Michael: They're gonna be in this van with me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.
Pam: It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Andy: I don't want to have said that, but I think it's important that you know it.
Dwight: Come along, Afterthought.
Dwight: My apiarist owes me a favor... We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom.
Charles: I was going to say the same thing...
Jim: Oh, but you didn't.
Michael: Well, well, well. How the turntables...
Dwight: No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom - case closed.
Michael: I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.
Bonus Great Moment from 30 Rock:
Elisa: Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 4/19/2009: Frozen hopes
Task: Create a frozen dinner and marketing campaign
KOTU: Joan and Clint, led by Herschel
Athena: Annie, Melissa, and Brande, led by Jesse
Eyes and Ears: Joe Kernan from CNBC and Ivanka
Outcome: Athena wins for a more innovative dinner
Fired: Herschel, for an uninnovative dish and a complicated dessert. His charity, Alternative Community Development Services (no website, try 1320 W Camp Wisdom Rd, Dallas, TX 75232) which provides a variety of services for the Dallas community, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 for Long Beach Education Foundation, which funds education for the industrial arts.
Annie gives that big fat check to Ken Bacon from Refugees International. He is thrilled by huge amount, the biggest check they've ever received.
The task is to create a new meal and marketing campaign for a frozen dinner product line. The execs want something that tastes great and is convenient and healthy.
Jesse agrees to lead Athena. He says "the time is right." Duh. Herschel will lead KOTU - Joan doesn't want Clint to be manager again.
Athena prepares
Annie does the research and discovers that a meatball dinner is the best seller on the company's regular menu, and there's no meatball dinner on the healthy menu yet. A lot of turkey meatballs are dry, but she knows how to make 'em moist. Jesse doesn't think the idea is sexy enough.
Melissa gripes about Annie's meatball idea and suggests chili or soup instead. Brande wants meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
Annie suggests having gluten-free pasta with the meatballs, because gluten-free foods are a growing market.
Jesse tells us he's resigned himself to accepting Annie's ideas. (I don't hear any ideas from him.) He says they'll try all three dishes. To avoid conflict, he'll have Melissa stay with him and work on the campaign while the other two will cook.
Melissa is happy at first to be working on the marketing, but Jesse ignores her or trails off when she asks him what to do. She's not even sure what the campaign is.
CNBC's Joe Kernan comes by to ask what their dinner is. He's skeptical about the gluten-free meal and assumes it will taste like crap.
Annie's in the kitchen. She's fast with a knife and makes Brande come over and see how quick she is. Brande tells us she finds Annie irritating; she talks a lot. Annie tells Brande and the chefs that she's the total woman: she cooks, raises kids, works hard, and gives a good blow job.
Jesse says the meatloaf is good, but he doesn't like it. They all like the chili, but it induces some farting. Jesse doesn't like the meatballs as much as the chili, but Annie and Melissa prefer the meatballs. Brande loves the chili, but says you can just get that out of a can, while this stuff is different. To avoid a big debate, Jesse chooses the meatballs.
They brainstorm names. Melissa suggests "Triple-Plate Turkey Meatballs," and Annie quickly agrees. Awwww, they're getting along! It's like Hands Across America!
Brande asks about the campaign and presentation. Jesse just says "we're good" and sends them home. Annie tells us she feels locked out.
KOTU prepares
Herschel does the research and finds that skinless chicken breast is popular on the company's existing healthy dinner menu, so they should offer that. Clint says he's not so sure about adding yet another chicken dish, but Herschel says it's what the customers like. Clint tells us he's keeping his debating down to nil because of his reputation for arguing, so he offers his wife's recipe for ginger soy chicken.
Herschel doesn't eat meat, so he doesn't really know much about this stuff, but he runs a food company. Go figure.
Ivanka visits KOTU and they tell her about the chicken. Ivanka thinks Herschel might be right, but her dad would never eat soy ginger chicken.
Herschel wants to add a parfait for dessert, with yogurt and berries and such.
Clint and Herschel bicker about making the yogurt for the dessert. Clint has some concern about thawing it. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what the problem is, because they have professional chefs there who could surely offer advice on this matter. Herschel gives Clint grief for arguing.
Clint wants to cook the chicken. Like Annie, he is fast with a knife. The soy ginger sauce is much, much too salty. Joan says it's like drinking a glass of soy sauce, or soy sauce garnished with chicken. Clint balks at changing the recipe. Joan suggests adding orange juice. (Blood oranges, yum!) They're all happy with the result - Asian Orange Chicken.
Joan and Clint work on the marketing. Clint recalls that the execs said that the Customer Service Manager is important. In his idea for an ad, a CSM shows up at Clint's tour bus with some meals.
Herschel tells us Clint loves to be out front; the heck with him and Joan. Joan gripes to us that Herschel is supposed to be the project manager, but Clint is deciding the campaign.
The judging
Joan explains the KOTU meal to the execs. It's an East-meets-West, worldwide meal. Orange soy ginger chicken, sweet potatoes, french green beans, 480 calories. Clint explains the marketing campaign and talks while they eat, oh God he was serious about the tour bus ad, he's describing it to the execs while they eat. How are they not gagging?
After KOTU leaves, the execs discuss the meal. They like the flavors, but they aren't sure about the yogurt with fruit and think it will require special handling and extra packaging for the toppings.
Jesse gives the Athena presentation. Gluten-free pasta, and vegetables instead of breadcrumbs in the meatballs. Light tomato-basil sauce. It looks AWESOME. Apple crisp for dessert. (Gluten in the dessert? Gotta watch out for that.)
Afterwards, Brande tells us she still finds the marketing portion to be lacking. Maybe because there was no campaign whatsoever. The execs noticed that too.
The postmortem
Herschel thinks Joan did a better job because she stayed on task, unlike Clint who took over the cooking when he was supposed to be doing the campaign. (He politely doesn't mention that Clint's campaign sucked too.)
Clint says he had reservations about offering another chicken dinner. Herschel says he didn't hear him voice his opinion. Too bad - I did. Clint also voiced concern about using regular yogurt, which wouldn't freeze and thaw well. Herschel says Clint's not telling the truth. (This is not the first time Herschel has denied something that happened right in front of him and caught by the camera.)
Jesse thinks he was a strong leader. Annie says he was good in only "some aspects." He didn't take suggestions. Melissa says it was polite but tense between Annie and Jesse. From the peanut gallery, Joan tells Melissa not to bother because they'll just deny it.
Trump asks if Jesse's an intense person, he seems so low-key, practically a stiff. Why is Sandra Bullock in love with him? There is some snickering.
Joe (CNBC guy) says the execs thought Athena's dish was innovative, but there was no marketing campaign.
Ivanka says the execs liked the taste of KOTU's meal and it was healthy, but the dessert was too complicated.
They liked both, but they liked Athena's more. Athena wins, and Jesse gets 20K for the Long Beach Education Foundation, which funds education for the industrial arts.
Annie crows to Joe Kernan, "I told you the gluten-free would work."
In the boardroom
Clint says he doesn't know what he would have done differently if he'd been project manager, because they didn't explore any other dishes besides the chicken. Herschel says again that Clint didn't protest against the chicken.
Joan says she wanted Herschel as PM because Clint is too stubborn. Trump changes the subject and asks why she hates Annie so much. In the suite, Annie complains that no matter what she says, Joan will always reply "she's a bitch." That's an interesting remark from Annie, because Annie's the one who called Joan a bitch at the end of the last task in the same episode. Melissa keeps her mouth shut.
Joe from CNBC changes the subject back to the task, thank you. He asks about the marketing campaign. Herschel says Clint made himself the star of the campaign. He insists he likes Clint. Clint claims that he likes Herschel too, but they misunderstand each other. Ivanka says there are weekly arguments about Clint not listening to the team or the PM. Clint says that offering an opinion before the decision is made is a legitimate way to support the PM. Trump says Clint doesn't listen.
In the suite, Jesse tells his teammates that he was the first to recommend firing Clint.
Joan cries again for the second week in a row when asked who should be fired. Trump says Herschel was responsible for the chicken and the dessert and couldn't control Clint. Much as he loves Herschel - and he loves him a lot - Herschel's fired. His charity, Alternative Community Development Services (no website, try 1320 W Camp Wisdom Rd, Dallas, TX 75232) which provides a variety of services for the Dallas community, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Joan gives him a hug and says she's going to write his mother a letter saying what a great man he is.
KOTU: Joan and Clint, led by Herschel
Athena: Annie, Melissa, and Brande, led by Jesse
Eyes and Ears: Joe Kernan from CNBC and Ivanka
Outcome: Athena wins for a more innovative dinner
Fired: Herschel, for an uninnovative dish and a complicated dessert. His charity, Alternative Community Development Services (no website, try 1320 W Camp Wisdom Rd, Dallas, TX 75232) which provides a variety of services for the Dallas community, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 for Long Beach Education Foundation, which funds education for the industrial arts.
Annie gives that big fat check to Ken Bacon from Refugees International. He is thrilled by huge amount, the biggest check they've ever received.
The task is to create a new meal and marketing campaign for a frozen dinner product line. The execs want something that tastes great and is convenient and healthy.
Jesse agrees to lead Athena. He says "the time is right." Duh. Herschel will lead KOTU - Joan doesn't want Clint to be manager again.
Athena prepares
Annie does the research and discovers that a meatball dinner is the best seller on the company's regular menu, and there's no meatball dinner on the healthy menu yet. A lot of turkey meatballs are dry, but she knows how to make 'em moist. Jesse doesn't think the idea is sexy enough.
Melissa gripes about Annie's meatball idea and suggests chili or soup instead. Brande wants meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
Annie suggests having gluten-free pasta with the meatballs, because gluten-free foods are a growing market.
Jesse tells us he's resigned himself to accepting Annie's ideas. (I don't hear any ideas from him.) He says they'll try all three dishes. To avoid conflict, he'll have Melissa stay with him and work on the campaign while the other two will cook.
Melissa is happy at first to be working on the marketing, but Jesse ignores her or trails off when she asks him what to do. She's not even sure what the campaign is.
CNBC's Joe Kernan comes by to ask what their dinner is. He's skeptical about the gluten-free meal and assumes it will taste like crap.
Annie's in the kitchen. She's fast with a knife and makes Brande come over and see how quick she is. Brande tells us she finds Annie irritating; she talks a lot. Annie tells Brande and the chefs that she's the total woman: she cooks, raises kids, works hard, and gives a good blow job.
Jesse says the meatloaf is good, but he doesn't like it. They all like the chili, but it induces some farting. Jesse doesn't like the meatballs as much as the chili, but Annie and Melissa prefer the meatballs. Brande loves the chili, but says you can just get that out of a can, while this stuff is different. To avoid a big debate, Jesse chooses the meatballs.
They brainstorm names. Melissa suggests "Triple-Plate Turkey Meatballs," and Annie quickly agrees. Awwww, they're getting along! It's like Hands Across America!
Brande asks about the campaign and presentation. Jesse just says "we're good" and sends them home. Annie tells us she feels locked out.
KOTU prepares
Herschel does the research and finds that skinless chicken breast is popular on the company's existing healthy dinner menu, so they should offer that. Clint says he's not so sure about adding yet another chicken dish, but Herschel says it's what the customers like. Clint tells us he's keeping his debating down to nil because of his reputation for arguing, so he offers his wife's recipe for ginger soy chicken.
Herschel doesn't eat meat, so he doesn't really know much about this stuff, but he runs a food company. Go figure.
Ivanka visits KOTU and they tell her about the chicken. Ivanka thinks Herschel might be right, but her dad would never eat soy ginger chicken.
Herschel wants to add a parfait for dessert, with yogurt and berries and such.
Clint and Herschel bicker about making the yogurt for the dessert. Clint has some concern about thawing it. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what the problem is, because they have professional chefs there who could surely offer advice on this matter. Herschel gives Clint grief for arguing.
Clint wants to cook the chicken. Like Annie, he is fast with a knife. The soy ginger sauce is much, much too salty. Joan says it's like drinking a glass of soy sauce, or soy sauce garnished with chicken. Clint balks at changing the recipe. Joan suggests adding orange juice. (Blood oranges, yum!) They're all happy with the result - Asian Orange Chicken.
Joan and Clint work on the marketing. Clint recalls that the execs said that the Customer Service Manager is important. In his idea for an ad, a CSM shows up at Clint's tour bus with some meals.
Herschel tells us Clint loves to be out front; the heck with him and Joan. Joan gripes to us that Herschel is supposed to be the project manager, but Clint is deciding the campaign.
The judging
Joan explains the KOTU meal to the execs. It's an East-meets-West, worldwide meal. Orange soy ginger chicken, sweet potatoes, french green beans, 480 calories. Clint explains the marketing campaign and talks while they eat, oh God he was serious about the tour bus ad, he's describing it to the execs while they eat. How are they not gagging?
After KOTU leaves, the execs discuss the meal. They like the flavors, but they aren't sure about the yogurt with fruit and think it will require special handling and extra packaging for the toppings.
Jesse gives the Athena presentation. Gluten-free pasta, and vegetables instead of breadcrumbs in the meatballs. Light tomato-basil sauce. It looks AWESOME. Apple crisp for dessert. (Gluten in the dessert? Gotta watch out for that.)
Afterwards, Brande tells us she still finds the marketing portion to be lacking. Maybe because there was no campaign whatsoever. The execs noticed that too.
The postmortem
Herschel thinks Joan did a better job because she stayed on task, unlike Clint who took over the cooking when he was supposed to be doing the campaign. (He politely doesn't mention that Clint's campaign sucked too.)
Clint says he had reservations about offering another chicken dinner. Herschel says he didn't hear him voice his opinion. Too bad - I did. Clint also voiced concern about using regular yogurt, which wouldn't freeze and thaw well. Herschel says Clint's not telling the truth. (This is not the first time Herschel has denied something that happened right in front of him and caught by the camera.)
Jesse thinks he was a strong leader. Annie says he was good in only "some aspects." He didn't take suggestions. Melissa says it was polite but tense between Annie and Jesse. From the peanut gallery, Joan tells Melissa not to bother because they'll just deny it.
Trump asks if Jesse's an intense person, he seems so low-key, practically a stiff. Why is Sandra Bullock in love with him? There is some snickering.
Joe (CNBC guy) says the execs thought Athena's dish was innovative, but there was no marketing campaign.
Ivanka says the execs liked the taste of KOTU's meal and it was healthy, but the dessert was too complicated.
They liked both, but they liked Athena's more. Athena wins, and Jesse gets 20K for the Long Beach Education Foundation, which funds education for the industrial arts.
Annie crows to Joe Kernan, "I told you the gluten-free would work."
In the boardroom
Clint says he doesn't know what he would have done differently if he'd been project manager, because they didn't explore any other dishes besides the chicken. Herschel says again that Clint didn't protest against the chicken.
Joan says she wanted Herschel as PM because Clint is too stubborn. Trump changes the subject and asks why she hates Annie so much. In the suite, Annie complains that no matter what she says, Joan will always reply "she's a bitch." That's an interesting remark from Annie, because Annie's the one who called Joan a bitch at the end of the last task in the same episode. Melissa keeps her mouth shut.
Joe from CNBC changes the subject back to the task, thank you. He asks about the marketing campaign. Herschel says Clint made himself the star of the campaign. He insists he likes Clint. Clint claims that he likes Herschel too, but they misunderstand each other. Ivanka says there are weekly arguments about Clint not listening to the team or the PM. Clint says that offering an opinion before the decision is made is a legitimate way to support the PM. Trump says Clint doesn't listen.
In the suite, Jesse tells his teammates that he was the first to recommend firing Clint.
Joan cries again for the second week in a row when asked who should be fired. Trump says Herschel was responsible for the chicken and the dessert and couldn't control Clint. Much as he loves Herschel - and he loves him a lot - Herschel's fired. His charity, Alternative Community Development Services (no website, try 1320 W Camp Wisdom Rd, Dallas, TX 75232) which provides a variety of services for the Dallas community, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Joan gives him a hug and says she's going to write his mother a letter saying what a great man he is.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 4/12 & 4/19/2009: Bitchery, part 2
Task: Auction jewelry designed by Ivanka Trump
KOTU: Clint, Herschel, Natalie, led by Joan
Athena: Jesse, Brande, Melissa, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka, Piers Morgan
Outcome: KOTU raises $92,000; Athena raises $153,000. Athena wins.
Fired: Natalie, for poor jewelry choices and ineffective fund raising.
Donation: $245,000 to Refugees International, which assists and protects displaced people around the world.
They're still talking about the last task, and Joan's still fuming about Annie, when Trump calls them back to the boardroom for another task. Each team will pick five pieces of jewelry designed by Ivanka to auction.
Trump chooses Annie to lead Athena, since she was previously accused of playing to last rather than playing to win.
Joan nominates Herschel to lead KOTU, but Trump has other ideas: he chooses Joan. (There's a priceless look on Annie's face as she silently reacts.) Annie vows, "I'm gonna crush you, Joan!", but Joan looks mad enough to kill!
Joan already won $126,000 for her charity in the first task! Yeesh, it would have been nice to let Herschel win something.
Later, Natalie and Melissa take turns picking out pieces of jewelry for the auction. There's no conflict or competition here at all; they are picking opposite styles. Melissa's choices are large and showy; Natalie's are classic and tasteful. Melissa thinks Natalie's choices are nice, but her own choices will look more impressive up on the stage.
While the teams strategize, Trump meets with Piers Morgan and tells him to keep a watch on things. He warns that Joan and Annie hate each other and tell him what's going on. He describes Melissa as "bratty" and says Jesse hasn't raised any money yet.
KOTU prepares
There's not much drama here: The fund raising begins right away and Natalie goes off to select the jewelry. The rest of the team agrees to pool their money and buy the cheapest piece with it.
Joan is not happy with the jewelry that Natalie picked; it's not big or showy enough. She doesn't say anything to Natalie, though.
Natalie seems to be taking the lead on keeping track of donations. She is uncomfortable asking her friends for more money and tries to think of other possible donors. She wonders if Annie doesn't have some poker rivals who would love to outbid Annie's friends at the auction.
While Joan and Natalie go to the store to scope out some clothes, Herschel and Clint stay behind to pick out/giggle at the models. Herschel feels that chatting with them is the best way to evaluate their stage presence.
Joan selects some gowns to go with the jewelry and asks the store to hide them so the other team doesn't pick the same thing.
Natalie tries to reach poker champion Phil Hellmuth to find out if he'd be interested in kicking in a lot of money against Annie.
Ivanka and Piers visit KOTU. Piers thinks the guys look like clowns flirting with the models. Piers asks Joan how she feels about being in a competition with Melissa. Joan says she's okay as long as Mel loses only because she deserves it and doesn't get thrown under the bus. Ivanka says that if she got run over, her father would blame her for getting in the way.
Before the auction, KOTU pools their donor money and instructs their bidder to buy the cheapest piece.
Athena prepares
Annie assigns tasks and brags that other leaders haven't done that. Not true - Tionne did it for the hotel task. How soon they forget! Anyway, Jesse will do the brochure, and Melissa will pick out the jewelry... Melissa nominates herself to pick out the clothes too, but Annie has decided that this will be Brande's job, along with getting the models. Melissa fumes. She thinks this is her "thing," but so does Brande. Melissa feels backstabbed because Annie gushes with praise for Brande after weeks of criticizing her.
Annie thinks that if her team loses, she won't be fired as long as she raises the most money. She calls her poker buddies and aggressively asks them for money, really putting them on the spot. Melissa gripes. (Does she want to win or not?) She warns the team that whoever raises the least money will go to the boardroom if they lose. (With only four left on the team, it's not safe for her to assume that she'll be allowed to choose; Trump will probably just fire one of the four without asking her to pick.) Jesse asks if Annie is planning to lose.
Jesse confides to us that he's saving his big donors for when he has a task of his own, to benefit his own charity. (He's now the only one who hasn't led a task yet.)
Melissa comes back from the jewelry-picking meeting feeling that she made the better choices. She bristles (and gripes) when the team does not enthusiastically applaud her selections.
Annie frets about her teammates' anemic fundraising efforts. She feels that Brande is the only other good fundraiser on the team; Brande has a donor who says he'll give her a billion dollars. (Uh, don't count on that, Annie... he also said he was impulsive and he might only feel like spending a penny!) "I'm sure he was exaggerating," Brande sagely says.
But Melissa is still mystified by their sudden camaraderie.
They audition models. They pick out four and Annie feels that they need another blonde. Jesse nominates Brande. (Or did Annie just set it up for someone to have that "idea"?) She can model the piece that her donor's interested in. (Melissa gripes. She's starting to sound as bitter as Claudia did.)
Brande, Melissa, and the models go to the store to pick out gowns. They have one hour. Remember, Brande was supposed to outfit the models. Instead, she is more interested in modeling outfits for herself. As Brande wheels an entire rack of pretty things into the dressing room to try on, Melissa works with the other four and gripes some more, not that I blame her but please just stifle for a little while, okay?
Melissa steams some more in the van while Brande tells Annie all about their great shopping trip.
Jesse works on the brochure. It turns out that Jesse knows all about auctions. He hopes that hard work, rather than big donors, will get him through this task.
Ivanka and Piers visit Athena. Brande sucks up to him. Melissa gripes. They talk about how it's all about money. After they leave, Melissa makes more phone calls. Brande gripes that Melissa didn't do that before.
Phil Hellmuth calls Annie and tells her that Natalie called to ask for money and names. Annie calls the mutual friend who hooked Natalie up with Phil and screams at him. (KOTU overhears the whole thing through the wall.) Apparently, this mutual friend thought that Natalie needed a poker coach to help her to beat Annie. He swears he only put her in touch with Phil and no one else.
Melissa is grimly amused by what she perceives as Annie's hypocrisy in being angry about a tactic that Melissa feels Annie would have used without hesitation herself. Annie goes to confront Natalie. Natalie enjoys Annie's reaction, but realizes now she won't be getting any poker money. Clint asks her to get some money out of her manager instead.
Melissa works backstage to get the models ready for the auction. She gripes that no one pats her on the back for her hard work and even asks Annie if her jewelry picks were good. Seriously! Annie tells us that Melissa doesn't get it: it's really about the money.
The auction
Annie is the auctioneer for Athena. With some targeted remarks and cajoling, she raises $127K for the first three pieces alone (50K from Brande's donor; Brande gives him a good look). (We don't know what she gets for the other two.)
Clint is auctioneer for KOTU. The first item, a pair of rings, doesn't even fetch the starting bid of $20K. It gets very awkward, and they end up not selling it. Unhappy, Joan wonders if she should step in. The second item, a pair of earrings, gets only $12K (from Brande's donor). Clint awkwardly jokes that he saw Trump wearing a similar pair recently. This does not elicit any laughter. (Piers whispers to Ivanka that he feels sorry for him.) Worried, Natalie suggests bringing out their cheapest piece. It's a ring, but Clint is confused and says it's earrings. Joan comes out and helps Clint. Their bidder offers $83,500. KOTU hopes the audience will be in more of a bidding mood now. Joan continues to help Clint, joking that their model is bulimic. We don't get to hear how much the other pieces sell for.
The postmortem
Annie says Melissa did a good job of picking jewelry. Ivanka agrees. Annie doesn't want to identify any "weak spots" on the team, but says that Melissa and Jesse raised the least money. Piers questions why Jesse didn't ask his wife for money. Jesse says he doesn't mix business and pleasure and doesn't personally know a lot of movie stars.
Joan also praises her team. Ivanka asks why Joan didn't step out sooner when Clint's auctioneering wasn't going well. Joan says she wanted the whole team to participate. Ivanka isn't happy with their jewelry choices; they couldn't be seen from the back row. Between that and Clint's weak eprformance, it made Ivanka look bad. Joan explains their strategy of selling one piece for a high amount, and says their task was to raise the most money, not sell jewelry. Piers thinks it was disrespectful.
Clint says they didn't have as big of a war chest as the other team. Piers thinks they should have been able to get more money. So does Trump; he and Joan know many of the same people. Melissa says that this should be a private conversation, because Trump would be surprised at some of their mutual acquaintances that she and Joan have called who turned them down. Piers asks why Melissa is defending someone from the other team. Melissa felt he was taking a disrespectful tone and becoming aggressive and critical.
Trump asks Annie what she thinks. Joan says she doesn't care. Trump says he cares. Joan cover her ears. Wicked mature, Joan! Annie thinks it was disrespectful to Annie that KOTU didn't sell all five pieces. Joan, who evidently was listening after all, has lots to say about Annie's poor character and then repeats all of the things Annie said about Brande behind her back.
However, Annie and Brande already had a private conversation about this, and then Brande rallied and became a valuable player. (Annie does all the talking; Brande says nothing. Not that she can get a word in.) Melissa takes credit for being the first to express concerns about Brande! Joan complains about Annie's ego and her fake niceness and compares her to Hitler.
Piers asks if, in light of Joan's comments about Annie, Melissa still thinks that he was being disrespectful to Joan.
Annie says at least her people come out and help her when she asks them to. Trump agrees that they must like her.
Joan brings up the subject of Phil Hellmuth. Natalie explains it. The point of their story was that Annie didn't like what happened, ha ha ha! The significance of this is lost on Piers and the Trumps, who note that the plan backfired. This guy was loyal to Annie and didn't give KOTU any money.
Melissa has to throw in her two cents again, saying that Annie screamed a lot. Trump and Piers are mystified as to why Melissa is talking against Annie. Melissa says she's just trying to say that, contrary to Trump's impression, Annie was angry and screaming, that's how it went, and no need to bicker about it any more. Trump asks Melissa if Annie is a bad person. After a pause, she says no and then defends Annie.
Ivanka asks Jesse if Melissa's a liability since she's not on the same team as her mother. Jesse gives a noncommittal answer. Trump says Melissa's loyalty is admirable.
KOTU raised $92,000, mostly on one piece. Athena raised $153,000. (These numbers are profit - not counting the cost of the models and maybe the clothing and jewelry.)
Annie gets $245,000 for her charity, Refugees International, which assists and protects displaced people around the world. Not content with her win, before they even get back to the suite, Annie lays into Melissa for letting her mother make such personal remarks about her. Melissa says she tried to stop it and she can't control a 76-year-old woman. Annie hopes Joan gets fired. Joan Rivers is dead to her!
In the boardroom
Joan tries to defend Natalie's jewelry choices, saying she didn't tell Natalie what kind of jewelry to pick.
Joan cries rather than say who she would fire. Trump says Herschel raised the most money. And he thinks Joan was terrific. Clint was an awful auctioneer, but is not, in Trump's opinion, the reason they lost. Natalie picked jewelry that was too small to be seen from the stage, and she didn't raise enough money, so she's fired. Natalie says Trump is the first boss she's ever had, and also her first firing.
Annie is still yelling at Melissa about letting her mother call Annie Hitler; Melissa is watching the boardroom on TV. She interrupts Annie to say that Natalie just got fired. Annie is stunned to silence.
The remains of KOTU comes up to the suite. Melissa begs her mother not to throw gasoline on Annie's fire.
Annie's still mad, and tells us that Joan's a crazy bitch. Melissa says at least all the money's going to a worthy cause. Annie jokes that she's giving it to the Hitler Fund.
KOTU: Clint, Herschel, Natalie, led by Joan
Athena: Jesse, Brande, Melissa, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka, Piers Morgan
Outcome: KOTU raises $92,000; Athena raises $153,000. Athena wins.
Fired: Natalie, for poor jewelry choices and ineffective fund raising.
Donation: $245,000 to Refugees International, which assists and protects displaced people around the world.
They're still talking about the last task, and Joan's still fuming about Annie, when Trump calls them back to the boardroom for another task. Each team will pick five pieces of jewelry designed by Ivanka to auction.
Trump chooses Annie to lead Athena, since she was previously accused of playing to last rather than playing to win.
Joan nominates Herschel to lead KOTU, but Trump has other ideas: he chooses Joan. (There's a priceless look on Annie's face as she silently reacts.) Annie vows, "I'm gonna crush you, Joan!", but Joan looks mad enough to kill!
Joan already won $126,000 for her charity in the first task! Yeesh, it would have been nice to let Herschel win something.
Later, Natalie and Melissa take turns picking out pieces of jewelry for the auction. There's no conflict or competition here at all; they are picking opposite styles. Melissa's choices are large and showy; Natalie's are classic and tasteful. Melissa thinks Natalie's choices are nice, but her own choices will look more impressive up on the stage.
While the teams strategize, Trump meets with Piers Morgan and tells him to keep a watch on things. He warns that Joan and Annie hate each other and tell him what's going on. He describes Melissa as "bratty" and says Jesse hasn't raised any money yet.
KOTU prepares
There's not much drama here: The fund raising begins right away and Natalie goes off to select the jewelry. The rest of the team agrees to pool their money and buy the cheapest piece with it.
Joan is not happy with the jewelry that Natalie picked; it's not big or showy enough. She doesn't say anything to Natalie, though.
Natalie seems to be taking the lead on keeping track of donations. She is uncomfortable asking her friends for more money and tries to think of other possible donors. She wonders if Annie doesn't have some poker rivals who would love to outbid Annie's friends at the auction.
While Joan and Natalie go to the store to scope out some clothes, Herschel and Clint stay behind to pick out/giggle at the models. Herschel feels that chatting with them is the best way to evaluate their stage presence.
Joan selects some gowns to go with the jewelry and asks the store to hide them so the other team doesn't pick the same thing.
Natalie tries to reach poker champion Phil Hellmuth to find out if he'd be interested in kicking in a lot of money against Annie.
Ivanka and Piers visit KOTU. Piers thinks the guys look like clowns flirting with the models. Piers asks Joan how she feels about being in a competition with Melissa. Joan says she's okay as long as Mel loses only because she deserves it and doesn't get thrown under the bus. Ivanka says that if she got run over, her father would blame her for getting in the way.
Before the auction, KOTU pools their donor money and instructs their bidder to buy the cheapest piece.
Athena prepares
Annie assigns tasks and brags that other leaders haven't done that. Not true - Tionne did it for the hotel task. How soon they forget! Anyway, Jesse will do the brochure, and Melissa will pick out the jewelry... Melissa nominates herself to pick out the clothes too, but Annie has decided that this will be Brande's job, along with getting the models. Melissa fumes. She thinks this is her "thing," but so does Brande. Melissa feels backstabbed because Annie gushes with praise for Brande after weeks of criticizing her.
Annie thinks that if her team loses, she won't be fired as long as she raises the most money. She calls her poker buddies and aggressively asks them for money, really putting them on the spot. Melissa gripes. (Does she want to win or not?) She warns the team that whoever raises the least money will go to the boardroom if they lose. (With only four left on the team, it's not safe for her to assume that she'll be allowed to choose; Trump will probably just fire one of the four without asking her to pick.) Jesse asks if Annie is planning to lose.
Jesse confides to us that he's saving his big donors for when he has a task of his own, to benefit his own charity. (He's now the only one who hasn't led a task yet.)
Melissa comes back from the jewelry-picking meeting feeling that she made the better choices. She bristles (and gripes) when the team does not enthusiastically applaud her selections.
Annie frets about her teammates' anemic fundraising efforts. She feels that Brande is the only other good fundraiser on the team; Brande has a donor who says he'll give her a billion dollars. (Uh, don't count on that, Annie... he also said he was impulsive and he might only feel like spending a penny!) "I'm sure he was exaggerating," Brande sagely says.
But Melissa is still mystified by their sudden camaraderie.
They audition models. They pick out four and Annie feels that they need another blonde. Jesse nominates Brande. (Or did Annie just set it up for someone to have that "idea"?) She can model the piece that her donor's interested in. (Melissa gripes. She's starting to sound as bitter as Claudia did.)
Brande, Melissa, and the models go to the store to pick out gowns. They have one hour. Remember, Brande was supposed to outfit the models. Instead, she is more interested in modeling outfits for herself. As Brande wheels an entire rack of pretty things into the dressing room to try on, Melissa works with the other four and gripes some more, not that I blame her but please just stifle for a little while, okay?
Melissa steams some more in the van while Brande tells Annie all about their great shopping trip.
Jesse works on the brochure. It turns out that Jesse knows all about auctions. He hopes that hard work, rather than big donors, will get him through this task.
Ivanka and Piers visit Athena. Brande sucks up to him. Melissa gripes. They talk about how it's all about money. After they leave, Melissa makes more phone calls. Brande gripes that Melissa didn't do that before.
Phil Hellmuth calls Annie and tells her that Natalie called to ask for money and names. Annie calls the mutual friend who hooked Natalie up with Phil and screams at him. (KOTU overhears the whole thing through the wall.) Apparently, this mutual friend thought that Natalie needed a poker coach to help her to beat Annie. He swears he only put her in touch with Phil and no one else.
Melissa is grimly amused by what she perceives as Annie's hypocrisy in being angry about a tactic that Melissa feels Annie would have used without hesitation herself. Annie goes to confront Natalie. Natalie enjoys Annie's reaction, but realizes now she won't be getting any poker money. Clint asks her to get some money out of her manager instead.
Melissa works backstage to get the models ready for the auction. She gripes that no one pats her on the back for her hard work and even asks Annie if her jewelry picks were good. Seriously! Annie tells us that Melissa doesn't get it: it's really about the money.
The auction
Annie is the auctioneer for Athena. With some targeted remarks and cajoling, she raises $127K for the first three pieces alone (50K from Brande's donor; Brande gives him a good look). (We don't know what she gets for the other two.)
Clint is auctioneer for KOTU. The first item, a pair of rings, doesn't even fetch the starting bid of $20K. It gets very awkward, and they end up not selling it. Unhappy, Joan wonders if she should step in. The second item, a pair of earrings, gets only $12K (from Brande's donor). Clint awkwardly jokes that he saw Trump wearing a similar pair recently. This does not elicit any laughter. (Piers whispers to Ivanka that he feels sorry for him.) Worried, Natalie suggests bringing out their cheapest piece. It's a ring, but Clint is confused and says it's earrings. Joan comes out and helps Clint. Their bidder offers $83,500. KOTU hopes the audience will be in more of a bidding mood now. Joan continues to help Clint, joking that their model is bulimic. We don't get to hear how much the other pieces sell for.
The postmortem
Annie says Melissa did a good job of picking jewelry. Ivanka agrees. Annie doesn't want to identify any "weak spots" on the team, but says that Melissa and Jesse raised the least money. Piers questions why Jesse didn't ask his wife for money. Jesse says he doesn't mix business and pleasure and doesn't personally know a lot of movie stars.
Joan also praises her team. Ivanka asks why Joan didn't step out sooner when Clint's auctioneering wasn't going well. Joan says she wanted the whole team to participate. Ivanka isn't happy with their jewelry choices; they couldn't be seen from the back row. Between that and Clint's weak eprformance, it made Ivanka look bad. Joan explains their strategy of selling one piece for a high amount, and says their task was to raise the most money, not sell jewelry. Piers thinks it was disrespectful.
Clint says they didn't have as big of a war chest as the other team. Piers thinks they should have been able to get more money. So does Trump; he and Joan know many of the same people. Melissa says that this should be a private conversation, because Trump would be surprised at some of their mutual acquaintances that she and Joan have called who turned them down. Piers asks why Melissa is defending someone from the other team. Melissa felt he was taking a disrespectful tone and becoming aggressive and critical.
Trump asks Annie what she thinks. Joan says she doesn't care. Trump says he cares. Joan cover her ears. Wicked mature, Joan! Annie thinks it was disrespectful to Annie that KOTU didn't sell all five pieces. Joan, who evidently was listening after all, has lots to say about Annie's poor character and then repeats all of the things Annie said about Brande behind her back.
However, Annie and Brande already had a private conversation about this, and then Brande rallied and became a valuable player. (Annie does all the talking; Brande says nothing. Not that she can get a word in.) Melissa takes credit for being the first to express concerns about Brande! Joan complains about Annie's ego and her fake niceness and compares her to Hitler.
Piers asks if, in light of Joan's comments about Annie, Melissa still thinks that he was being disrespectful to Joan.
Annie says at least her people come out and help her when she asks them to. Trump agrees that they must like her.
Joan brings up the subject of Phil Hellmuth. Natalie explains it. The point of their story was that Annie didn't like what happened, ha ha ha! The significance of this is lost on Piers and the Trumps, who note that the plan backfired. This guy was loyal to Annie and didn't give KOTU any money.
Melissa has to throw in her two cents again, saying that Annie screamed a lot. Trump and Piers are mystified as to why Melissa is talking against Annie. Melissa says she's just trying to say that, contrary to Trump's impression, Annie was angry and screaming, that's how it went, and no need to bicker about it any more. Trump asks Melissa if Annie is a bad person. After a pause, she says no and then defends Annie.
Ivanka asks Jesse if Melissa's a liability since she's not on the same team as her mother. Jesse gives a noncommittal answer. Trump says Melissa's loyalty is admirable.
KOTU raised $92,000, mostly on one piece. Athena raised $153,000. (These numbers are profit - not counting the cost of the models and maybe the clothing and jewelry.)
Annie gets $245,000 for her charity, Refugees International, which assists and protects displaced people around the world. Not content with her win, before they even get back to the suite, Annie lays into Melissa for letting her mother make such personal remarks about her. Melissa says she tried to stop it and she can't control a 76-year-old woman. Annie hopes Joan gets fired. Joan Rivers is dead to her!
In the boardroom
Joan tries to defend Natalie's jewelry choices, saying she didn't tell Natalie what kind of jewelry to pick.
Joan cries rather than say who she would fire. Trump says Herschel raised the most money. And he thinks Joan was terrific. Clint was an awful auctioneer, but is not, in Trump's opinion, the reason they lost. Natalie picked jewelry that was too small to be seen from the stage, and she didn't raise enough money, so she's fired. Natalie says Trump is the first boss she's ever had, and also her first firing.
Annie is still yelling at Melissa about letting her mother call Annie Hitler; Melissa is watching the boardroom on TV. She interrupts Annie to say that Natalie just got fired. Annie is stunned to silence.
The remains of KOTU comes up to the suite. Melissa begs her mother not to throw gasoline on Annie's fire.
Annie's still mad, and tells us that Joan's a crazy bitch. Melissa says at least all the money's going to a worthy cause. Annie jokes that she's giving it to the Hitler Fund.
Friday, April 17, 2009
4/16/2009: Great Moments in "The Office"
Pam: Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
Jim: We are going bargain-hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Dwight: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack-readiness?
Jim: Am I going down a road?
Andy: Let me be your Traveling Pants.
Michael: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon.
Dwight: Master and apprentice, pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like Highlander, but still...
Michael: It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight: Are you saying you invented paper?
Dwight: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil!
Michael: I color-code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "orange you glad you didn't bring it up." Most colors mean "don't say it."
Jim: We are going bargain-hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
Dwight: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack-readiness?
Jim: Am I going down a road?
Andy: Let me be your Traveling Pants.
Michael: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon.
Dwight: Master and apprentice, pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like Highlander, but still...
Michael: It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
Dwight: Are you saying you invented paper?
Dwight: It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil!
Michael: I color-code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "orange you glad you didn't bring it up." Most colors mean "don't say it."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 4/12/2009: Bitchery, part 1
Task: Design packaging and display for an ID theft service
KOTU: Joan, Clint, and Herschel, led by Natalie
Athena: Jesse, Brande, Melissa, Annie, led by Brian
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and George Ross
Outcome: KOTU wins for having a more creative design.
Boardroom: Brian chooses Melissa and Brande for the boardroom.
Fired: Brian, for losing his drive.
Donation: $20,000 to Boys & Girls Clubs of America.
When Clint and Natalie return to the suite, Joan is disgusted that Clint wasn't fired. Clint and Melissa commiserate as project managers seeing teammates fired unfairly.
When they meet with Trump about the next task, some bad feelings are expressed, but he defends his decisions. For some reason, the words "grandstanding" and "ratings" aren't used.
The task is to design packaging and an in-store display for an ID theft service.
Even though neither Annie nor Jesse has been PM yet, Annie pushes Brian to be PM a second time and admits to us that she doesn't want to be PM on an advertising/marketing project because she'll be at the mercy of someone else's judgment, which she can't control. (She mentions later that money is also part of the reason; she wants a chance to raise more money for her charity.)
I don't know why Brian, who tells us he's still tired from his last gig, doesn't just say no and turn it back on Annie, but he accepts.
By contrast, Herschel pushes Natalie to lead KOTU because she's the only one who hasn't been PM yet. Nat tells us she's nervous about managing Joan and Clint.
KOTU prepares
The team meets with the executives. Joan asks questions about the use of humor. Clint's main question is whether or not he gets a free membership. Joan bristles at his self-centeredness.
At the brainstorming session, Clint wants them to use a picture of a safe, with the slogan, "Are you safe?" Joan doesn't think that's funny and has an idea about a bodyguard. However, for the sake of keeping the peace, she doesn't want to make a big deal of it. Natalie wisely puts them on different portions of the task.
Herschel and Clint go to Brooklyn to meet with the designer. At the office, Joan shares her concerns with Natalie that Clint's packaging ideas won't appeal to women. Natalie agrees. Joan tells us that Natalie is naive, but at least she listens to people's ideas. Instead of just having the safe, they'll also have their celebrity faces peeping around the display.
They call Clint at the designers' workshop about the change in plans. Clint objects, but then stops talking when he sees Brande from the other team drifting around. Herschel misunderstands and gets upset that Clint hogs the phone and "runs off like a little girl" every time he disagrees. Joan assures him that the change will not affect the size of the existing design in any way. After he gets off the phone, Clint insists that Joan's wrong and has the designers change the dimensions accordingly.
Natalie is the exact opposite kind of leader that Clint was; she can't even decide which way the brochure should open and fold. Clint makes up some joke quotes to go with their faces for the display.
Now they're pretty much done except to go to Brooklyn and see the designers.
Athena prepares
The team meets with the executives. Annie seems to ask most of the questions. Melissa has some too. Who says very little? Brian, the project manager.
At the brainstorming session, they decide to build their idea around the image of the company's CEO, who is already the star of the company's existing ads. Jesse's already working on the design and takes Brande out with him to get a picture of a lock. Brande tells us that her strategy is to stay out of the way.
Back at the office, Melissa's working on the text and talks about her passion for punctuation. Annie's working on it too and is happy about the time management so far... and with that, she has apparently jinxed the team, not that it's her fault that Brian can't tell time.
It's 3:30. Annie asks Brian if "anyone" has called the designers yet. She points out that this wasn't her job and gives them a call. Indeed, the designers are twiddling their thumbs and say they need to have something by 4:00 if they want it done right. (Melissa is disgusted that Annie is "positioning herself" to not get fired. I think she should be kissing Annie's feet for finding out that they're almost out of time, since no one else seemed interested.)
Annie calls Jesse and Brande, who are still scoping out locks, and tells them to get to the designer in Brooklyn. In the van, Brande tells Jesse that the others rely on him a lot. He says it makes the day go by.
However, he then gets violently ill, and is sick for the rest of the task. He does his best to explain things to the designers in between bathroom visits. Brande, for her part, wanders around the workshop, poking at things, and making random comments to the designers while they work, such as "I'm really good at screwing nails in." I'm not sure the guys appreciate her inane chatter while they're trying to work.
At the office, the disk that's supposed to have some crucial graphics (pictures of the CEO) on it is blank. Jesse says he'll email them some artwork. Annie worries that time is running short. Brian does not. George Ross comes by to check things out and doesn't find their plan interesting or creative. Regarding Annie's worry about deadlines, Brian says that if they all panicked, nothing would get done.
Jesse's emails aren't getting through, perhaps because the attachments are too large. The printer closes at 8 whether they have their artwork or not. They all go to the designer in Brooklyn. Annie and Melissa are disgusted to see Brande (the one who observed that everyone leans on Jesse) loafing around and not doing anything while Jesse is so sick. Meanwhile, Jesse is still coming up with ideas to salvage the situation - they can take their artwork to a quick-print shop tomorrow, etc.
The presentations
The "vault" display comes out great, except that the graphic decals are too small (because Clint had insisted on changing the size of the display). Natalie calls the print shop and asks for a bigger one. They rush it out, and it's perfect. They have clever packaging, brochures, info, etc. Joan gives a polished but somewhat dry presentation with no jokes.
Athena's display is disappointing and cheesy-looking, but they don't have any ideas to fix it. It looks a little better when they add the packages, which hang directly on the display. Brian tries to nail the presentation with his charisma. Unlike Joan, he focuses on selling the display itself, rather than the product, to the executives.
The postmortem
Natalie says her team was great, and Joan and Clint got along just fine. Joan grudgingly admits she'd go to one of Clint's concerts, but only if he gave her the tickets. Clint says Nat was a good PM. Joan rates her as a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1 to 10; Trump wonders if Nat should be offended by that, but Nat thinks an 8 is pretty good coming from Joan.
Brian also says he had a good team. Melissa says Jesse was sick.
The client thought KOTU's display was great and original, making good use of the celebrities. Unfortunately, the packaging was too small to fit the product.
They liked Athena's presentation and display, but it wasn't much different from what the company had already done. It wasn't creative, but they liked that that the actual product could be placed directly on the display.
They liked KOTU's better overall, so Natalie's charity, Boys & Girls Clubs of America, gets $20,000.
Up in the suite, Joan tells her teammates that Brande will probably get fired, because Melissa and Annie don't think she's very good.
In the boardroom
Brian didn't think the company would want to do something different. George mentions the time problem. Annie says yes, she was worried about time, but Brian wasn't. Otherwise, Brian was an okay leader; however, when pressed, Annie says Brian was the weak link. (In the suite, Joan is furious that Annie didn't blame Brande instead.)
George inexplicably picks on Melissa for not focusing on messaging and originality, even though that wasn't her job. He gives her a hard time for doing some research during downtime while waiting for Annie to finish writing.
Brande and Jesse also blame Brian; obviously, they're protecting Brande in hopes that she'll be easier to beat later. Melissa is the only person who blames Brande. Brande replies, "I give 190%" and says she worked on the display case that the client liked. (Though obviously didn't like it enough. And "being in the same room" is not the same thing as "working.")
Annie says that Brande works hard, but doesn't stick her neck out, and that she plays to last rather than to win. Ivanka points out that Annie has also been playing to last rather than to win so far. Annie agrees that it's time for her to step up.
Brian says they lost because they didn't have a good idea. He picks Brande and Melissa for the boardroom.
In the suite, Joan has a fit, curses Annie, and throws a glass. She packs her bags and waits in the hallway so that she can be ready to leave with Melissa.
Meanwhile, Annie whispers to Brande not to worry; she doesn't think they'll fire her. Annie goes to the suite, where Joan confronts her. Annie says Melissa is totally safe, but Joan thinks Trump loves Brande. (It seems she's forgotten that there's a third person in that boardroom.)
Melissa blames Annie for the loss now, and is surprised Brian kept her in the boardroom. Brian says he had to bring "someone." Brande says that Brian doesn't want to be here. He admits that he's tired. Trump agrees, and fires him.
"I told you, Joan," Annie says smugly.
But wait, there's more - Trump calls them all back to the boardroom for another task! Alas, the new task isn't completed in this episode, so it'll have to wait until the next recap.
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is NOBODY. Annie and Jesse worked hard, but they didn't get good results. KOTU worked hard, but I didn't see that anyone in particular stood out. They all had both good and bad moments.
Brande was definitely the weakest link, and it's too bad she wasn't fired. She didn't do anything while Jesse was throwing up and being asked to re-send emails. But why fire her now when Brian's head is already on the block? It'll be easier to take Brande out later... or will it? And can either team afford to keep a dud around at this point in the game?
KOTU: Joan, Clint, and Herschel, led by Natalie
Athena: Jesse, Brande, Melissa, Annie, led by Brian
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and George Ross
Outcome: KOTU wins for having a more creative design.
Boardroom: Brian chooses Melissa and Brande for the boardroom.
Fired: Brian, for losing his drive.
Donation: $20,000 to Boys & Girls Clubs of America.
When Clint and Natalie return to the suite, Joan is disgusted that Clint wasn't fired. Clint and Melissa commiserate as project managers seeing teammates fired unfairly.
When they meet with Trump about the next task, some bad feelings are expressed, but he defends his decisions. For some reason, the words "grandstanding" and "ratings" aren't used.
The task is to design packaging and an in-store display for an ID theft service.
Even though neither Annie nor Jesse has been PM yet, Annie pushes Brian to be PM a second time and admits to us that she doesn't want to be PM on an advertising/marketing project because she'll be at the mercy of someone else's judgment, which she can't control. (She mentions later that money is also part of the reason; she wants a chance to raise more money for her charity.)
I don't know why Brian, who tells us he's still tired from his last gig, doesn't just say no and turn it back on Annie, but he accepts.
By contrast, Herschel pushes Natalie to lead KOTU because she's the only one who hasn't been PM yet. Nat tells us she's nervous about managing Joan and Clint.
KOTU prepares
The team meets with the executives. Joan asks questions about the use of humor. Clint's main question is whether or not he gets a free membership. Joan bristles at his self-centeredness.
At the brainstorming session, Clint wants them to use a picture of a safe, with the slogan, "Are you safe?" Joan doesn't think that's funny and has an idea about a bodyguard. However, for the sake of keeping the peace, she doesn't want to make a big deal of it. Natalie wisely puts them on different portions of the task.
Herschel and Clint go to Brooklyn to meet with the designer. At the office, Joan shares her concerns with Natalie that Clint's packaging ideas won't appeal to women. Natalie agrees. Joan tells us that Natalie is naive, but at least she listens to people's ideas. Instead of just having the safe, they'll also have their celebrity faces peeping around the display.
They call Clint at the designers' workshop about the change in plans. Clint objects, but then stops talking when he sees Brande from the other team drifting around. Herschel misunderstands and gets upset that Clint hogs the phone and "runs off like a little girl" every time he disagrees. Joan assures him that the change will not affect the size of the existing design in any way. After he gets off the phone, Clint insists that Joan's wrong and has the designers change the dimensions accordingly.
Natalie is the exact opposite kind of leader that Clint was; she can't even decide which way the brochure should open and fold. Clint makes up some joke quotes to go with their faces for the display.
Now they're pretty much done except to go to Brooklyn and see the designers.
Athena prepares
The team meets with the executives. Annie seems to ask most of the questions. Melissa has some too. Who says very little? Brian, the project manager.
At the brainstorming session, they decide to build their idea around the image of the company's CEO, who is already the star of the company's existing ads. Jesse's already working on the design and takes Brande out with him to get a picture of a lock. Brande tells us that her strategy is to stay out of the way.
Back at the office, Melissa's working on the text and talks about her passion for punctuation. Annie's working on it too and is happy about the time management so far... and with that, she has apparently jinxed the team, not that it's her fault that Brian can't tell time.
It's 3:30. Annie asks Brian if "anyone" has called the designers yet. She points out that this wasn't her job and gives them a call. Indeed, the designers are twiddling their thumbs and say they need to have something by 4:00 if they want it done right. (Melissa is disgusted that Annie is "positioning herself" to not get fired. I think she should be kissing Annie's feet for finding out that they're almost out of time, since no one else seemed interested.)
Annie calls Jesse and Brande, who are still scoping out locks, and tells them to get to the designer in Brooklyn. In the van, Brande tells Jesse that the others rely on him a lot. He says it makes the day go by.
However, he then gets violently ill, and is sick for the rest of the task. He does his best to explain things to the designers in between bathroom visits. Brande, for her part, wanders around the workshop, poking at things, and making random comments to the designers while they work, such as "I'm really good at screwing nails in." I'm not sure the guys appreciate her inane chatter while they're trying to work.
At the office, the disk that's supposed to have some crucial graphics (pictures of the CEO) on it is blank. Jesse says he'll email them some artwork. Annie worries that time is running short. Brian does not. George Ross comes by to check things out and doesn't find their plan interesting or creative. Regarding Annie's worry about deadlines, Brian says that if they all panicked, nothing would get done.
Jesse's emails aren't getting through, perhaps because the attachments are too large. The printer closes at 8 whether they have their artwork or not. They all go to the designer in Brooklyn. Annie and Melissa are disgusted to see Brande (the one who observed that everyone leans on Jesse) loafing around and not doing anything while Jesse is so sick. Meanwhile, Jesse is still coming up with ideas to salvage the situation - they can take their artwork to a quick-print shop tomorrow, etc.
The presentations
The "vault" display comes out great, except that the graphic decals are too small (because Clint had insisted on changing the size of the display). Natalie calls the print shop and asks for a bigger one. They rush it out, and it's perfect. They have clever packaging, brochures, info, etc. Joan gives a polished but somewhat dry presentation with no jokes.
Athena's display is disappointing and cheesy-looking, but they don't have any ideas to fix it. It looks a little better when they add the packages, which hang directly on the display. Brian tries to nail the presentation with his charisma. Unlike Joan, he focuses on selling the display itself, rather than the product, to the executives.
The postmortem
Natalie says her team was great, and Joan and Clint got along just fine. Joan grudgingly admits she'd go to one of Clint's concerts, but only if he gave her the tickets. Clint says Nat was a good PM. Joan rates her as a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1 to 10; Trump wonders if Nat should be offended by that, but Nat thinks an 8 is pretty good coming from Joan.
Brian also says he had a good team. Melissa says Jesse was sick.
The client thought KOTU's display was great and original, making good use of the celebrities. Unfortunately, the packaging was too small to fit the product.
They liked Athena's presentation and display, but it wasn't much different from what the company had already done. It wasn't creative, but they liked that that the actual product could be placed directly on the display.
They liked KOTU's better overall, so Natalie's charity, Boys & Girls Clubs of America, gets $20,000.
Up in the suite, Joan tells her teammates that Brande will probably get fired, because Melissa and Annie don't think she's very good.
In the boardroom
Brian didn't think the company would want to do something different. George mentions the time problem. Annie says yes, she was worried about time, but Brian wasn't. Otherwise, Brian was an okay leader; however, when pressed, Annie says Brian was the weak link. (In the suite, Joan is furious that Annie didn't blame Brande instead.)
George inexplicably picks on Melissa for not focusing on messaging and originality, even though that wasn't her job. He gives her a hard time for doing some research during downtime while waiting for Annie to finish writing.
Brande and Jesse also blame Brian; obviously, they're protecting Brande in hopes that she'll be easier to beat later. Melissa is the only person who blames Brande. Brande replies, "I give 190%" and says she worked on the display case that the client liked. (Though obviously didn't like it enough. And "being in the same room" is not the same thing as "working.")
Annie says that Brande works hard, but doesn't stick her neck out, and that she plays to last rather than to win. Ivanka points out that Annie has also been playing to last rather than to win so far. Annie agrees that it's time for her to step up.
Brian says they lost because they didn't have a good idea. He picks Brande and Melissa for the boardroom.
In the suite, Joan has a fit, curses Annie, and throws a glass. She packs her bags and waits in the hallway so that she can be ready to leave with Melissa.
Meanwhile, Annie whispers to Brande not to worry; she doesn't think they'll fire her. Annie goes to the suite, where Joan confronts her. Annie says Melissa is totally safe, but Joan thinks Trump loves Brande. (It seems she's forgotten that there's a third person in that boardroom.)
Melissa blames Annie for the loss now, and is surprised Brian kept her in the boardroom. Brian says he had to bring "someone." Brande says that Brian doesn't want to be here. He admits that he's tired. Trump agrees, and fires him.
"I told you, Joan," Annie says smugly.
But wait, there's more - Trump calls them all back to the boardroom for another task! Alas, the new task isn't completed in this episode, so it'll have to wait until the next recap.
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is NOBODY. Annie and Jesse worked hard, but they didn't get good results. KOTU worked hard, but I didn't see that anyone in particular stood out. They all had both good and bad moments.
Brande was definitely the weakest link, and it's too bad she wasn't fired. She didn't do anything while Jesse was throwing up and being asked to re-send emails. But why fire her now when Brian's head is already on the block? It'll be easier to take Brande out later... or will it? And can either team afford to keep a dud around at this point in the game?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
4/9/2009: Great Moments in "The Office" (double-header)
Pam: When one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer.
Jim: I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, halfheartedly.
Bikram: Confidence - it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.
Bikram: I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building.
Pam: I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
Michael: I do my best work when people don't believe in me... My math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out... the very next day, I went out and I scored more goals than anyone in the history of the hockey team.
Michael: We're gonna open a six-pack of whoop-ass.
Jim: She thinks that if she says "you wanted me?" enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.
Michael: We are in the heart of it, and the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Michael: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So I hired my best friends.
Ryan: I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No, I don't want an iPhone.
Michael: I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Michael: I once had a dream that I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich, and let me tell you, it was delicious.
Michael: Who would have thought that the thing that would save this company would be work and pancakes?
Jim: I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, halfheartedly.
Bikram: Confidence - it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.
Bikram: I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building.
Pam: I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle.
Michael: I do my best work when people don't believe in me... My math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out... the very next day, I went out and I scored more goals than anyone in the history of the hockey team.
Michael: We're gonna open a six-pack of whoop-ass.
Jim: She thinks that if she says "you wanted me?" enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worst plan she's ever had.
Michael: We are in the heart of it, and the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Michael: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So I hired my best friends.
Ryan: I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No, I don't want an iPhone.
Michael: I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Michael: I once had a dream that I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich, and let me tell you, it was delicious.
Michael: Who would have thought that the thing that would save this company would be work and pancakes?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 4/5/2009: A twofer
I'm switching to first names...
Task: Create a viral video to promote laundry detergent.
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, Joan, Natalie, Khloe. Clint is PM.
Athena: Jesse, Melissa, Annie, Tionne, Brande. Melissa is PM.
(Brian is away at a concert and will join one of the teams next week.)
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Donald Jr.
Outcome: The sponsor, who may not have watched a lot of viral videos beforehand, hates both teams' videos.
Boardroom: Clint chooses Natalie and Khloe. Tionne volunteers, and Melissa also chooses Brande.
Fired: Tionne, for volunteering for boardroom, and Khloe, for having a DUI several months before this task that Trump supposedly didn't know about.
Donation: Khloe's charity, the Brent Shapiro Foundation, gets an additional $20,000 from Trump to keep fighting the good fight.
The teams return to the suite and feel sorry for Dennis. Herschel hopes that KOTU will start winning. This team of four may be stronger than the original team of eight!
Next day, Tionne brings the check to her charity. She hopes she can win Celebrity Apprentice and bring them even more!
Trump informs the teams that Dennis is getting "some help." (A quick Google search says that he went to rehab last May shortly after a domestic battery arrest. Was this show taped that long ago, or was this some totally unpublicized help?)
Melissa tore some ligaments in her ankle last week. A two hour show and we didn't see this? Now she's in a walking cast.
Trump decides to reconfigure the teams. Bummer - I was wondering if KOTU could win as a four-man team. The new teams are as follows:
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, Joan, Natalie, Khloe.
Athena: Jesse, Melissa, Annie, Tionne, Brande.
Brian is away at a concert, and will join one of the teams next week.
Trump makes a big deal about separating Joan and Melissa. Melissa tells us she wants to prove herself as someone who can do things without her mother.
The task is to create a viral video to promote a laundry detergent. "Renowned blogger" Perez Hilton will be involved in some way. The videos will be judged on originality, buzzworthiness, and branding.
Annie suggests that Melissa be Athena's project manager due to her experience as a producer. "It doesn't speak to me, but I can make it work," Melissa agrees. Joan thinks Clint will be a good match against Melissa, and he's produced some music videos himself.
Athena make a video
Jesse has an idea about a video about a sloppy biker. Annie thinks bikers are overused in viral videos? Her alternative is a video where Jesse gets bathed by little people. (The laundry detergent is called "Small and Mighty.") Jesse refuses, but everyone else loves the idea. Melissa suggests that it could just be called that (to get people to watch the video). Annie is miffed that he doesn't like her idea and tells us he's a hindrance.
The team meets with the execs. In response to a question about demographics, the execs emphasize that the target audience is "women with children" rather than "moms." Melissa takes the hint that the women aren't "traditional" and that the video should be edgy. They try to find out how edgy they can afford to get, but the execs don't give any clues. They agree that a good title is important in getting someone to watch the video.
Back in the war room, Annie explains her research on viral videos (which she gets from Perez Hilton's site) and shows Jesse, the doubter, how popular little people are in these things. Melissa asks Jesse again if he'll do the video. Jesse's willing to do the video, but not with little people. He doesn't want to embarrass the sponsor.
Then he says, okay he'll do it if the little people's wetsuits look like the detergent bottle! He tell us he didn't want to let the team down.
Melissa sends Tionne and Annie out for props and costumes. Melissa says this was to get Annie out of Jesse's hair.
While KOTU is practically in a state of mutiny, Melissa, Jesse, and Brande enjoy the bliss of a stress-free collaboration. Don Jr. shows up and somehow manages to describe Jesse's good fortune of being added to the women's team without actually using the word "harem." Melissa and Jesse explain their concept; Jesse uses the word "midget." Junior is skeptical that women with children won't like a video featuring little people and worries that the execs will be offended if someone uses the word "midget." (I would have thought so too, but considering the execs thought "little person" meant "toddler," perhaps it's necessary to use the old term.) Junior doesn't respond enthusiastically, which makes Brande nervous.
The actors, Nic and Israel, show up. Junior asks them what they think. "It's better than being an Oompa-Loompa," Nic says. Israel eagerly anticipates snapping Jesse with a towel.
Annie calls, wanting to get more detergent bottles for their video, so that the bottles can do most of the branding, because if a video seems too much like a commercial, it won't be viral. Melissa doesn't want to hear this explanation and becomes irritable.
She complains to us that Annie keeps trying to make that same point; I wonder if, at any time, Melissa ever tried summarizing Annie's point to Annie. This would reassure Annie that she's been heard. Instead, Melissa basically hangs up on her, but Annie is satisfied that she got her point across.
Jesse bonds with Nic, Israel, and another actor. Tionne asks if it the correct term is really "little people," and if "midget" is offensive. Israel thinks "midget" is okay. I can't tell if Nic replies or not. He hates the suit that looks like a detergent bottle. He thinks it makes him look like an oompa-loompa or a Village People guy.
Annie is still worried about branding. Melissa tries to reassure her. They start shooting the video. We only see a little, but IT IS HILARIOUS.
While chaos continues to reign in KOTU, Jesse praises Melissa and their teammates. He's also respecting the women's opinions because women are the target audience. Even their discussion about bleeping some words is harmonious. (Most of them don't want to bleep because it won't be on TV; Brande isn't so sure, but the sponsor can always bleep it later.)
They title it "Jesse James Dirty With Midgets," which may or may not offend the execs, but Annie's research showed that having "midget" in the title will get them more hits. Melissa tells us that if they lose, it will be her fault, and she'll let her teammates decide who wants to go to the boardroom.
KOTU does a load
Joan's idea is to have lots of little people climbing out of a washing machine.
Herschel is off for a prior engagement. Great - KOTU's down a man yet again. Or are they? He gives them an idea over the phone: have the little people wash themselves in a bathtub with the detergent and hang themselves out to dry. Clint adds that "doing the wash" is a euphemism for sex, and they could show the guy in bed later telling his wife "it was a small load, I did it by hand." They all love the joke. It's also implied that the detergent will be used as a personal lubricant.
They run their ideas past the execs. There's an awkward silence after Joan asks about vulgar language. Apparently, the client sees this viral-video-watching consumer as potentially faint-of-heart, which is a somewhat different impression than Athena was left with. The execs don't give an opinion about using little people (at first they think they mean toddlers), but they do say that it's not meant for people to wash their bodies with. Dang! They stare blankly when Clint asks about sexual innuendo, but again don't give a judgment.
I wonder if these execs actually know what a viral video is. I mean, clearly they know it's a hot marketing strategy, but have they ever seen one?
Khloe fears that their idea is going to be too distasteful and they won't be able to do it. Natalie and Joan think so too. Joan suggests that they tape themselves arguing, Clint walks away, she spits in his food, he comes back and eats it, boom, viral video. It has to be outrageous and sophomoric. Two sexy women mud-wrestling. A drag queen.
Clint decides not to let the meeting with the execs scare him off the original idea. (I guess he doesn't remember a few seasons ago when one team did an ad for body wash that featured a chef sensuously washing a cucumber... pretty sure that team lost, though the other team's ad was awful too and the sponsor hated them both a lot.) Clint rejects Joan's idea because they're not "complete." (Hello, brainstorm one idea for like five minutes and see?) He doubts that a 25-yo woman would be offended by his video. Joan is frustrated because she thinks even if the consumer isn't offended, she might not be amused either, which is crucial to the spread of a viral video.
Joan gripes to Natalie and Khloe behind Clint's back. Joan's so upset she has a stomach ache. Khloe gives a wishy-washy reply that she's nervous about it but it's too late to change it and she has to support her boss. Natalie doesn't like the idea either. Joan urges them to speak up. She says she burned her bra so that women wouldn't have to cave in to bad ideas.
She tries to talk to him one last time. He walks out on her just as she's about to suggest something. Heh, I felt sorry for him when McKnight shut him out of the videophone concert, but he shut out Tom Green once when he wasn't even PM and he's shutting his whole team out now.
Daniel, the actor, arrives. I'm not sure if he's actually been briefed on the joke, and he needs a lot of direction with his lines. Khloe and Natalie wonder if they're going to have to mud-wrestle after all. Instead, Clint sends Daniel home without arranging for a new actor. Joan gripes behind his back some more.
Now Clint is going to do the role. This means their video will just be a lame laundry joke with no "little" connection whatsoever. Joan, Natalie, and Khloe shudder as he repeats his line, "hey sweetie, wanna do some dirty laundry tonight?" monotonously, as if it's going to sound better if he says it the same way a hundred times instead of just once. Clint ignores the team's pleas to explain what's going on.
Joan insists. Clint talks to her like she's a baby and tries to brush her off. She stands up and demands that he speak to them. He says he'll "explain" in a minute. She says don't explain, discuss. She just wants to know what the team is supposed to be doing. He whines to us that she's being insubordinate. And he wants one of them to put on lingerie and be the "wife" for the commercial!
No, fortunately there's a model. There's nothing for the women to do at all. Joan wants to knock his hat off. Natalie is bored. Khloe is confused. She worries that any of them could be fired.
Herschel comes back and Khloe tells him what's going on. He doesn't get the "small load" joke right away. Ivanka checks in and isn't impressed with the idea either; she gets the joke but thinks it will offend and won't even work without the little person. She wonders why Joan, the comedian, was not included. Khloe can't wait to hear this story told in the boardroom.
Joan predicts that they'll go to Editing and do nothing there too, but she's wrong... but we're not there yet.
Clint shuts Herschel out too and goes to shoot the rest of the commercial. He delivers the punchline in an even sorrier monotone than before. Herschel is mystified, especially because Clint's in bed and there's a box of tissues next to him, which goes well with the masturbation joke, but he's reading Trump's book, which... okay, actually that is a little funny, but nobody's going to be able to see that in their little YouTube window. Also, he's fully clothed, not even in pajamas. At least he took his hat off.
Joan's mood doesn't get any better. As they go to the studio to edit, Herschel suggests little pop-up captions to enhance the joke. Clint shrugs noncommittally. At the studio, he LOCKS THEM OUT so that he can work without them. He confides to the editor that he's not happy with what they have. He hopes that the women are pleased to have been left out. Outside, Joan jokes with the rest of the team that captions would be a great idea... captions from each of them disavowing the video!
Eventually he finishes and calls in the rest of the team for their opinions. (What good is their "input" going to be now?) Herschel again recommends pop-up captions, because the video makes no sense. Clint's not interested. Joan says it's slick but it's not funny. Khloe finds it cheesy.
They still have 90 minutes. Joan proposes that she do the pop-ups and then let Clint decide. Natalie is laughing. Clint tells us he'll have to take Joan to the boardroom if they lose. She says she doesn't ever want to see him again after this task.
Judgment
KOTU's finished video has pop-ups. These are a huge improvement, which is to say that the video now sucks only a little, still falling far short of "so bad it's good" territory. The execs force a laugh.
Athena's video starts out funny but then ends on a bizarre note, with one of the little people throwing down the detergent container and cursing. Bizarre=viral, baby!
The execs turn it over to famed blogger Perez Hilton, who finds KOTU's video disappointing and unbuzzworthy and not funny. He didn't even want to finish watching it. On the other hand, he laughed all the way through Athena's video.
One of the execs asks about demographic appeal. Perez says it appeals to him as a gay man, and he thinks young straight men would like it too, but maybe not women with children.
The exec is unhappy about this, but you know what? MEN DO LAUNDRY TOO. And they probably want their laundry setup to be as compact an unobtrusive as possible. Just a thought.
As Junior predicted, the execs don't like the word "midget" or the surprising ending with the foul language, but they are happy with the branding. In KOTU's video, they don't like the cheating husband, but they like the pop-ups and the "relaxing" music. (I'm now convinced these people don't understand viral videos. Videos don't get forwarded for their "relaxing" music.)
The postmortem
Clint admits to being worried. Joan is ashamed of the video but offered to help and was rebuffed. "Nobody even used the product for a happy ending," she adds, which she may or may not have meant the way it sounds, and Junior smirks. She never wants to see Clint again and will throw out all his CDs.
Natalie explains that after meeting with the execs, they all thought they'd start over. Junior thinks maybe they shouldn't have considered this joke in the first place, considering the audience.
Herschel says it was silly and he wouldn't send this video to anyone.
Ivanka asks if it was ever too late to do something else. Clint's answer is basically that he wanted to do it his way. Joan is still upset. She explains that it's important to her that things are the best they can be. Melissa is offended by the way Clint is talking. Trump is amused and jokingly fires Joan. Trump teases Melissa about being obnoxious. She claims that she is merely sarcastic, and maybe Clint shouldn't have tried to tell Joan Rivers what is and is not funny.
Trump plays KOTU's video first. The Athena folks look confused, especially when it ends just like an ordinary TV commercial that would be FF'ed through. With prejudice. And the wife in the video doesn't look she's ever had a child, so she's not going to appeal to the demographic.
On the other hand, Natalie laughs out loud throughout Athena's video, and the rest of KOTU likes it too. Joan thinks women will forward it because of Jesse.
Trump asks Jesse how he felt about working with all these women. Jesse says he loved it. As for the weird ending, they all agreed about it (I doubt that Brande did) and it's the difference between "bad commercial" and "viral video." Melissa also defends the use of "midget" because it is among the top five search words for videos.
Trump says the client hated both videos. Everybody loses. He's going to fire one person from each team.
Melissa says that no one else on her team deserves to go to the boardroom, so she asked for volunteers, and Tionne volunteered. Melissa then randomly (maybe not so randomly) chooses Brande to accompany her as well.
Clint chooses Khloe and Natalie, but reassures them in the lobby that he won't let them be fired.
In the boardroom
Athena: Melissa reiterates that Tionne and Brande did nothing wrong. Tionne and Brande say she was a great manager, and that there was no arguing. Melissa points out that Perez liked their video.
But Trump is thinking about something else: Bradford, from several seasons ago, who once volunteered to go to the boardroom, assuming that there was no reason Trump would fire him. Trump fired him because he hates it when people put themselves at unnecessary risk. Now Tionne is fired too. "Never volunteer for execution," he says. Melissa wants to talk some more about this, but Trump explains that if Tionne hadn't volunteered, Melissa would have been fired.
Melissa, Brande, and Tionne leave. Tionne tells us she believes in taking chances.
KOTU: Natalie points out that Clint fought Joan for two full days but didn't bring her into the boardroom. Clint claims full responsibility for their loss.
Trump asks Clint if he'd like to go home now so that he can continue selling records. Clint says no.
Trump asks Natalie if she'd like to leave now and participate in some big golf tournament in Asia. Natalie says no, she made a commitment to do this show.
Trump says that the reason Khloe missed part of last week's task is because she had to take some classes as part of a DUI sentence. He didn't know that she had a DUI. Trump hates drunk drivers. They talk about her charity, the Brent Shapiro Foundation, which fights drug and alcohol dependence. He's going to give them another $20,000, but Khloe is fired.
In the taxi, Khloe says this isn't the way she wants people to remember her.
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is Melissa Rivers. Apparently, Annie is as annoying to Melissa as Melissa was to Claudia. The big difference is that Melissa didn't scream at her, insult her, make fun of her personal appearance, or mock her to her teammates behind her back. This may be the first time I've seen a personality conflict handled properly this season.
Task: Create a viral video to promote laundry detergent.
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, Joan, Natalie, Khloe. Clint is PM.
Athena: Jesse, Melissa, Annie, Tionne, Brande. Melissa is PM.
(Brian is away at a concert and will join one of the teams next week.)
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Donald Jr.
Outcome: The sponsor, who may not have watched a lot of viral videos beforehand, hates both teams' videos.
Boardroom: Clint chooses Natalie and Khloe. Tionne volunteers, and Melissa also chooses Brande.
Fired: Tionne, for volunteering for boardroom, and Khloe, for having a DUI several months before this task that Trump supposedly didn't know about.
Donation: Khloe's charity, the Brent Shapiro Foundation, gets an additional $20,000 from Trump to keep fighting the good fight.
The teams return to the suite and feel sorry for Dennis. Herschel hopes that KOTU will start winning. This team of four may be stronger than the original team of eight!
Next day, Tionne brings the check to her charity. She hopes she can win Celebrity Apprentice and bring them even more!
Trump informs the teams that Dennis is getting "some help." (A quick Google search says that he went to rehab last May shortly after a domestic battery arrest. Was this show taped that long ago, or was this some totally unpublicized help?)
Melissa tore some ligaments in her ankle last week. A two hour show and we didn't see this? Now she's in a walking cast.
Trump decides to reconfigure the teams. Bummer - I was wondering if KOTU could win as a four-man team. The new teams are as follows:
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, Joan, Natalie, Khloe.
Athena: Jesse, Melissa, Annie, Tionne, Brande.
Brian is away at a concert, and will join one of the teams next week.
Trump makes a big deal about separating Joan and Melissa. Melissa tells us she wants to prove herself as someone who can do things without her mother.
The task is to create a viral video to promote a laundry detergent. "Renowned blogger" Perez Hilton will be involved in some way. The videos will be judged on originality, buzzworthiness, and branding.
Annie suggests that Melissa be Athena's project manager due to her experience as a producer. "It doesn't speak to me, but I can make it work," Melissa agrees. Joan thinks Clint will be a good match against Melissa, and he's produced some music videos himself.
Athena make a video
Jesse has an idea about a video about a sloppy biker. Annie thinks bikers are overused in viral videos? Her alternative is a video where Jesse gets bathed by little people. (The laundry detergent is called "Small and Mighty.") Jesse refuses, but everyone else loves the idea. Melissa suggests that it could just be called that (to get people to watch the video). Annie is miffed that he doesn't like her idea and tells us he's a hindrance.
The team meets with the execs. In response to a question about demographics, the execs emphasize that the target audience is "women with children" rather than "moms." Melissa takes the hint that the women aren't "traditional" and that the video should be edgy. They try to find out how edgy they can afford to get, but the execs don't give any clues. They agree that a good title is important in getting someone to watch the video.
Back in the war room, Annie explains her research on viral videos (which she gets from Perez Hilton's site) and shows Jesse, the doubter, how popular little people are in these things. Melissa asks Jesse again if he'll do the video. Jesse's willing to do the video, but not with little people. He doesn't want to embarrass the sponsor.
Then he says, okay he'll do it if the little people's wetsuits look like the detergent bottle! He tell us he didn't want to let the team down.
Melissa sends Tionne and Annie out for props and costumes. Melissa says this was to get Annie out of Jesse's hair.
While KOTU is practically in a state of mutiny, Melissa, Jesse, and Brande enjoy the bliss of a stress-free collaboration. Don Jr. shows up and somehow manages to describe Jesse's good fortune of being added to the women's team without actually using the word "harem." Melissa and Jesse explain their concept; Jesse uses the word "midget." Junior is skeptical that women with children won't like a video featuring little people and worries that the execs will be offended if someone uses the word "midget." (I would have thought so too, but considering the execs thought "little person" meant "toddler," perhaps it's necessary to use the old term.) Junior doesn't respond enthusiastically, which makes Brande nervous.
The actors, Nic and Israel, show up. Junior asks them what they think. "It's better than being an Oompa-Loompa," Nic says. Israel eagerly anticipates snapping Jesse with a towel.
Annie calls, wanting to get more detergent bottles for their video, so that the bottles can do most of the branding, because if a video seems too much like a commercial, it won't be viral. Melissa doesn't want to hear this explanation and becomes irritable.
She complains to us that Annie keeps trying to make that same point; I wonder if, at any time, Melissa ever tried summarizing Annie's point to Annie. This would reassure Annie that she's been heard. Instead, Melissa basically hangs up on her, but Annie is satisfied that she got her point across.
Jesse bonds with Nic, Israel, and another actor. Tionne asks if it the correct term is really "little people," and if "midget" is offensive. Israel thinks "midget" is okay. I can't tell if Nic replies or not. He hates the suit that looks like a detergent bottle. He thinks it makes him look like an oompa-loompa or a Village People guy.
Annie is still worried about branding. Melissa tries to reassure her. They start shooting the video. We only see a little, but IT IS HILARIOUS.
While chaos continues to reign in KOTU, Jesse praises Melissa and their teammates. He's also respecting the women's opinions because women are the target audience. Even their discussion about bleeping some words is harmonious. (Most of them don't want to bleep because it won't be on TV; Brande isn't so sure, but the sponsor can always bleep it later.)
They title it "Jesse James Dirty With Midgets," which may or may not offend the execs, but Annie's research showed that having "midget" in the title will get them more hits. Melissa tells us that if they lose, it will be her fault, and she'll let her teammates decide who wants to go to the boardroom.
KOTU does a load
Joan's idea is to have lots of little people climbing out of a washing machine.
Herschel is off for a prior engagement. Great - KOTU's down a man yet again. Or are they? He gives them an idea over the phone: have the little people wash themselves in a bathtub with the detergent and hang themselves out to dry. Clint adds that "doing the wash" is a euphemism for sex, and they could show the guy in bed later telling his wife "it was a small load, I did it by hand." They all love the joke. It's also implied that the detergent will be used as a personal lubricant.
They run their ideas past the execs. There's an awkward silence after Joan asks about vulgar language. Apparently, the client sees this viral-video-watching consumer as potentially faint-of-heart, which is a somewhat different impression than Athena was left with. The execs don't give an opinion about using little people (at first they think they mean toddlers), but they do say that it's not meant for people to wash their bodies with. Dang! They stare blankly when Clint asks about sexual innuendo, but again don't give a judgment.
I wonder if these execs actually know what a viral video is. I mean, clearly they know it's a hot marketing strategy, but have they ever seen one?
Khloe fears that their idea is going to be too distasteful and they won't be able to do it. Natalie and Joan think so too. Joan suggests that they tape themselves arguing, Clint walks away, she spits in his food, he comes back and eats it, boom, viral video. It has to be outrageous and sophomoric. Two sexy women mud-wrestling. A drag queen.
Clint decides not to let the meeting with the execs scare him off the original idea. (I guess he doesn't remember a few seasons ago when one team did an ad for body wash that featured a chef sensuously washing a cucumber... pretty sure that team lost, though the other team's ad was awful too and the sponsor hated them both a lot.) Clint rejects Joan's idea because they're not "complete." (Hello, brainstorm one idea for like five minutes and see?) He doubts that a 25-yo woman would be offended by his video. Joan is frustrated because she thinks even if the consumer isn't offended, she might not be amused either, which is crucial to the spread of a viral video.
Joan gripes to Natalie and Khloe behind Clint's back. Joan's so upset she has a stomach ache. Khloe gives a wishy-washy reply that she's nervous about it but it's too late to change it and she has to support her boss. Natalie doesn't like the idea either. Joan urges them to speak up. She says she burned her bra so that women wouldn't have to cave in to bad ideas.
She tries to talk to him one last time. He walks out on her just as she's about to suggest something. Heh, I felt sorry for him when McKnight shut him out of the videophone concert, but he shut out Tom Green once when he wasn't even PM and he's shutting his whole team out now.
Daniel, the actor, arrives. I'm not sure if he's actually been briefed on the joke, and he needs a lot of direction with his lines. Khloe and Natalie wonder if they're going to have to mud-wrestle after all. Instead, Clint sends Daniel home without arranging for a new actor. Joan gripes behind his back some more.
Now Clint is going to do the role. This means their video will just be a lame laundry joke with no "little" connection whatsoever. Joan, Natalie, and Khloe shudder as he repeats his line, "hey sweetie, wanna do some dirty laundry tonight?" monotonously, as if it's going to sound better if he says it the same way a hundred times instead of just once. Clint ignores the team's pleas to explain what's going on.
Joan insists. Clint talks to her like she's a baby and tries to brush her off. She stands up and demands that he speak to them. He says he'll "explain" in a minute. She says don't explain, discuss. She just wants to know what the team is supposed to be doing. He whines to us that she's being insubordinate. And he wants one of them to put on lingerie and be the "wife" for the commercial!
No, fortunately there's a model. There's nothing for the women to do at all. Joan wants to knock his hat off. Natalie is bored. Khloe is confused. She worries that any of them could be fired.
Herschel comes back and Khloe tells him what's going on. He doesn't get the "small load" joke right away. Ivanka checks in and isn't impressed with the idea either; she gets the joke but thinks it will offend and won't even work without the little person. She wonders why Joan, the comedian, was not included. Khloe can't wait to hear this story told in the boardroom.
Joan predicts that they'll go to Editing and do nothing there too, but she's wrong... but we're not there yet.
Clint shuts Herschel out too and goes to shoot the rest of the commercial. He delivers the punchline in an even sorrier monotone than before. Herschel is mystified, especially because Clint's in bed and there's a box of tissues next to him, which goes well with the masturbation joke, but he's reading Trump's book, which... okay, actually that is a little funny, but nobody's going to be able to see that in their little YouTube window. Also, he's fully clothed, not even in pajamas. At least he took his hat off.
Joan's mood doesn't get any better. As they go to the studio to edit, Herschel suggests little pop-up captions to enhance the joke. Clint shrugs noncommittally. At the studio, he LOCKS THEM OUT so that he can work without them. He confides to the editor that he's not happy with what they have. He hopes that the women are pleased to have been left out. Outside, Joan jokes with the rest of the team that captions would be a great idea... captions from each of them disavowing the video!
Eventually he finishes and calls in the rest of the team for their opinions. (What good is their "input" going to be now?) Herschel again recommends pop-up captions, because the video makes no sense. Clint's not interested. Joan says it's slick but it's not funny. Khloe finds it cheesy.
They still have 90 minutes. Joan proposes that she do the pop-ups and then let Clint decide. Natalie is laughing. Clint tells us he'll have to take Joan to the boardroom if they lose. She says she doesn't ever want to see him again after this task.
Judgment
KOTU's finished video has pop-ups. These are a huge improvement, which is to say that the video now sucks only a little, still falling far short of "so bad it's good" territory. The execs force a laugh.
Athena's video starts out funny but then ends on a bizarre note, with one of the little people throwing down the detergent container and cursing. Bizarre=viral, baby!
The execs turn it over to famed blogger Perez Hilton, who finds KOTU's video disappointing and unbuzzworthy and not funny. He didn't even want to finish watching it. On the other hand, he laughed all the way through Athena's video.
One of the execs asks about demographic appeal. Perez says it appeals to him as a gay man, and he thinks young straight men would like it too, but maybe not women with children.
The exec is unhappy about this, but you know what? MEN DO LAUNDRY TOO. And they probably want their laundry setup to be as compact an unobtrusive as possible. Just a thought.
As Junior predicted, the execs don't like the word "midget" or the surprising ending with the foul language, but they are happy with the branding. In KOTU's video, they don't like the cheating husband, but they like the pop-ups and the "relaxing" music. (I'm now convinced these people don't understand viral videos. Videos don't get forwarded for their "relaxing" music.)
The postmortem
Clint admits to being worried. Joan is ashamed of the video but offered to help and was rebuffed. "Nobody even used the product for a happy ending," she adds, which she may or may not have meant the way it sounds, and Junior smirks. She never wants to see Clint again and will throw out all his CDs.
Natalie explains that after meeting with the execs, they all thought they'd start over. Junior thinks maybe they shouldn't have considered this joke in the first place, considering the audience.
Herschel says it was silly and he wouldn't send this video to anyone.
Ivanka asks if it was ever too late to do something else. Clint's answer is basically that he wanted to do it his way. Joan is still upset. She explains that it's important to her that things are the best they can be. Melissa is offended by the way Clint is talking. Trump is amused and jokingly fires Joan. Trump teases Melissa about being obnoxious. She claims that she is merely sarcastic, and maybe Clint shouldn't have tried to tell Joan Rivers what is and is not funny.
Trump plays KOTU's video first. The Athena folks look confused, especially when it ends just like an ordinary TV commercial that would be FF'ed through. With prejudice. And the wife in the video doesn't look she's ever had a child, so she's not going to appeal to the demographic.
On the other hand, Natalie laughs out loud throughout Athena's video, and the rest of KOTU likes it too. Joan thinks women will forward it because of Jesse.
Trump asks Jesse how he felt about working with all these women. Jesse says he loved it. As for the weird ending, they all agreed about it (I doubt that Brande did) and it's the difference between "bad commercial" and "viral video." Melissa also defends the use of "midget" because it is among the top five search words for videos.
Trump says the client hated both videos. Everybody loses. He's going to fire one person from each team.
Melissa says that no one else on her team deserves to go to the boardroom, so she asked for volunteers, and Tionne volunteered. Melissa then randomly (maybe not so randomly) chooses Brande to accompany her as well.
Clint chooses Khloe and Natalie, but reassures them in the lobby that he won't let them be fired.
In the boardroom
Athena: Melissa reiterates that Tionne and Brande did nothing wrong. Tionne and Brande say she was a great manager, and that there was no arguing. Melissa points out that Perez liked their video.
But Trump is thinking about something else: Bradford, from several seasons ago, who once volunteered to go to the boardroom, assuming that there was no reason Trump would fire him. Trump fired him because he hates it when people put themselves at unnecessary risk. Now Tionne is fired too. "Never volunteer for execution," he says. Melissa wants to talk some more about this, but Trump explains that if Tionne hadn't volunteered, Melissa would have been fired.
Melissa, Brande, and Tionne leave. Tionne tells us she believes in taking chances.
KOTU: Natalie points out that Clint fought Joan for two full days but didn't bring her into the boardroom. Clint claims full responsibility for their loss.
Trump asks Clint if he'd like to go home now so that he can continue selling records. Clint says no.
Trump asks Natalie if she'd like to leave now and participate in some big golf tournament in Asia. Natalie says no, she made a commitment to do this show.
Trump says that the reason Khloe missed part of last week's task is because she had to take some classes as part of a DUI sentence. He didn't know that she had a DUI. Trump hates drunk drivers. They talk about her charity, the Brent Shapiro Foundation, which fights drug and alcohol dependence. He's going to give them another $20,000, but Khloe is fired.
In the taxi, Khloe says this isn't the way she wants people to remember her.
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is Melissa Rivers. Apparently, Annie is as annoying to Melissa as Melissa was to Claudia. The big difference is that Melissa didn't scream at her, insult her, make fun of her personal appearance, or mock her to her teammates behind her back. This may be the first time I've seen a personality conflict handled properly this season.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 3/29/2009: Unhappy Hour
Task: Get the highest customer service rating managing five rooms of a luxury hotel.
KOTU: Rodman, by popular demand.
Athena: Watkins, by popular demand.
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka Trump and Jon Tisch (chairman/CEO of Loew's Hotels).
Outcome: KOTU gets a score of 86; Athena gets a score of 91. Athena wins.
Fired: Rodman, for being a big disappointment (drinking and taking off). His charity, Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) New Orleans which teaches volunteers to advocate for local foster children, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 to Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia, which provides education, screening, and counseling to sickle cell patients.
The women wait in the suite, feeling nervous for Melissa. Melissa and Kardashian come back without Jordan. Melissa says it got personal.
Next day, McKnight meets with the people from his charity. They play it cool when they see the big check, but are obviously pleased.
Duke predicts that her team will be "more cohesive" without Jordan.
Trump meets with the team and explains the task: each team is going to manage five suites in a luxury hotel. Whoever gets the highest ratings from the guests will win. CEO Jon Tisch advises the teams that this will be all about good service.
Athena encourages Watkins to be Project Manager; I'm pretty sure that wasn't her idea and I'm not sure why they pick her instead of one of them volunteering, but they all say she's a good contributor. Maybe it's just that people are less eager to be PM when the prize will be "only" $20,000.
Likewise, Black nominates Rodman, and the whole team agrees. Black tells us that it's their way of showing Rodman that he has their support. I'm thinking it's also high time they got rid of him. Duke is thinking similar, and predicts disaster when Rodman interacts with customers.
Athena prepares
The team gets a half-hour crash course in typical hotel duties (employee training there is normally two weeks). They're told that it usually takes about 20 minutes to clean a room. Kardashian isn't there today because of a prior commitment.
The women pay attention as Watkins gives them their assignments. Joan will be the concierge, because she knows New York. There's no arguing or chaos. They all go up to clean the rooms.
Roderick is amused to be wearing a maid's uniform that isn't a "French maid" costume. Melissa tells us it's not fair that she has to clean the dirtiest room. (I'd like to know who she thinks it would be more fair to ask. Boy, did it. That's another reason I'm glad Jordan was fired - it takes a lot to make me feel sorry for Melissa Rivers, but Jordan did it effortlessly.) Duke helps her with the room. Duke says now that she knows what this is like, she'll leave a $100 tip next time she's in a hotel.
There are stains on the carpet that they can't get out. Melissa decides to just leave them. (I wonder if they could have asked the housekeeping manager's advice?)
They decide to provide gift baskets for the guests. Gulbis pumps her sponsors for stuff to make up elaborate gift baskets.
KOTU prepares
Black predicts that Rodman will be a better leader than follower. It starts out promisingly enough. Rodman wants to impress their guests by filling the lobby with drivers and bodyguards. McKnight is thinking more like fruit or cookies.
Rodman assigns roles. McKnight tells us that Rodman isn't giving real instructions, but Rodman tells him to be concierge, which seems like a clear enough assignment to me. Black expresses concern about Rodman's potty mouth, but Rodman assures him that he can deal with customers without the F-bombs.
McKnight becomes annoyingly bossy, but Rodman takes his idea about snack foods and runs with it. He, Black, and McKnight go to a deli together for some special food to put in the guests' rooms. (Why it takes three men to run this simple errand, I do not know.) But first, Rodman gets a drink.
Meanwhile, James and Walker clean the rooms. Remember how Athena was told it should take about 20 minutes per room? It takes a lot longer for beginners... especially when there are two of them and five suites. But I don't hear them complain about unfairness.
On the way back from the deli, Rodman decides they need to get a couple of Ferraris to park in front of the hotel too. This will impress the guests! McKnight disagrees. Rodman says that he's an expert in marketing and advertising, and McKnight doesn't know anything. McKnight points out that this task is about service and not advertising. This just makes Rodman angrier, and he says "let Brian do everything."
Later, McKnight helps Rodman with his tie. He carefully lays out the cookies on plates to bring up to the rooms. (Yes, apparently the entire haul that the three men brought back from the deli was a box of cookies.) When Walker's done, Rodman dumps the all the cookies back into the box and takes them down to the kitchen for the chef to decorate and make up some platters. McKnight is miffed because they're running very late.
Athena: Check-in and evening
The hotel owner checks on Athena during a fairly smooth check-in process. Joan asks the guests what they want to do this evening. Duke feels awkward as she shows the first guests up to their room
Athena has a celebrity guest, Stephen Baldwin. Upon reaching his room, Baldwin calls Joan to complain about the view. There's a silly little grin on his face to let us know that he's putting on an act. Joan is very professional, and tells him that it's a private, quiet room instead instead of one with a view of a noisy street.
Joan loves being concierge. Someone asks about peep shows. She cheerfully calls someone else and finds out where the peep shows are.
Another group of guests start a party in their room right away. Gulbis brings up their room service order, and they immediately ask her for more things. Some silverware and other items fall off of her cart. She leaves them on the floor when she takes the cart away.
It's only 4 or 5 in the afternoon when they start offering turndown service.
The partying guests are constantly ordering small items, one at a time, instead of placing one large order. They decide that they lie Duke better than Gulbis and begin asking specifically for her.
Baldwin comes back from his outing and scolds Joan because she didn't tell him how expensive the cover charge for his entertainment would be. (There's a funny look on his face again; he's over-acting.) Joan blames herself for not telling him and offers to take care of the problem.
KOTU: Check-in and evening
KOTU's first guest arrives, and his room isn't ready yet. Black is worried and starts making excuses. Rodman intervenes and smooths things over, offering the man a drink. He makes small talk about strip joints in the man's hometown.
The guest wants tickets for Billy Elliot. Rodman doesn't know what Billy Elliot is. He thinks it's a musical act. Likewise, the guest doesn't understand Rodman's accent.
Most of the guests want tickets to Broadway shows, or hard-to-get dinner reservations at exclusive restaurants. Someone not only wants tickets to Equus, but wants to sit on the stage.
Vincent Pastore arrives. He doesn't make his requests with a dumb grin, but his list of requirements is so hilariously long that you have to laugh. Unless you're Dennis Rodman. He wonders if he'll be asked to catch Pastore's turds as well,
After waiting for a long while, one of the guests is upset that the chardonnay he ordered still hasn't arrived, and he doesn't have his dinner reservations yet either.
Ivanka checks up on Rodman. She asks him if he's finding it easier to respect his teammates now. He gives an incoherent but cheerful reply. She can tell he's been drinking
The guest is still waiting for his chardonnay. Like Duke earlier, McKnight says he has a newfound respect for hotel workers.
Walker finally gets the wine to the guest, 75 minutes late. Unfortunately, it's champagne. The guest really wants his Acacia chardonnay. Walker goes back downstairs to tell Rodman about the problem. There's a goofy misunderstanding of "Acacia Chardonnay" vs. "a case of chardonnay." Rodman checks another ice bucket, and there's the exact thing the guy ordered. Walker just delivered the wrong bucket.
Rodman takes the chardonnay up personally with apologies, and offers to take a suit down to be pressed. He brings the suit back up and further soothes the guests' frazzled nerves by personally accompanying them to an exclusive restaurant.
It would have been nice if he'd told his teammates about this - but James says he wasn't helping anyway.
By using their celebrity superpowers, KOTU manages to get all of the show tickets the guests requested. All of the restaurant reservations too, except for Pastore's (he's angry, or pretends to be... I bet he could have gotten that reservation on his own). James worries that they'll win, and then Rodman won't be fired.
Rodman finally comes back, drunker than ever. He's rude and vulgar and loud to Black in front of the guests.
McKnight asks Rodman about the cookies, Rodman goes to the kitchen and asks for "a little vodka cranberry out the ass." (He's already forgotten the drink he set down a moment earlier.) He comes back to the lobby with the cookies. "Cookies out the ass!" he announces. Then he takes off down the hallway in a snit, removing his shirt en route.
Morning
Kardashian's back, but she wasn't around for the half-hour of training. How will she hold up?
Athena's keeping busy with breakfast orders for room service. Melissa realizes that offering free breakfast means more work for them. (Well, it might mean more customer satisfaction, too...)
KOTU, meanwhile, is bored. James thinks it's just that their guests are so content. Black and Walker joke about the women's uniforms.
Rodman shows up out of uniform. He's grouchy, but stays out of their way. Black tries to cajole him. James says he's disappointing his fans.
One of the breakfast orders is too early. Kardashian takes it up anyway. She knocks on a door. The guest comes to a different door (in the same suite, I assume) and explains that it's 40 minutes early. Kardashian says sheI'll bring it back later (that's just what the guest wants to hear, that she'll be getting a 40-minute-old breakfast in a little while). Kardashian tells us that doing room service "kind of isn't my thing." She's used to getting it, not giving it.
Well, thanks for sharing that with us. Did last year's celebrity apprentices complain as much as Melissa Rivers and Khloe Kardashian about having to do actual labor? I don't recall that they did, but maybe I'm just forgetting.
Another guest is upset because Rivers didn't warn her that there were extra charges for having manicure services in her room.
The customers fill out their satisfaction surveys. KOTU's guests say they were disorganized; Black and McKnight were polite; Rodman was evil and "funky." The chardonnay guests say the service was "different," and that they got great service at dinner since Rodman was with them.
Athena's guests say that Athena was "too eager" and offered to turn down their beds in the afternoon. The guys who partied and ordered room service all evening say there were stains on the floor and trash in the trash can. Another guest says breakfast arrived too early, and there were unexpected charges.
Duke worries that KOTU's guests were charmed by Rodman.
McKnight hopes KOTU loses, and Rodman is fired.
The postmortem
Athena has a mutual admiration society between Watkins and the group. Melissa takes credit for nominating Watkins as project manager. There are negative customer comments about high charges, and someone else complained about bad service from Gulbis. The whole team agrees that that particular room was difficult.
KOTU's feedback says that the concierge was absolutely fabulous and most of the team was good, but there were delays.
Trump says the celebrity guests didn't fill out guest cards.
Rodman thinks they didn't win. He blames the team. James says the problem was Rodman's drinking. So does McKnight. The women agree - Joan says he was interfering with her work at one point.
Black says Rodman was good at first. Then he took off to party. Rodman claims his team didn't do what he said, and he did all the work. And yes he did disappear, but he did the best job in those four hours when he was there.
James says it was funny at first, but then it turned mean. Rodman went off on Black multiple times and was loud around the guests.
Walker agrees that there's a drinking problem. Rodman defends himself by saying James had a drinking problem too. James says yes he did - nine years ago.
James says, "look at the contrast" between these two athletes, Walker and Rodman. You already know that Walker is great, but then you meet him and he's even better. The opposite is true with Rodman. People expect more, and they are disappointed. Rodman offers to leave right now. He says his teammates don't defend him. James says he'll help him work, but he can only do so much.
Ivanka points out that they've been saying that he did a good job until the drinking interfered. James says he took four drinks away from Rodman. Rodman thinks it was more like 15. I think it's more like Rodman lost track of 15 drinks.
Black says he doesn't want Rodman to leave despite all of the eruptions and disruption. He supported Rodman because he wanted the team to win.
Rodman says he won five championships. Phil Jackson said he was better than Michael Jordan. Walker says, "That's the past." Trump wonders if he should fire Rodman even if the women lose.
The women do not lose. KOTU gets a score of 86. Athena gets a score of 91. Tionne Watkins gets $20,000 for her charity, Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia, which provides education, screening, and counseling to sickle cell patients.
Rodman is fired. He says it's because people feel threatened by him. Trump disagrees. Rodman says he can kick anyone's ass. James says, "Why doesn't he kick our ass at being a good person?" Blacks says supportive things about Rodman.
Trump says he wanted Rodman to prove something, but he didn't. Both teams sadly say goodbye to Rodman. In the taxi ride home. Rodman says, "Don't count Dennis out."
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is Tionne Watkins. First time this season I've seen a PM truly M the P; I didn't see a hint of chaos, except in the kitchen which was understandable.
Watkins never gets much screen time - maybe she doesn't talk a lot. Evidently, when she finally does talk, it's worth the wait. I admire people who keep their mouths shut until they have something to say (I lack this skill, myself). Such people are in short supply on "reality" shows because they don't "entertain." But on The Apprentice, I want to see people actually do something, not just act bratty for the camera.
We've been on a downhill slide in that respect ever since the very first season of The [non-celebrity] Apprentice, and we've been getting double-helpings this season, thanks to the antics of Clay, Green, Rodman, and Jordan. Now that they're gone, hopefully we'll see a little more talent and a little less mayhem. (I still see plenty of potential for conflict, so we won't be bored.)
KOTU: Rodman, by popular demand.
Athena: Watkins, by popular demand.
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka Trump and Jon Tisch (chairman/CEO of Loew's Hotels).
Outcome: KOTU gets a score of 86; Athena gets a score of 91. Athena wins.
Fired: Rodman, for being a big disappointment (drinking and taking off). His charity, Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) New Orleans which teaches volunteers to advocate for local foster children, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 to Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia, which provides education, screening, and counseling to sickle cell patients.
The women wait in the suite, feeling nervous for Melissa. Melissa and Kardashian come back without Jordan. Melissa says it got personal.
Next day, McKnight meets with the people from his charity. They play it cool when they see the big check, but are obviously pleased.
Duke predicts that her team will be "more cohesive" without Jordan.
Trump meets with the team and explains the task: each team is going to manage five suites in a luxury hotel. Whoever gets the highest ratings from the guests will win. CEO Jon Tisch advises the teams that this will be all about good service.
Athena encourages Watkins to be Project Manager; I'm pretty sure that wasn't her idea and I'm not sure why they pick her instead of one of them volunteering, but they all say she's a good contributor. Maybe it's just that people are less eager to be PM when the prize will be "only" $20,000.
Likewise, Black nominates Rodman, and the whole team agrees. Black tells us that it's their way of showing Rodman that he has their support. I'm thinking it's also high time they got rid of him. Duke is thinking similar, and predicts disaster when Rodman interacts with customers.
Athena prepares
The team gets a half-hour crash course in typical hotel duties (employee training there is normally two weeks). They're told that it usually takes about 20 minutes to clean a room. Kardashian isn't there today because of a prior commitment.
The women pay attention as Watkins gives them their assignments. Joan will be the concierge, because she knows New York. There's no arguing or chaos. They all go up to clean the rooms.
Roderick is amused to be wearing a maid's uniform that isn't a "French maid" costume. Melissa tells us it's not fair that she has to clean the dirtiest room. (I'd like to know who she thinks it would be more fair to ask. Boy, did it. That's another reason I'm glad Jordan was fired - it takes a lot to make me feel sorry for Melissa Rivers, but Jordan did it effortlessly.) Duke helps her with the room. Duke says now that she knows what this is like, she'll leave a $100 tip next time she's in a hotel.
There are stains on the carpet that they can't get out. Melissa decides to just leave them. (I wonder if they could have asked the housekeeping manager's advice?)
They decide to provide gift baskets for the guests. Gulbis pumps her sponsors for stuff to make up elaborate gift baskets.
KOTU prepares
Black predicts that Rodman will be a better leader than follower. It starts out promisingly enough. Rodman wants to impress their guests by filling the lobby with drivers and bodyguards. McKnight is thinking more like fruit or cookies.
Rodman assigns roles. McKnight tells us that Rodman isn't giving real instructions, but Rodman tells him to be concierge, which seems like a clear enough assignment to me. Black expresses concern about Rodman's potty mouth, but Rodman assures him that he can deal with customers without the F-bombs.
McKnight becomes annoyingly bossy, but Rodman takes his idea about snack foods and runs with it. He, Black, and McKnight go to a deli together for some special food to put in the guests' rooms. (Why it takes three men to run this simple errand, I do not know.) But first, Rodman gets a drink.
Meanwhile, James and Walker clean the rooms. Remember how Athena was told it should take about 20 minutes per room? It takes a lot longer for beginners... especially when there are two of them and five suites. But I don't hear them complain about unfairness.
On the way back from the deli, Rodman decides they need to get a couple of Ferraris to park in front of the hotel too. This will impress the guests! McKnight disagrees. Rodman says that he's an expert in marketing and advertising, and McKnight doesn't know anything. McKnight points out that this task is about service and not advertising. This just makes Rodman angrier, and he says "let Brian do everything."
Later, McKnight helps Rodman with his tie. He carefully lays out the cookies on plates to bring up to the rooms. (Yes, apparently the entire haul that the three men brought back from the deli was a box of cookies.) When Walker's done, Rodman dumps the all the cookies back into the box and takes them down to the kitchen for the chef to decorate and make up some platters. McKnight is miffed because they're running very late.
Athena: Check-in and evening
The hotel owner checks on Athena during a fairly smooth check-in process. Joan asks the guests what they want to do this evening. Duke feels awkward as she shows the first guests up to their room
Athena has a celebrity guest, Stephen Baldwin. Upon reaching his room, Baldwin calls Joan to complain about the view. There's a silly little grin on his face to let us know that he's putting on an act. Joan is very professional, and tells him that it's a private, quiet room instead instead of one with a view of a noisy street.
Joan loves being concierge. Someone asks about peep shows. She cheerfully calls someone else and finds out where the peep shows are.
Another group of guests start a party in their room right away. Gulbis brings up their room service order, and they immediately ask her for more things. Some silverware and other items fall off of her cart. She leaves them on the floor when she takes the cart away.
It's only 4 or 5 in the afternoon when they start offering turndown service.
The partying guests are constantly ordering small items, one at a time, instead of placing one large order. They decide that they lie Duke better than Gulbis and begin asking specifically for her.
Baldwin comes back from his outing and scolds Joan because she didn't tell him how expensive the cover charge for his entertainment would be. (There's a funny look on his face again; he's over-acting.) Joan blames herself for not telling him and offers to take care of the problem.
KOTU: Check-in and evening
KOTU's first guest arrives, and his room isn't ready yet. Black is worried and starts making excuses. Rodman intervenes and smooths things over, offering the man a drink. He makes small talk about strip joints in the man's hometown.
The guest wants tickets for Billy Elliot. Rodman doesn't know what Billy Elliot is. He thinks it's a musical act. Likewise, the guest doesn't understand Rodman's accent.
Most of the guests want tickets to Broadway shows, or hard-to-get dinner reservations at exclusive restaurants. Someone not only wants tickets to Equus, but wants to sit on the stage.
Vincent Pastore arrives. He doesn't make his requests with a dumb grin, but his list of requirements is so hilariously long that you have to laugh. Unless you're Dennis Rodman. He wonders if he'll be asked to catch Pastore's turds as well,
After waiting for a long while, one of the guests is upset that the chardonnay he ordered still hasn't arrived, and he doesn't have his dinner reservations yet either.
Ivanka checks up on Rodman. She asks him if he's finding it easier to respect his teammates now. He gives an incoherent but cheerful reply. She can tell he's been drinking
The guest is still waiting for his chardonnay. Like Duke earlier, McKnight says he has a newfound respect for hotel workers.
Walker finally gets the wine to the guest, 75 minutes late. Unfortunately, it's champagne. The guest really wants his Acacia chardonnay. Walker goes back downstairs to tell Rodman about the problem. There's a goofy misunderstanding of "Acacia Chardonnay" vs. "a case of chardonnay." Rodman checks another ice bucket, and there's the exact thing the guy ordered. Walker just delivered the wrong bucket.
Rodman takes the chardonnay up personally with apologies, and offers to take a suit down to be pressed. He brings the suit back up and further soothes the guests' frazzled nerves by personally accompanying them to an exclusive restaurant.
It would have been nice if he'd told his teammates about this - but James says he wasn't helping anyway.
By using their celebrity superpowers, KOTU manages to get all of the show tickets the guests requested. All of the restaurant reservations too, except for Pastore's (he's angry, or pretends to be... I bet he could have gotten that reservation on his own). James worries that they'll win, and then Rodman won't be fired.
Rodman finally comes back, drunker than ever. He's rude and vulgar and loud to Black in front of the guests.
McKnight asks Rodman about the cookies, Rodman goes to the kitchen and asks for "a little vodka cranberry out the ass." (He's already forgotten the drink he set down a moment earlier.) He comes back to the lobby with the cookies. "Cookies out the ass!" he announces. Then he takes off down the hallway in a snit, removing his shirt en route.
Morning
Kardashian's back, but she wasn't around for the half-hour of training. How will she hold up?
Athena's keeping busy with breakfast orders for room service. Melissa realizes that offering free breakfast means more work for them. (Well, it might mean more customer satisfaction, too...)
KOTU, meanwhile, is bored. James thinks it's just that their guests are so content. Black and Walker joke about the women's uniforms.
Rodman shows up out of uniform. He's grouchy, but stays out of their way. Black tries to cajole him. James says he's disappointing his fans.
One of the breakfast orders is too early. Kardashian takes it up anyway. She knocks on a door. The guest comes to a different door (in the same suite, I assume) and explains that it's 40 minutes early. Kardashian says sheI'll bring it back later (that's just what the guest wants to hear, that she'll be getting a 40-minute-old breakfast in a little while). Kardashian tells us that doing room service "kind of isn't my thing." She's used to getting it, not giving it.
Well, thanks for sharing that with us. Did last year's celebrity apprentices complain as much as Melissa Rivers and Khloe Kardashian about having to do actual labor? I don't recall that they did, but maybe I'm just forgetting.
Another guest is upset because Rivers didn't warn her that there were extra charges for having manicure services in her room.
The customers fill out their satisfaction surveys. KOTU's guests say they were disorganized; Black and McKnight were polite; Rodman was evil and "funky." The chardonnay guests say the service was "different," and that they got great service at dinner since Rodman was with them.
Athena's guests say that Athena was "too eager" and offered to turn down their beds in the afternoon. The guys who partied and ordered room service all evening say there were stains on the floor and trash in the trash can. Another guest says breakfast arrived too early, and there were unexpected charges.
Duke worries that KOTU's guests were charmed by Rodman.
McKnight hopes KOTU loses, and Rodman is fired.
The postmortem
Athena has a mutual admiration society between Watkins and the group. Melissa takes credit for nominating Watkins as project manager. There are negative customer comments about high charges, and someone else complained about bad service from Gulbis. The whole team agrees that that particular room was difficult.
KOTU's feedback says that the concierge was absolutely fabulous and most of the team was good, but there were delays.
Trump says the celebrity guests didn't fill out guest cards.
Rodman thinks they didn't win. He blames the team. James says the problem was Rodman's drinking. So does McKnight. The women agree - Joan says he was interfering with her work at one point.
Black says Rodman was good at first. Then he took off to party. Rodman claims his team didn't do what he said, and he did all the work. And yes he did disappear, but he did the best job in those four hours when he was there.
James says it was funny at first, but then it turned mean. Rodman went off on Black multiple times and was loud around the guests.
Walker agrees that there's a drinking problem. Rodman defends himself by saying James had a drinking problem too. James says yes he did - nine years ago.
James says, "look at the contrast" between these two athletes, Walker and Rodman. You already know that Walker is great, but then you meet him and he's even better. The opposite is true with Rodman. People expect more, and they are disappointed. Rodman offers to leave right now. He says his teammates don't defend him. James says he'll help him work, but he can only do so much.
Ivanka points out that they've been saying that he did a good job until the drinking interfered. James says he took four drinks away from Rodman. Rodman thinks it was more like 15. I think it's more like Rodman lost track of 15 drinks.
Black says he doesn't want Rodman to leave despite all of the eruptions and disruption. He supported Rodman because he wanted the team to win.
Rodman says he won five championships. Phil Jackson said he was better than Michael Jordan. Walker says, "That's the past." Trump wonders if he should fire Rodman even if the women lose.
The women do not lose. KOTU gets a score of 86. Athena gets a score of 91. Tionne Watkins gets $20,000 for her charity, Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia, which provides education, screening, and counseling to sickle cell patients.
Rodman is fired. He says it's because people feel threatened by him. Trump disagrees. Rodman says he can kick anyone's ass. James says, "Why doesn't he kick our ass at being a good person?" Blacks says supportive things about Rodman.
Trump says he wanted Rodman to prove something, but he didn't. Both teams sadly say goodbye to Rodman. In the taxi ride home. Rodman says, "Don't count Dennis out."
My MVP
My MVP pick for this episode, not that it matters, :-) is Tionne Watkins. First time this season I've seen a PM truly M the P; I didn't see a hint of chaos, except in the kitchen which was understandable.
Watkins never gets much screen time - maybe she doesn't talk a lot. Evidently, when she finally does talk, it's worth the wait. I admire people who keep their mouths shut until they have something to say (I lack this skill, myself). Such people are in short supply on "reality" shows because they don't "entertain." But on The Apprentice, I want to see people actually do something, not just act bratty for the camera.
We've been on a downhill slide in that respect ever since the very first season of The [non-celebrity] Apprentice, and we've been getting double-helpings this season, thanks to the antics of Clay, Green, Rodman, and Jordan. Now that they're gone, hopefully we'll see a little more talent and a little less mayhem. (I still see plenty of potential for conflict, so we won't be bored.)
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