joan Rivers. The party space is starting to look really good. The entrance is made up to look like a digital picture frame. Joan thanks the charity volunteers for their help.

Backstage, the female impersonators talk about how great Joan is.

Athena prepares

Annie tells Tom he was fired unfairly. She has him go out with Dennis to sell the Cirque du Soleil show tickets. She wants to raise at least half a million dollars. Dennis doesn't promise to raise a lot of money, but after the commercial, he says the Pistons and the Lakers raised $20K for them. Annie is glad the other team didn't get this money.

They meet with the Kodak guy. He seems more relaxed with them than he was with KOTU (not that we saw much of that meeting). Tom asks for a free picture frame. Annie tells him to stop asking questions because their time with the Kodak guy is limited. Annie shushes Tom multiple times. Tom gripes that this isn’t a good way to deal with people.

Annie works the phones, leveraging Joan's nasty comments about poker players to raise more funds. Tom is taken aback by her pushy attitude and gripes about the fund raising.

Dennis and Tom complain to each other that Annie's bossy and doesn't listen to suggestions. Tom clowns around during the event planning. Dennis jokes that he's the sidekick. They both figure they don’t have much to lose since they've already been fired. While Annie is meeting with the event planner, Dennis calls Annie from a few feet away to offer help and she blows him off.

Tom and Dennis go out to sell Cirque tickets. They round people up to get on a bus. Tom jokes that they should go get a drink.

Tom continues to harass people on the street to sell tickets. He says he wants Annie to win, but enjoys being away from her. Riding on top of the bus, he almost gets hit by street lights.

Annie can't get in touch with her event planner. She goes to the office to find her. The first person they see is Joan's ex-planner's assistant, who angrily kicks them out. Annie speaks to her privately (away from cameras) and discovers that the company has quit the whole thing because the guy who quit is the owner of the design firm. (A design firm that has access to only two colors of drapes, has feeble design ideas, and quits at the drop of a hat in front of a national TV audience? Does this strike anyone else as suspicious?) It's after 5 and everything is closed. Annie thinks she's going to lose. She and Brande start calling friends in hopes that one of them will know someone who can help.

Annie is upset that she's screwed because Joan doesn't know how to be respectful to people. Now she's extra-determined to win and has more anti-Joan sob stories to share with her loyal friends. She finally finds someone to help.

Brande and Annie have found only three celebrities to come so far. (Joan's team had already assembled more celebrities than that by the time Ivanka and Junior visited much earlier.) All their friends are out in LA and can't come over on short notice.

Tom and Dennis come back. They've sold all their tickets (they reveal this only after first pretending that they spent the day partying) and they say they may be bringing in a few more celebs.

Annie meets with her two new designers. One of them drove over from CT, and the other one owns a warehouse full of supplies. Before they get to work, Annie gives them heartfelt and profuse thanks for coming out to help.

Annie's poker friends sing her praises.

Annie tells Tom that Joan is a good competitor but a nasty lady. He thinks Joan is joking and that it's an honor to be dissed by her. Tom says all Annie does is talk about Joan; she's gotten under her skin. (The live audience cheers.)

Annie wants to use refugee videos from her charity in the picture frame. She asks Tom to edit the video. He doesn’t do it to her liking. He gets offended and sulks. He gripes to Dennis, who is actually doing something. Tom angrily tells Annie that he doesn't tell her how to play poker. She asks him to take pictures of the party preparations as additional footage for the picture frame.

They make their final touches to the party space. Tom asks if these are all the barstools or if they're just stool samples. Annie kicks all the extra people out, and the party begins.

KOTU's party

The Joan Rivers impersonator works the red carpet for the KOTU party. One of Annie's friends thinks she's the real thing and asks if they should even speak to her.

Joan thinks Annie will out-fundraise her, but she thinks her own party will be better in every other way. She does have some real celebs there too - Kathy Griffin and someone from a previous season of American Idol. Regular folks are bidding on affordable donated items, like autographed photos.

Melissa shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing people sharing things. He's impressed.

Athena's party

Dennis shows up in a lovely blue gown that matches Brandy's except he has a big hat too.

Annie's happy with the room decor. There are poker players, athletes, etc. Annie works them and tries to talk up their auction bids. Dennis thinks it would have been a lot nicer if Annie had been open to his ideas. (It’s not clear whether he ever offered any ideas or not – I didn’t hear any).

Trump shows up and schmoozes. He asks Annie how she did with Dennis. She says Dennis did exactly what she wanted him to.

Annie shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing her charity and some behind-the-scenes of planning the event. He's impressed.

Then everybody gets on the buses for the Cirque du Soleil show. The two teams sit together.

The postmortem

Trump says Dennis redeemed himself.

Joan says her team was “interesting” and they got the job done. Melissa is proud of her mother. Trump asks her about why she called Brande and Annie whores. She said she was angry. Brande says "sure."

Trump says some of the faux celebrities at Joan’s party gave him the creeps.

Annie thinks she raised more money. Trump jokingly asks if her friends are regular gamblers or degenerate gamblers. She says they're investors, and poker is a game of skill and less of a gamble than the stock market. They're generous about money because that's what it's for.

Dennis says good things about Annie and that she was smart to take a chance on him. She's happy with him. Tom says she was a good leader. (I think he wants to add some negative remarks, but Trump cuts him off.) Tom talks about her fundraising skills.

Trump asks Annie about the problem she allegedly had with her decorator. She says she didn't have a problem with her decorator, but they quit because of Joan. Joan calls her a liar! Annie tries to gives her side of the story. Joan interrupts to complain about what an awful person Annie is and that she won't allow this to be on television. Trump barely lets Annie speak. Melissa claims that Athena hired other people! What??? Joan says Annie's money is from the Mafia.

Ivanka asks how they decorated. Joan explains that her volunteers did it. Annie tries to tell the rest of her story, but Joan and Melissa keep interrupting.

There's more bickering, but life's too short for this stupidity.

KOTU raised $150,830. Melissa beams with pride.
Athena raised $465,725. Joan grudgingly says it's all good because it's for charity.

Annie decisively wins in the quantitative category! However, of the four qualitative (and highly subjective) categories, the only one she beats Joan in is charity integration. Trump feels that Joan’s celebrities were more recognizable (true) and that her team did a better job of Kodak branding (that was all Melissa).

In the fifth category, “overall experience,” Trump declares Joan the winner - no doubt the guests were in a much better mood, considering they got free tickets instead of being chased by Tom and Dennis in the street!

Additional “live” material

After each commercial break, there was a brief “live” segment from the Museum of Natural History in NY.

Trump introduced some of the people who were already fired: Andrew "Dice," Scott, Claudia, Brian, Jesse. Andrew isn't able to coherently say how he's been doing lately. Scott thanks Trump for firing him early so he could miss out on the ensuing mess. Trump congratulates Jesse on becoming popular due to the show.

Jesse asks if they're live. He says he learned a lot about how much crap he could take from people, and that Dennis is awesome. Brian says he had a good time. Claudia says she learned more about herself and was glad to show the world she could do more than open a suitcase. (What? All I saw was petty, shrill, jealous, mean-girl behavior.)

Hmm… Natalie, Tionne, and Khloe are missing, and I don’t hear any explanation for their absence. Tionne was fired after doing an excellent job and getting along with everyone, and Khloe was fired because Trump disapproved of her DUI (for which she the state of CA was already punishing her). I can understand why those two wouldn’t want to come back, but I’m not sure why Natalie’s not here.

There’s an “analysis” from Jim Cramer that’s not worth repeating.

Ivanka introduces some "The More You Know" spots in which Joan and Annie talk about their charities.

George Ross says he thinks Annie and Joan don't get along. Ugh, is that all you could come up with, George??

Trump introduces those who were fired but "had the guts" to come back: Herschel, Clint, Melissa, Tom, Brande, and Dennis. Dennis says he's doing well and is thankful to be alive, sad about the death of Chuck Daley. He’s still sore about Jesse calling him out on his drinking, and also feels the need to mention that Jesse's wife makes a lot of money. Jesse calls Dennis “stupid” and says he cares.

Trump asks Melissa if she is embarrassed about her meltdown. She says no. Brande says she and her friends call each other “whore pit vipers” all the time now, and it's water under the bridge. Claudia says Melissa’s behavior was embarrassing, and that it was worse than when she was fired herself and made personal comments about Melissa’s appearance. (Amazing that she can be so self-righteous in such a short time!)

Melissa tries to say something, but Trump cuts her off. He says Clint got lots of abuse instead of the credit he deserved. Trump thanks Kodak, which is giving office equipment to their charities (I'm not sure if he means all of their charities, or just Annie's and Joan's).

Live boardroom

Joan and Annie both say they had fun.

Trump asks Melissa if she hates Annie. Melissa says no; she's just proud of her mother.

Trump asks Brande if she could have beaten Annie. Brande replies, “We'll never know.”

Clint thinks Trump should fire his editor. He adds that he’s always grateful when he doesn't have to decide. (Hmm, that’s not how I remember it!)

Trump asks Jesse who to hire. Jesse jokes that he'd hire Annie because workers’ comp is expensive for old people.

Dennis comes out in favor of Joan. Scott long-windedly endorses Joan for her stamina in old age.

Trump introduces Trace Adkins and claims that Celebrity Apprentice made Trace famous. Seriously!

Trace says his charity raised half a million dollars extra due to show even though he didn't win, plus it got some food allergy legislation moving. Trace is in favor of Joan because she has "that charitable thing."

Piers Morgan says it's already been declared: Annie won two of the criteria and Joan won three.

Joan makes a rambly speech that goes approximately as follows (I can’t swear this is verbatim because I had to delete the show to free up some room on the machine): “I represent winning and business in the new way that this country is taking on, which is, we are honorable, we cannot do business in the old way, we can't grab money because it will affect those you grab from, and we represented getting money for charity. America is about charity… I raised some and awareness and people in England and the whole world knows we're a charitable country.”

Annie replies that if this game is about raising money for charity, winning tasks, or winning as PM, she did better on all counts. Trump points out that she lost the last task.

Annie says that Joan made the designer quit - now that she’s seen the video herself - this means that Joan lied in the boardroom. (The pro-Joan live audience boos.) Trump says that Joan’s lying was smart, and Annie’s been doing that for 14 weeks. (Can someone refresh my memory as to when Annie lied? All I know of is Joan’s claim that Annie complained a little bit about Brande, which Joan mistakenly interpreted as some kind of promise to protect Melissa.)

Annie adds that her friends always came through for her when Joan’s didn't, and it’s because of they way she treats people.

Trump has to tell Joan to let Annie speak.
Annie says there's no boardroom where people can call each other worse than Hitler.

Joan says she owns a jewelry company and she's never fired anyone (this is something you'd mention to Trump??) and she says things to people's faces, unlike Annie who said that Joan was a cancer and hoped she'd die.

Annie says she has always “acted professional” in the boardroom.
“Acted professionally,” Joan corrects her.

Trump says, “This is not going to be easy.”

Ivanka says that Annie was phenomenal and cool and raised lots of money, and Joan has tenacity and is a role model.

Junior agrees that Joan has stamina, and Annie is good at game theory and doesn't let emotion get in the way.

Trump tells Annie that she’s ruthless, and it's been amazing, and that Joan’s energy is amazing and she is a role model. (The exact same words as his kids? Are they working from a script??)

Then he fires Annie. Annie and Joan hug.

THE END

Back to my own griping

Last week, Joan said her family was killed by Nazis, but even so, she thinks Annie's worse than Hitler. Now, if she was sincere about that, then she's crazy-hateful and I don't like her. However, if she was just saying that for our entertainment, then she's using the murders in her family (or if that’s a lie too, then the murders in countless other families) just to make a tasteless joke about someone. That's even more repulsive!

And then she said that she did it for her principles. What was at stake? Melissa staying on the show an extra week or two?

So… Ivanka and Trump think Joan is a role model. That’s really the complaint I have about this outcome - they cited her being a “role model” as the reason for her win.

A role model? Was it the racial remarks? Her habit of asking men she’s just met if they’re gay before they begin their work (just try that in the private sector)? Is it the name-calling and character assassination? I don’t want to minimize her accomplishments, but being a role model is about accomplishments AND character.

I’m not saying that Annie was an angel, or that she should have won because she raised three times as much money as Joan. They handicapped Joan right from the beginning by adding FOUR qualitative (subjective) criteria so that they could hand her the win no matter how well Annie did; or maybe Joan deserved to win the task. I didn’t see enough party footage to be sure.

I don’t like shows that encourage people to show off their ugliest traits for cash, charity, or ratings. I DO enjoy watching people that I can admire; that’s what I liked about the first season or two of The Apprentice Those days are long gone, on the heels of the awesome Carolyn Kepcher. If it were still about skill now, we would have seen a showdown between Jesse and Annie in the finale, with a lot less name-calling and theatrics. (Maybe some good-natured trash-talk, though!)

I’ve found that it’s much more worthwhile to ignore the likes of Joan Rivers, Claudia Jordan, etc. than to watch them and be disgusted. Why oh why didn’t I quit after the first couple of weeks? It was like staring at a train wreck - which is also a bad habit and waste of time. Next season, I’ll find a better way to spend my evening!

Sorry for all the griping, and thanks for reading!