Dwight: He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
Pam: You don't grab these for balance.
Jim: Well...
Michael: So, would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you?
Michael: You and I are soup snakes. And the reason is, because in terms of the soup, we like to... that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates.
Jim: I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Dwight: What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart.
Oscar: Settle down, gentlemen.
Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.
Dwight: People need volleyball now more than ever.
Michael: We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Dwight: How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? Five? Six? Seven? Eight?
Jim: Hey, Dwight. Send in the subs.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 5/10/2009: Finale
Task: VIP gala, digital picture frame, and silent auction
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, and Melissa, led by Joan
Athena: Brande, Dennis, and Tom, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Don Jr.
Outcome: Joan wins because she did a better job with the celebrities, branding, and overall event experience, despite raising less than one third as much money as Annie.
Fired: Annie, because Trump feels that Joan is a great role model.
Donation: $250,000 to God's Love We Deliver. I don't know if they also get any of the money that was raised in the auction.
Trump says they've been renewed for a ninth season, which I won't be recapping if it's another Celebrity edition. But let's get through tonight before I throw in the towel!
For now I’ll just say this: I've been assuming that because professional entertainers are involved in this show, a lot of the conflict we see is staged. I won't go so far as to insist that it's rigged by Trump or that he makes agreements with certain celebrities, but the possibility has crossed my mind. And it's fair to assume that there have been at least a few put-ons, whether Trump was involved or not.
I'll blather more lengthily at the end of the recap.
We are treated to a review of the tension between Joan and Annie. Annie tries to talk to Joan, and Joan blows her off. Annie just wants to know if Joan has met any of her friends whom Joan has described as "worse than white trash." (Is there a racially-based standard of behavior for trashy people?) Joan says she only yells at her peers, so she doesn't want to yell at Annie. Then she adds, "Let's not be childish about this." Annie calls her a bitch.
They meet with Trump, who brings back the Ghosts of Apprentice Past: Brande, Dennis, Tom, Melissa, Clint, and Herschel.
Annie picks Brande first. Joan picks Herschel first. (Melissa assures us that her feelings aren't hurt; she and her mother agreed that Annie would never pick Melissa, so Joan can pick Melissa last.) Annie also picks Dennis and Tom, so Joan's team is Herschel, Clint, and Melissa.
The task is to throw a pre-show VIP party for Cirque du Soleil and host a silent auction for charity. The party should also showcase a limited-edition digital picture frame. They’re given the show tickets to sell.
They will be judged on raising money, product integration, charity integration, celebrity attendance, and guest experience. Both teams will work with the same event planning company.
Melissa gripes to us about having to work with Clint.
KOTU prepares
Clint tells us the task is too big for four people and he’s glad he's not in charge.
Joan tells her team him to raise money. Clint says his people are out of money, and he doesn't have any peeps in NY. Joan asks him what he wants to do. He agrees to get the stuff together for the auction. Joan is disappointed that he's his old self again - not contributing. Before long, he’s chatting on the phone about golf with a friend.
Joan meets with the event planner. They're maybe not on the same page and Joan is used to working with a specific person who knows what she likes.
Melissa and Herschel go out to sell Cirque du Soleil tickets. They go where people go to buy discount show tickets. Herschel says that rather than sell tickets from the bus, he'll just get someone to buy them all and then hand them out to random people for free. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #1) This will give regular people the chance to feel like true VIPs. It’s in line with the “Kodak moment” thing. It also saves the team a lot of time.
Junior and Ivanka visit KOTU. Joan says they're doing well. Ivanka asks who's going to bid on the auction items. Joan realizes they need to get more celebrities. Clint, who must have missed a memo or something, brags to the mini-Trumps that they have Cirque du Soleil tickets.
Joan talks to her designer. He's talking about draping the room in white, which is not what she wanted. And lounge furniture, which makes no sense.
Melissa and Herschel take pictures of people on the streets of NY to use in the digital picture frames..
The party planner's assistant calls Joan to say they can only get red drapes. Joan thinks the room will be too red. There's no Kodak signage either. She wants the designer to work with one of her own people because she doesn't want to blow their budget on something ugly.
Clint is now doing email instead of work. The designer calls. He's got more awful ideas. Joan thinks the job is over his head. He basically says he can't do it and quits. Clint asks if she called him any names!
It turns out that Joan can’t get another designer on such short notice. She calls on her pals at her charity for help, but it's a small operation and she's not sure if they can pull it off. A lot of people show up, and the room starts to look like something.
Panicked, Joan says all their celebrities have backed out. Herschel suggests getting impersonators. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #2) Joan is completely thrilled. Herschel tells us that celebrities are often boring, but their impersonators are usually fun. Joan especially wants a Trump impersonator, but I don’t think she gets one.
Joan calls a guy who knows all the female impersonators. His mother just died. Joan doesn't let that stop her from asking him for help. The guy laughs; it's the best call he's had all day. Supposedly he's taken this phone call in the middle of the minister's speech. I sure hope he's joking.
Finally, they’ve amassed an impressive collection of auction items. Herschel gets video of each auction item to put in the picture frame. Melissa does a montage of things people share to go with the Kodak EasyShare theme.
Joan isn't delighted to see all the picture frames lined up with Clint showing on all of them. Joan says he'd pick himself up in a bar if he could.
The female impersonators show up. Among others, there are two Liza Minellis, a Carol Channing, a Cher, and a Joan Rivers. The party space is starting to look really good. The entrance is made up to look like a digital picture frame. Joan thanks the charity volunteers for their help.
Backstage, the female impersonators talk about how great Joan is.
Athena prepares
Annie tells Tom he was fired unfairly. She has him go out with Dennis to sell the Cirque du Soleil show tickets. She wants to raise at least half a million dollars. Dennis doesn't promise to raise a lot of money, but after the commercial, he says the Pistons and the Lakers raised $20K for them. Annie is glad the other team didn't get this money.
They meet with the Kodak guy. He seems more relaxed with them than he was with KOTU (not that we saw much of that meeting). Tom asks for a free picture frame. Annie tells him to stop asking questions because their time with the Kodak guy is limited. Annie shushes Tom multiple times. Tom gripes that this isn’t a good way to deal with people.
Annie works the phones, leveraging Joan's nasty comments about poker players to raise more funds. Tom is taken aback by her pushy attitude and gripes about the fund raising.
Dennis and Tom complain to each other that Annie's bossy and doesn't listen to suggestions. Tom clowns around during the event planning. Dennis jokes that he's the sidekick. They both figure they don’t have much to lose since they've already been fired. While Annie is meeting with the event planner, Dennis calls Annie from a few feet away to offer help and she blows him off.
Tom and Dennis go out to sell Cirque tickets. They round people up to get on a bus. Tom jokes that they should go get a drink.
Tom continues to harass people on the street to sell tickets. He says he wants Annie to win, but enjoys being away from her. Riding on top of the bus, he almost gets hit by street lights.
Annie can't get in touch with her event planner. She goes to the office to find her. The first person they see is Joan's ex-planner's assistant, who angrily kicks them out. Annie speaks to her privately (away from cameras) and discovers that the company has quit the whole thing because the guy who quit is the owner of the design firm. (A design firm that has access to only two colors of drapes, has feeble design ideas, and quits at the drop of a hat in front of a national TV audience? Does this strike anyone else as suspicious?) It's after 5 and everything is closed. Annie thinks she's going to lose. She and Brande start calling friends in hopes that one of them will know someone who can help.
Annie is upset that she's screwed because Joan doesn't know how to be respectful to people. Now she's extra-determined to win and has more anti-Joan sob stories to share with her loyal friends. She finally finds someone to help.
Brande and Annie have found only three celebrities to come so far. (Joan's team had already assembled more celebrities than that by the time Ivanka and Junior visited much earlier.) All their friends are out in LA and can't come over on short notice.
Tom and Dennis come back. They've sold all their tickets (they reveal this only after first pretending that they spent the day partying) and they say they may be bringing in a few more celebs.
Annie meets with her two new designers. One of them drove over from CT, and the other one owns a warehouse full of supplies. Before they get to work, Annie gives them heartfelt and profuse thanks for coming out to help.
Annie's poker friends sing her praises.
Annie tells Tom that Joan is a good competitor but a nasty lady. He thinks Joan is joking and that it's an honor to be dissed by her. Tom says all Annie does is talk about Joan; she's gotten under her skin. (The live audience cheers.)
Annie wants to use refugee videos from her charity in the picture frame. She asks Tom to edit the video. He doesn’t do it to her liking. He gets offended and sulks. He gripes to Dennis, who is actually doing something. Tom angrily tells Annie that he doesn't tell her how to play poker. She asks him to take pictures of the party preparations as additional footage for the picture frame.
They make their final touches to the party space. Tom asks if these are all the barstools or if they're just stool samples. Annie kicks all the extra people out, and the party begins.
KOTU's party
The Joan Rivers impersonator works the red carpet for the KOTU party. One of Annie's friends thinks she's the real thing and asks if they should even speak to her.
Joan thinks Annie will out-fundraise her, but she thinks her own party will be better in every other way. She does have some real celebs there too - Kathy Griffin and someone from a previous season of American Idol. Regular folks are bidding on affordable donated items, like autographed photos.
Melissa shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing people sharing things. He's impressed.
Athena's party
Dennis shows up in a lovely blue gown that matches Brandy's except he has a big hat too.
Annie's happy with the room decor. There are poker players, athletes, etc. Annie works them and tries to talk up their auction bids. Dennis thinks it would have been a lot nicer if Annie had been open to his ideas. (It’s not clear whether he ever offered any ideas or not – I didn’t hear any).
Trump shows up and schmoozes. He asks Annie how she did with Dennis. She says Dennis did exactly what she wanted him to.
Annie shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing her charity and some behind-the-scenes of planning the event. He's impressed.
Then everybody gets on the buses for the Cirque du Soleil show. The two teams sit together.
The postmortem
Trump says Dennis redeemed himself.
Joan says her team was “interesting” and they got the job done. Melissa is proud of her mother. Trump asks her about why she called Brande and Annie whores. She said she was angry. Brande says "sure."
Trump says some of the faux celebrities at Joan’s party gave him the creeps.
Annie thinks she raised more money. Trump jokingly asks if her friends are regular gamblers or degenerate gamblers. She says they're investors, and poker is a game of skill and less of a gamble than the stock market. They're generous about money because that's what it's for.
Dennis says good things about Annie and that she was smart to take a chance on him. She's happy with him. Tom says she was a good leader. (I think he wants to add some negative remarks, but Trump cuts him off.) Tom talks about her fundraising skills.
Trump asks Annie about the problem she allegedly had with her decorator. She says she didn't have a problem with her decorator, but they quit because of Joan. Joan calls her a liar! Annie tries to gives her side of the story. Joan interrupts to complain about what an awful person Annie is and that she won't allow this to be on television. Trump barely lets Annie speak. Melissa claims that Athena hired other people! What??? Joan says Annie's money is from the Mafia.
Ivanka asks how they decorated. Joan explains that her volunteers did it. Annie tries to tell the rest of her story, but Joan and Melissa keep interrupting.
There's more bickering, but life's too short for this stupidity.
KOTU raised $150,830. Melissa beams with pride.
Athena raised $465,725. Joan grudgingly says it's all good because it's for charity.
Annie decisively wins in the quantitative category! However, of the four qualitative (and highly subjective) categories, the only one she beats Joan in is charity integration. Trump feels that Joan’s celebrities were more recognizable (true) and that her team did a better job of Kodak branding (that was all Melissa).
In the fifth category, “overall experience,” Trump declares Joan the winner - no doubt the guests were in a much better mood, considering they got free tickets instead of being chased by Tom and Dennis in the street!
Additional “live” material
After each commercial break, there was a brief “live” segment from the Museum of Natural History in NY.
Trump introduced some of the people who were already fired: Andrew "Dice," Scott, Claudia, Brian, Jesse. Andrew isn't able to coherently say how he's been doing lately. Scott thanks Trump for firing him early so he could miss out on the ensuing mess. Trump congratulates Jesse on becoming popular due to the show.
Jesse asks if they're live. He says he learned a lot about how much crap he could take from people, and that Dennis is awesome. Brian says he had a good time. Claudia says she learned more about herself and was glad to show the world she could do more than open a suitcase. (What? All I saw was petty, shrill, jealous, mean-girl behavior.)
Hmm… Natalie, Tionne, and Khloe are missing, and I don’t hear any explanation for their absence. Tionne was fired after doing an excellent job and getting along with everyone, and Khloe was fired because Trump disapproved of her DUI (for which she the state of CA was already punishing her). I can understand why those two wouldn’t want to come back, but I’m not sure why Natalie’s not here.
There’s an “analysis” from Jim Cramer that’s not worth repeating.
Ivanka introduces some "The More You Know" spots in which Joan and Annie talk about their charities.
George Ross says he thinks Annie and Joan don't get along. Ugh, is that all you could come up with, George??
Trump introduces those who were fired but "had the guts" to come back: Herschel, Clint, Melissa, Tom, Brande, and Dennis. Dennis says he's doing well and is thankful to be alive, sad about the death of Chuck Daley. He’s still sore about Jesse calling him out on his drinking, and also feels the need to mention that Jesse's wife makes a lot of money. Jesse calls Dennis “stupid” and says he cares.
Trump asks Melissa if she is embarrassed about her meltdown. She says no. Brande says she and her friends call each other “whore pit vipers” all the time now, and it's water under the bridge. Claudia says Melissa’s behavior was embarrassing, and that it was worse than when she was fired herself and made personal comments about Melissa’s appearance. (Amazing that she can be so self-righteous in such a short time!)
Melissa tries to say something, but Trump cuts her off. He says Clint got lots of abuse instead of the credit he deserved. Trump thanks Kodak, which is giving office equipment to their charities (I'm not sure if he means all of their charities, or just Annie's and Joan's).
Live boardroom
Joan and Annie both say they had fun.
Trump asks Melissa if she hates Annie. Melissa says no; she's just proud of her mother.
Trump asks Brande if she could have beaten Annie. Brande replies, “We'll never know.”
Clint thinks Trump should fire his editor. He adds that he’s always grateful when he doesn't have to decide. (Hmm, that’s not how I remember it!)
Trump asks Jesse who to hire. Jesse jokes that he'd hire Annie because workers’ comp is expensive for old people.
Dennis comes out in favor of Joan. Scott long-windedly endorses Joan for her stamina in old age.
Trump introduces Trace Adkins and claims that Celebrity Apprentice made Trace famous. Seriously!
Trace says his charity raised half a million dollars extra due to show even though he didn't win, plus it got some food allergy legislation moving. Trace is in favor of Joan because she has "that charitable thing."
Piers Morgan says it's already been declared: Annie won two of the criteria and Joan won three.
Joan makes a rambly speech that goes approximately as follows (I can’t swear this is verbatim because I had to delete the show to free up some room on the machine): “I represent winning and business in the new way that this country is taking on, which is, we are honorable, we cannot do business in the old way, we can't grab money because it will affect those you grab from, and we represented getting money for charity. America is about charity… I raised some and awareness and people in England and the whole world knows we're a charitable country.”
Annie replies that if this game is about raising money for charity, winning tasks, or winning as PM, she did better on all counts. Trump points out that she lost the last task.
Annie says that Joan made the designer quit - now that she’s seen the video herself - this means that Joan lied in the boardroom. (The pro-Joan live audience boos.) Trump says that Joan’s lying was smart, and Annie’s been doing that for 14 weeks. (Can someone refresh my memory as to when Annie lied? All I know of is Joan’s claim that Annie complained a little bit about Brande, which Joan mistakenly interpreted as some kind of promise to protect Melissa.)
Annie adds that her friends always came through for her when Joan’s didn't, and it’s because of they way she treats people.
Trump has to tell Joan to let Annie speak.
Annie says there's no boardroom where people can call each other worse than Hitler.
Joan says she owns a jewelry company and she's never fired anyone (this is something you'd mention to Trump??) and she says things to people's faces, unlike Annie who said that Joan was a cancer and hoped she'd die.
Annie says she has always “acted professional” in the boardroom.
“Acted professionally,” Joan corrects her.
Trump says, “This is not going to be easy.”
Ivanka says that Annie was phenomenal and cool and raised lots of money, and Joan has tenacity and is a role model.
Junior agrees that Joan has stamina, and Annie is good at game theory and doesn't let emotion get in the way.
Trump tells Annie that she’s ruthless, and it's been amazing, and that Joan’s energy is amazing and she is a role model. (The exact same words as his kids? Are they working from a script??)
Then he fires Annie. Annie and Joan hug.
THE END
Back to my own griping
Last week, Joan said her family was killed by Nazis, but even so, she thinks Annie's worse than Hitler. Now, if she was sincere about that, then she's crazy-hateful and I don't like her. However, if she was just saying that for our entertainment, then she's using the murders in her family (or if that’s a lie too, then the murders in countless other families) just to make a tasteless joke about someone. That's even more repulsive!
And then she said that she did it for her principles. What was at stake? Melissa staying on the show an extra week or two?
So… Ivanka and Trump think Joan is a role model. That’s really the complaint I have about this outcome - they cited her being a “role model” as the reason for her win.
A role model? Was it the racial remarks? Her habit of asking men she’s just met if they’re gay before they begin their work (just try that in the private sector)? Is it the name-calling and character assassination? I don’t want to minimize her accomplishments, but being a role model is about accomplishments AND character.
I’m not saying that Annie was an angel, or that she should have won because she raised three times as much money as Joan. They handicapped Joan right from the beginning by adding FOUR qualitative (subjective) criteria so that they could hand her the win no matter how well Annie did; or maybe Joan deserved to win the task. I didn’t see enough party footage to be sure.
I don’t like shows that encourage people to show off their ugliest traits for cash, charity, or ratings. I DO enjoy watching people that I can admire; that’s what I liked about the first season or two of The Apprentice Those days are long gone, on the heels of the awesome Carolyn Kepcher. If it were still about skill now, we would have seen a showdown between Jesse and Annie in the finale, with a lot less name-calling and theatrics. (Maybe some good-natured trash-talk, though!)
I’ve found that it’s much more worthwhile to ignore the likes of Joan Rivers, Claudia Jordan, etc. than to watch them and be disgusted. Why oh why didn’t I quit after the first couple of weeks? It was like staring at a train wreck - which is also a bad habit and waste of time. Next season, I’ll find a better way to spend my evening!
Sorry for all the griping, and thanks for reading!
KOTU: Herschel, Clint, and Melissa, led by Joan
Athena: Brande, Dennis, and Tom, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Don Jr.
Outcome: Joan wins because she did a better job with the celebrities, branding, and overall event experience, despite raising less than one third as much money as Annie.
Fired: Annie, because Trump feels that Joan is a great role model.
Donation: $250,000 to God's Love We Deliver. I don't know if they also get any of the money that was raised in the auction.
Trump says they've been renewed for a ninth season, which I won't be recapping if it's another Celebrity edition. But let's get through tonight before I throw in the towel!
For now I’ll just say this: I've been assuming that because professional entertainers are involved in this show, a lot of the conflict we see is staged. I won't go so far as to insist that it's rigged by Trump or that he makes agreements with certain celebrities, but the possibility has crossed my mind. And it's fair to assume that there have been at least a few put-ons, whether Trump was involved or not.
I'll blather more lengthily at the end of the recap.
We are treated to a review of the tension between Joan and Annie. Annie tries to talk to Joan, and Joan blows her off. Annie just wants to know if Joan has met any of her friends whom Joan has described as "worse than white trash." (Is there a racially-based standard of behavior for trashy people?) Joan says she only yells at her peers, so she doesn't want to yell at Annie. Then she adds, "Let's not be childish about this." Annie calls her a bitch.
They meet with Trump, who brings back the Ghosts of Apprentice Past: Brande, Dennis, Tom, Melissa, Clint, and Herschel.
Annie picks Brande first. Joan picks Herschel first. (Melissa assures us that her feelings aren't hurt; she and her mother agreed that Annie would never pick Melissa, so Joan can pick Melissa last.) Annie also picks Dennis and Tom, so Joan's team is Herschel, Clint, and Melissa.
The task is to throw a pre-show VIP party for Cirque du Soleil and host a silent auction for charity. The party should also showcase a limited-edition digital picture frame. They’re given the show tickets to sell.
They will be judged on raising money, product integration, charity integration, celebrity attendance, and guest experience. Both teams will work with the same event planning company.
Melissa gripes to us about having to work with Clint.
KOTU prepares
Clint tells us the task is too big for four people and he’s glad he's not in charge.
Joan tells her team him to raise money. Clint says his people are out of money, and he doesn't have any peeps in NY. Joan asks him what he wants to do. He agrees to get the stuff together for the auction. Joan is disappointed that he's his old self again - not contributing. Before long, he’s chatting on the phone about golf with a friend.
Joan meets with the event planner. They're maybe not on the same page and Joan is used to working with a specific person who knows what she likes.
Melissa and Herschel go out to sell Cirque du Soleil tickets. They go where people go to buy discount show tickets. Herschel says that rather than sell tickets from the bus, he'll just get someone to buy them all and then hand them out to random people for free. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #1) This will give regular people the chance to feel like true VIPs. It’s in line with the “Kodak moment” thing. It also saves the team a lot of time.
Junior and Ivanka visit KOTU. Joan says they're doing well. Ivanka asks who's going to bid on the auction items. Joan realizes they need to get more celebrities. Clint, who must have missed a memo or something, brags to the mini-Trumps that they have Cirque du Soleil tickets.
Joan talks to her designer. He's talking about draping the room in white, which is not what she wanted. And lounge furniture, which makes no sense.
Melissa and Herschel take pictures of people on the streets of NY to use in the digital picture frames..
The party planner's assistant calls Joan to say they can only get red drapes. Joan thinks the room will be too red. There's no Kodak signage either. She wants the designer to work with one of her own people because she doesn't want to blow their budget on something ugly.
Clint is now doing email instead of work. The designer calls. He's got more awful ideas. Joan thinks the job is over his head. He basically says he can't do it and quits. Clint asks if she called him any names!
It turns out that Joan can’t get another designer on such short notice. She calls on her pals at her charity for help, but it's a small operation and she's not sure if they can pull it off. A lot of people show up, and the room starts to look like something.
Panicked, Joan says all their celebrities have backed out. Herschel suggests getting impersonators. (Herschel’s Brilliant Idea #2) Joan is completely thrilled. Herschel tells us that celebrities are often boring, but their impersonators are usually fun. Joan especially wants a Trump impersonator, but I don’t think she gets one.
Joan calls a guy who knows all the female impersonators. His mother just died. Joan doesn't let that stop her from asking him for help. The guy laughs; it's the best call he's had all day. Supposedly he's taken this phone call in the middle of the minister's speech. I sure hope he's joking.
Finally, they’ve amassed an impressive collection of auction items. Herschel gets video of each auction item to put in the picture frame. Melissa does a montage of things people share to go with the Kodak EasyShare theme.
Joan isn't delighted to see all the picture frames lined up with Clint showing on all of them. Joan says he'd pick himself up in a bar if he could.
The female impersonators show up. Among others, there are two Liza Minellis, a Carol Channing, a Cher, and a Joan Rivers. The party space is starting to look really good. The entrance is made up to look like a digital picture frame. Joan thanks the charity volunteers for their help.
Backstage, the female impersonators talk about how great Joan is.
Athena prepares
Annie tells Tom he was fired unfairly. She has him go out with Dennis to sell the Cirque du Soleil show tickets. She wants to raise at least half a million dollars. Dennis doesn't promise to raise a lot of money, but after the commercial, he says the Pistons and the Lakers raised $20K for them. Annie is glad the other team didn't get this money.
They meet with the Kodak guy. He seems more relaxed with them than he was with KOTU (not that we saw much of that meeting). Tom asks for a free picture frame. Annie tells him to stop asking questions because their time with the Kodak guy is limited. Annie shushes Tom multiple times. Tom gripes that this isn’t a good way to deal with people.
Annie works the phones, leveraging Joan's nasty comments about poker players to raise more funds. Tom is taken aback by her pushy attitude and gripes about the fund raising.
Dennis and Tom complain to each other that Annie's bossy and doesn't listen to suggestions. Tom clowns around during the event planning. Dennis jokes that he's the sidekick. They both figure they don’t have much to lose since they've already been fired. While Annie is meeting with the event planner, Dennis calls Annie from a few feet away to offer help and she blows him off.
Tom and Dennis go out to sell Cirque tickets. They round people up to get on a bus. Tom jokes that they should go get a drink.
Tom continues to harass people on the street to sell tickets. He says he wants Annie to win, but enjoys being away from her. Riding on top of the bus, he almost gets hit by street lights.
Annie can't get in touch with her event planner. She goes to the office to find her. The first person they see is Joan's ex-planner's assistant, who angrily kicks them out. Annie speaks to her privately (away from cameras) and discovers that the company has quit the whole thing because the guy who quit is the owner of the design firm. (A design firm that has access to only two colors of drapes, has feeble design ideas, and quits at the drop of a hat in front of a national TV audience? Does this strike anyone else as suspicious?) It's after 5 and everything is closed. Annie thinks she's going to lose. She and Brande start calling friends in hopes that one of them will know someone who can help.
Annie is upset that she's screwed because Joan doesn't know how to be respectful to people. Now she's extra-determined to win and has more anti-Joan sob stories to share with her loyal friends. She finally finds someone to help.
Brande and Annie have found only three celebrities to come so far. (Joan's team had already assembled more celebrities than that by the time Ivanka and Junior visited much earlier.) All their friends are out in LA and can't come over on short notice.
Tom and Dennis come back. They've sold all their tickets (they reveal this only after first pretending that they spent the day partying) and they say they may be bringing in a few more celebs.
Annie meets with her two new designers. One of them drove over from CT, and the other one owns a warehouse full of supplies. Before they get to work, Annie gives them heartfelt and profuse thanks for coming out to help.
Annie's poker friends sing her praises.
Annie tells Tom that Joan is a good competitor but a nasty lady. He thinks Joan is joking and that it's an honor to be dissed by her. Tom says all Annie does is talk about Joan; she's gotten under her skin. (The live audience cheers.)
Annie wants to use refugee videos from her charity in the picture frame. She asks Tom to edit the video. He doesn’t do it to her liking. He gets offended and sulks. He gripes to Dennis, who is actually doing something. Tom angrily tells Annie that he doesn't tell her how to play poker. She asks him to take pictures of the party preparations as additional footage for the picture frame.
They make their final touches to the party space. Tom asks if these are all the barstools or if they're just stool samples. Annie kicks all the extra people out, and the party begins.
KOTU's party
The Joan Rivers impersonator works the red carpet for the KOTU party. One of Annie's friends thinks she's the real thing and asks if they should even speak to her.
Joan thinks Annie will out-fundraise her, but she thinks her own party will be better in every other way. She does have some real celebs there too - Kathy Griffin and someone from a previous season of American Idol. Regular folks are bidding on affordable donated items, like autographed photos.
Melissa shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing people sharing things. He's impressed.
Athena's party
Dennis shows up in a lovely blue gown that matches Brandy's except he has a big hat too.
Annie's happy with the room decor. There are poker players, athletes, etc. Annie works them and tries to talk up their auction bids. Dennis thinks it would have been a lot nicer if Annie had been open to his ideas. (It’s not clear whether he ever offered any ideas or not – I didn’t hear any).
Trump shows up and schmoozes. He asks Annie how she did with Dennis. She says Dennis did exactly what she wanted him to.
Annie shows the Kodak guy what she did with the picture frame, showing her charity and some behind-the-scenes of planning the event. He's impressed.
Then everybody gets on the buses for the Cirque du Soleil show. The two teams sit together.
The postmortem
Trump says Dennis redeemed himself.
Joan says her team was “interesting” and they got the job done. Melissa is proud of her mother. Trump asks her about why she called Brande and Annie whores. She said she was angry. Brande says "sure."
Trump says some of the faux celebrities at Joan’s party gave him the creeps.
Annie thinks she raised more money. Trump jokingly asks if her friends are regular gamblers or degenerate gamblers. She says they're investors, and poker is a game of skill and less of a gamble than the stock market. They're generous about money because that's what it's for.
Dennis says good things about Annie and that she was smart to take a chance on him. She's happy with him. Tom says she was a good leader. (I think he wants to add some negative remarks, but Trump cuts him off.) Tom talks about her fundraising skills.
Trump asks Annie about the problem she allegedly had with her decorator. She says she didn't have a problem with her decorator, but they quit because of Joan. Joan calls her a liar! Annie tries to gives her side of the story. Joan interrupts to complain about what an awful person Annie is and that she won't allow this to be on television. Trump barely lets Annie speak. Melissa claims that Athena hired other people! What??? Joan says Annie's money is from the Mafia.
Ivanka asks how they decorated. Joan explains that her volunteers did it. Annie tries to tell the rest of her story, but Joan and Melissa keep interrupting.
There's more bickering, but life's too short for this stupidity.
KOTU raised $150,830. Melissa beams with pride.
Athena raised $465,725. Joan grudgingly says it's all good because it's for charity.
Annie decisively wins in the quantitative category! However, of the four qualitative (and highly subjective) categories, the only one she beats Joan in is charity integration. Trump feels that Joan’s celebrities were more recognizable (true) and that her team did a better job of Kodak branding (that was all Melissa).
In the fifth category, “overall experience,” Trump declares Joan the winner - no doubt the guests were in a much better mood, considering they got free tickets instead of being chased by Tom and Dennis in the street!
Additional “live” material
After each commercial break, there was a brief “live” segment from the Museum of Natural History in NY.
Trump introduced some of the people who were already fired: Andrew "Dice," Scott, Claudia, Brian, Jesse. Andrew isn't able to coherently say how he's been doing lately. Scott thanks Trump for firing him early so he could miss out on the ensuing mess. Trump congratulates Jesse on becoming popular due to the show.
Jesse asks if they're live. He says he learned a lot about how much crap he could take from people, and that Dennis is awesome. Brian says he had a good time. Claudia says she learned more about herself and was glad to show the world she could do more than open a suitcase. (What? All I saw was petty, shrill, jealous, mean-girl behavior.)
Hmm… Natalie, Tionne, and Khloe are missing, and I don’t hear any explanation for their absence. Tionne was fired after doing an excellent job and getting along with everyone, and Khloe was fired because Trump disapproved of her DUI (for which she the state of CA was already punishing her). I can understand why those two wouldn’t want to come back, but I’m not sure why Natalie’s not here.
There’s an “analysis” from Jim Cramer that’s not worth repeating.
Ivanka introduces some "The More You Know" spots in which Joan and Annie talk about their charities.
George Ross says he thinks Annie and Joan don't get along. Ugh, is that all you could come up with, George??
Trump introduces those who were fired but "had the guts" to come back: Herschel, Clint, Melissa, Tom, Brande, and Dennis. Dennis says he's doing well and is thankful to be alive, sad about the death of Chuck Daley. He’s still sore about Jesse calling him out on his drinking, and also feels the need to mention that Jesse's wife makes a lot of money. Jesse calls Dennis “stupid” and says he cares.
Trump asks Melissa if she is embarrassed about her meltdown. She says no. Brande says she and her friends call each other “whore pit vipers” all the time now, and it's water under the bridge. Claudia says Melissa’s behavior was embarrassing, and that it was worse than when she was fired herself and made personal comments about Melissa’s appearance. (Amazing that she can be so self-righteous in such a short time!)
Melissa tries to say something, but Trump cuts her off. He says Clint got lots of abuse instead of the credit he deserved. Trump thanks Kodak, which is giving office equipment to their charities (I'm not sure if he means all of their charities, or just Annie's and Joan's).
Live boardroom
Joan and Annie both say they had fun.
Trump asks Melissa if she hates Annie. Melissa says no; she's just proud of her mother.
Trump asks Brande if she could have beaten Annie. Brande replies, “We'll never know.”
Clint thinks Trump should fire his editor. He adds that he’s always grateful when he doesn't have to decide. (Hmm, that’s not how I remember it!)
Trump asks Jesse who to hire. Jesse jokes that he'd hire Annie because workers’ comp is expensive for old people.
Dennis comes out in favor of Joan. Scott long-windedly endorses Joan for her stamina in old age.
Trump introduces Trace Adkins and claims that Celebrity Apprentice made Trace famous. Seriously!
Trace says his charity raised half a million dollars extra due to show even though he didn't win, plus it got some food allergy legislation moving. Trace is in favor of Joan because she has "that charitable thing."
Piers Morgan says it's already been declared: Annie won two of the criteria and Joan won three.
Joan makes a rambly speech that goes approximately as follows (I can’t swear this is verbatim because I had to delete the show to free up some room on the machine): “I represent winning and business in the new way that this country is taking on, which is, we are honorable, we cannot do business in the old way, we can't grab money because it will affect those you grab from, and we represented getting money for charity. America is about charity… I raised some and awareness and people in England and the whole world knows we're a charitable country.”
Annie replies that if this game is about raising money for charity, winning tasks, or winning as PM, she did better on all counts. Trump points out that she lost the last task.
Annie says that Joan made the designer quit - now that she’s seen the video herself - this means that Joan lied in the boardroom. (The pro-Joan live audience boos.) Trump says that Joan’s lying was smart, and Annie’s been doing that for 14 weeks. (Can someone refresh my memory as to when Annie lied? All I know of is Joan’s claim that Annie complained a little bit about Brande, which Joan mistakenly interpreted as some kind of promise to protect Melissa.)
Annie adds that her friends always came through for her when Joan’s didn't, and it’s because of they way she treats people.
Trump has to tell Joan to let Annie speak.
Annie says there's no boardroom where people can call each other worse than Hitler.
Joan says she owns a jewelry company and she's never fired anyone (this is something you'd mention to Trump??) and she says things to people's faces, unlike Annie who said that Joan was a cancer and hoped she'd die.
Annie says she has always “acted professional” in the boardroom.
“Acted professionally,” Joan corrects her.
Trump says, “This is not going to be easy.”
Ivanka says that Annie was phenomenal and cool and raised lots of money, and Joan has tenacity and is a role model.
Junior agrees that Joan has stamina, and Annie is good at game theory and doesn't let emotion get in the way.
Trump tells Annie that she’s ruthless, and it's been amazing, and that Joan’s energy is amazing and she is a role model. (The exact same words as his kids? Are they working from a script??)
Then he fires Annie. Annie and Joan hug.
THE END
Back to my own griping
Last week, Joan said her family was killed by Nazis, but even so, she thinks Annie's worse than Hitler. Now, if she was sincere about that, then she's crazy-hateful and I don't like her. However, if she was just saying that for our entertainment, then she's using the murders in her family (or if that’s a lie too, then the murders in countless other families) just to make a tasteless joke about someone. That's even more repulsive!
And then she said that she did it for her principles. What was at stake? Melissa staying on the show an extra week or two?
So… Ivanka and Trump think Joan is a role model. That’s really the complaint I have about this outcome - they cited her being a “role model” as the reason for her win.
A role model? Was it the racial remarks? Her habit of asking men she’s just met if they’re gay before they begin their work (just try that in the private sector)? Is it the name-calling and character assassination? I don’t want to minimize her accomplishments, but being a role model is about accomplishments AND character.
I’m not saying that Annie was an angel, or that she should have won because she raised three times as much money as Joan. They handicapped Joan right from the beginning by adding FOUR qualitative (subjective) criteria so that they could hand her the win no matter how well Annie did; or maybe Joan deserved to win the task. I didn’t see enough party footage to be sure.
I don’t like shows that encourage people to show off their ugliest traits for cash, charity, or ratings. I DO enjoy watching people that I can admire; that’s what I liked about the first season or two of The Apprentice Those days are long gone, on the heels of the awesome Carolyn Kepcher. If it were still about skill now, we would have seen a showdown between Jesse and Annie in the finale, with a lot less name-calling and theatrics. (Maybe some good-natured trash-talk, though!)
I’ve found that it’s much more worthwhile to ignore the likes of Joan Rivers, Claudia Jordan, etc. than to watch them and be disgusted. Why oh why didn’t I quit after the first couple of weeks? It was like staring at a train wreck - which is also a bad habit and waste of time. Next season, I’ll find a better way to spend my evening!
Sorry for all the griping, and thanks for reading!
Friday, May 8, 2009
5/7/2009: Great Moments in "The Office"
Michael: I actually dance all the time... when I am breaking all the rules, I'm breakdancing.
Michael: Gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Michael: I am your big daddy, and I am gonna kiss the boo-boo.
Michael: Funk is the problem and the solution.
Michael: This is a no-work zone. Please respect the lei.
Dwight: It's the most annoying thing - like children singing Christmas carols.
Angela: I didn't come down here to get wet and wild.
Andy: Are you sure that's not the gay ear?
Michael: Gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Michael: I am your big daddy, and I am gonna kiss the boo-boo.
Michael: Funk is the problem and the solution.
Michael: This is a no-work zone. Please respect the lei.
Dwight: It's the most annoying thing - like children singing Christmas carols.
Angela: I didn't come down here to get wet and wild.
Andy: Are you sure that's not the gay ear?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 5/3/2009: Jingle hell & reckoning
Task: Create a radio ad and jingle for tuna
KOTU: Jesse and Joan, led by Clint
Athena: Brande, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Junior
Outcome: Athena wins for giving the executives what they wanted
Fired: Clint, for failing to listen; Brande, for for not having what it takes; and Jesse, for holding back on fundraising.
Donation: $20,000 to Refugees International.
I'll point out that even though Melissa claimed last week that she was suffering from torn tendons, she had no trouble scampering around to make a scene after she was fired. Now to the present.
Jesse doesn't think Joan will come back. Annie and Brande vent about Melissa and Joan. Brande hopes Joan comes back so she can beat her.
Clint talks about his charity. Rett Syndrome claimed the life of his niece Courtney at age 16. She wasn't able to take care of herself or communicate for her entire life. He calls his brother, Kevin. Clint doesn't know that Kevin is right outside the door. He comes into the room, surprising Clint. Clint gives his brother the check. Kevin is touched. They hug.
The teams meet for the next task, minus Joan. Trump comes in with his son and daughter and two executives from a tuna company. Joan steps off the elevator, saying her taxi was late but her team shouldn't suffer for something that's personal. She came back to win. Trump congratulates her and says if somebody did something to his kids, they would have a problem. Annie gripes to us and calls Joan a complete bitch.
The tuna jingle is more than 50 years old. The teams need to compose a new jingle using some of the old lyrics, as well as a 30-second radio ad. Annie laughs and whispers to Brande that Clint won a Grammy award. Brande wonders how they'll compete with that. She tells us, "holy S-R-A-P." She laughs. (She meant to say "crap" and spell "shit," but she got mixed up. Sorry, but I couldn't "foregoo" the chance to make fun!)
Annie asks if they can have Clint for their project manager. Annie is going to be the project manager because Brande was last time. Joan nominates Clint as their project manager. They all think he will do well.
Joan says Clint should be the project manager for KOTU, and she and Jesse can work on the commercial. Jesse says he likes Clint now, so he can be the project manager. Joan think she'll do a funny ad. I'm not sure where this leaves Jesse.
Athena prepares
Annie and Brande are both upset, because neither is musically inclined. Brande is worried about a trip to the boardroom, but they feel a little better after doing some research at the website.
They are the first to meet with the executives. They are told that their biggest decision makers are women with families. Annie asks for three key words to describe the product. The execs say natural, healthy, and convenient. Annie feels confident about the commercial; it'll be moms having a conversation at a soccer game. She's still nervous about the jingle.
Athena goes to the studio. They compare singing voices. Brande's is even worse than Annie's. Brande laughs so hard that she cries. (I give her credit for being able to laugh at herself - something many of her competitors, especially Claudia and Melissa, were unable to do.) They struggle with lyrics and rhyming. Annie suggests "why don't you smell my rubber glove" to rhyme with "for the ones you love." Annie feels better after blowing off a little steam during the van ride.
Annie finally comes up with some lyrics for the jingle. They're about moms feeding lunch to their kids. Brande attempts to sing it, which makes it sound awful. Annie comes up with text for the ad too, and finally gets it down to 30 seconds. Brande sings in jubilation.
Junior visits Athena. Annie says they're not despairing even though the other team has Clint. Junior asks them what they can do that KOTU can't. Annie says they're usually better than KOTU at branding. She's a mother who feeds her kids. But she's worried because the client is looking for a jingle, and Clint is singing the other team's jingle. Junior tries to encourage them. Brande asks him if he wants her to wear a mermaid costume tomorrow. He replies, "as skimpy as possible." Somehow he sounds less smarmy than his father when he talks that way.
Brande and an actress read through the commercial in the recording booth. Annie trusts that Brande will do a good job even though she's not very creative.
Annie works with the musician to get a tune. It's coming along, but Annie is getting discouraged. Then, suddenly, they seem to have a jingle. Annie notices that the musicians in the room the musicians also seem to like it. It's upbeat and jingle-icious. Annie is proud of herself for having written a song. She says she's written an amazing jingle. She gloats that Clint won't do much better.
The next day, Annie and Brande are excited as they prepare for the presentation and run through the jingle with their singer.
Annie over-explains the jingle to the execs, saying that it's perky and stresses trust, health, freshness, and convenience. It's both nostalgic and contemporary, and they have a woman singing the jingle because of their customer base. Maddy comes out and sings the song. Then Annie introduces the radio spot and explains that to them too. Brande thinks the presentation went well. Annie walks off to the sound of their jingle. Annie is proud of herself for overcoming her self-doubt. If she loses, she'll at least know that she did something incredible. Brande weeps with relief afterwards.
KOTU prepares
Clint asks the execs about "bullet points" and the use of humor. They tell him to communicate health, convenience, and fun. One of the execs recognizes that Clint has different skills than the other team and has high expectations.
Jesse says he needs to figure out how to work with Clint. He has a Nashville-themed suggestion for the jingle, which Joan nixes already. Clint asks for more ideas. Joan predicts that the commercial will not be funny, and that she will be upset, and they will lose.
Clint is excited that they'll be working in a studio instead of a kitchen or a loft. Joan and Jesse work on the commercial. Clint starts working on the song. He starts each line with "naturally," because part of their message was about the products being good for you naturally. It's a very, very mellow tune. Joan and Jesse like it. Joan says it was a magical moment and Jesse says it's catchy.
Clint works with the band. Joan asks Jesse if it shouldn't be a little more peppy. Jesse agrees about the tempo. Joan encourages Jesse to make the recommendation to Clint before it's too late. Jesse realizes that Joan is using him to make the suggestions. He suggests that they do a faster version and Clint agrees. It's faster, but still very mellow.
Clint thinks the faster version sounds too hurried. He believes he's gotten better at "making the team feel like I am listening," but he reserves the right to say no to their ideas. He tells the band he doesn't like the slower version. Joan makes a face.
Joan wants a clucking chicken and a splash at the end of KOTU's jingle. Clint laughs, but refuses to put it in the ad. He's worried that the executives would be offended by making fun of their image and doesn't want to take the risk.
He plays the jingle for Ivanka. She says it sounds beautiful, but perhaps a little too classic or old-fashioned. She asks if that's what the execs wanted. Clint admits that they wanted something contemporary. (This risk doesn't worry him.) Ivanka tells us it will be a matter of whether or not Clint listened to the executives. It's a continuing problem for him. He says he wanted something that was lazy and sing-songy and sticks in your head.
Clint comes up with a mildly funny, cutesy idea for the ad, with a running joke about someone who keeps saying "did you know" in a booming voice and is answered with lots of health facts about the product, and then after hearing all the facts, says "I did knot know that!"
They get two voice actors. The woman is the "did you know" voice, and a man recites the facts. Then the woman says "I did not know that!" Jesse says the woman is really good, but the man's voice is too subdued. Joan and Jesse run through it with Jesse doing the "did you know" voice instead. Their version is much better. They turn it back to the voice actors.
After a few seconds of listening to the voice actors some more, Joan and Jesse step outside. Joan says they can do it better themselves. She suggests that they let the actors do another take, then send them home and do the ad themselves. Jesse jokingly replies, "did you know we were going to be better," but Joan totally misses the schtick from their ad and fails to reply "I did not know that!" or even crack a smile. Ah well.
Meanwhile, Clint works on the slow version of his jingle. Joan wants him to bless the commercial so she can go home and go to bed. Clint has a hard time tearing himself away from the jingle, but once he does, Jesse and Joan do the commercial. After two takes in just seven minutes, Clint seems happy with the commercial and goes back to his music.
Next morning, they rehearse for the presentation. Joan wants to walk the sign past the execs while he sings. He doesn't really want to discuss it. Joan gets grumpy. She suggests the cluck-cluck-cluck-splash again. In light of that, he's now in favor of her walking the sign past as long as she does so silently. Offended, she tells him she's the world's number one icon in comedy. He tells us that she needed to be reined in. He nixes the cluck-splash thing yet again.
Jesse introduces Clint, but does not provide a long preamble explaining the jingle. Joan walks by with the sign. Clint sings the song with four backup singers. Then they play the commercial. Clint wants to win more money for his charity. Joan walks across the stage with the card again. The execs smile, and Joan feels good about what they did. She doubts that the girls will do better, but she makes some snide comments about Annie anyway.
The postmortem
Trump says Clint had an advantage. Clint says it was his favorite task. He thinks they did well, it's hard to know what the executives will like, but he feels proud. He thinks they took a chance with with the ad because of the "outrageous voiceover style."
Trump asks Annie if they were at a disadvantage competing with Clint. Annie says they found their hearts and decided together that they were going to do it. They did the ad first to get their confidence up, but they still think the jingle is better.
Trump wants to hear Athena's jingle. They sing along with the recording. Annie and Brande sing along. Then they play the commercial. Annie is proud of Brande. Joan admits that it's adorable. Clint says he's not surprised. He believes that "everybody has music in them." Trump agrees that Annie has some musical ability, but Brande doesn't!
Jesse likes KOTU's ad better. Joan doesn't like straight commercials. Trump asks Joan if she likes their jingle. She says yes, she is still humming it. They listen to the KOTU jingle. Annie looks smug. Clint smirks. They play the commercial. Annie says theirs is very different, and it depends on what the execs want.
Junior says the execs thought Athena matched all of the criteria in the jingle, and they liked the moms talking about fast freshness and convenience. However, although they mentioned the cups, they didn't mention the pouches. Trump is surprised that they put tuna in a pouch, and Junior has to explain that tuna is sold in pouches.
Ivanka says the execs loved the KOTU jingle's performance, and they liked the focus on naturalness and health, and they loved the comedy in Joan's commercial. But they didn't think that everybody likes country music, and there wasn't enough focus on the convenience of the product.
Trump says the executives preferred Annie and Brande's work. They respected Clint, and they loved the song, they loved his voice, they loved his performance, but they thought the country music was too limited for the group of people they were trying to reach. Clint says that's fair.
Athena wins. Annie gets another $20,000 for Refugees International. Annie weeps for joy. She's almost speechless with delight. Trump sends them out of the suite. Annie is still sniffling. She and Brande are both crying.
Outside, Annie tells Brande that when she heard that Clint's was country, she knew they had a chance. Annie is crows about beating Clint Black in a songwriting contest. She brags that she was never brought back into the board room, and she's raised 30% of the money in the game.
Brande is stunned. She can't believe she's in the final four. She thinks it's pretty funny now that Joan called her a dumb blonde.
The boardroom
Trump says he loves Clint's jingle. Maybe he even likes it better than Annie's, but the decision was up to the executives. Ivanka did like Clint's better, and was surprised that they lost. She says it comes down to listening to the executives and their message. They only mentioned the product name once, while Athena mentioned it three times. Joan says Athena's was more peppy, but KOTU's is easier to sing. Annie and Brande gripe in the suite that everyone was singing theirs all day.
Jesse says they worked together and didn't fight, but it still wasn't a "creative working environment" and they couldn't argue with Clint because he's acclaimed as a country star. Trump asks if Clint listened to their ideas. Jesse says a little bit - they got him to record some faster versions, but they didn't use those.
Junior asks if they could have gotten more into the jingle if they'd gone faster. Trump asks Joan why the commercial didn't talk about convenience. Not answering the question, Joan says it needed a punchline, but Clint wouldn't let her do it. Joan explains about the cluck cluck cluck splash. Trump doesn't smile. Brande and Annie think it's awful. Clint says he didn't want to put that image on their product.
Ivanka says they thought it was funny already, and if they'd gone a step further, the execs probably wouldn't have liked it. So they probably did the right thing there.
Trump asks Joan who he would fire. She doesn't want to answer, but Clint tells her it won't hurt his feelings. She says it would be Clint.
Trump says Joan wanted more "snap" in the jingle, and maybe that's one of the reasons they didn't win. Trump says Clint has lost before and he "really called" this one, so Clint is fired.
In the suite, Annie laughs that he just got beat by a poker player who's never sung anything in her life.
Clint tells us he knew he was going as soon as Athena won. He tells Joan to stop being mean to people. He says he learned about his people skills and that "life is too short to be around people that you don't enjoy." He doesn't have time for anything that isn't good for him.
Annie dreads Joan's return to the suite. She wants to celebrate being in the final four, but she feels that Joan is ruining the admosphere. Jesse makes congratulatory small talk with Annie and Brande. Joan gripes to us that Annie spells team "TIIIIIIEAM."
Annie feels sorry for Clint. Jesse says it's easier to be friends than to fight the whole time. Isn't that right? he asks Joan. Joan doesn't take the bait and walks out of the room. Jesse says, "I guess it's just me and you bitches" to Annie and Brande. He offers to play checkers with them. Three-way checkers? Annie says it was like there was a cancer in the room, and then the cancer walked out of the room and she is so proud of herself.
The final four
They are called down to the board room so that Trump can fire two more people. They'll each be interviewed by Piers Morgan. Trump says he was criticized last year for picking him as the winner, but he's going to strongly rely on Piers.
Brande
Piers tells Brande that some people say she's not the smartest tool in the box; it's insulting. She replies that Joan said that Annie said that, but Annie denies it, and Joan even said during the earlier tasks that Brande was the star in the challenges. She knows she's bright.
He says everyone likes her, and nobody likes him, but he won. Does she think that being Miss Nice Guy will win her the whole thing? She says no, that's how she is; she's just nice.
He asks if winning would be a big two fingers up to people who don't approve of her background and fight the dumb-blonde stereotype. She says yeah, sure. She wants to win for her kids, but that would be nice too. She'll defend herself to the very end, whatever it takes to win.
Piers tells Trump that she's not smart enough, and it would demean the show if she made the final. She's not up for it.
Joan
Trump asks about Joan. Piers thinks that she's smart, and has a lot of stamina for her age.
Joan loves having a task and doing it fast. Piers tells Joan she's a survivor, but the others are saying she's a quitter because of the way she reacted to how Melissa was treated. She says she's not a quitter; at 75 she's accomplished a lot, and she has the principles to defend her daughter above everything else because it's family first even over Trump's judgment. Her family were all killed by Nazis, and she doesn't like Annie, and it's Melissa and her against the world.
He asks if she doesn't like Annie because she's a poker player. Joan says that's all she is, a poker player, and she's manipulative. Piers says she's the best in the world, and she's playing Joan like a viola. Joan says she's a "mean, vicious, divide-and-conquer person." Piers asks if she regrets calling her Hitler. Joan says yes, because she doesn't have a mustache. She should've called her Eva Braun.
Piers asks what Joan would do if it was her versus Annie. Joan says she'd kill to win. She'd roll all ball up a hill with no arms and legs and even with her tongue to win.
Piers tells Trump that her attack on Annie is "extraordinary" and over-the-top. He doens't think the mother-and-daughter relationship should come into a business competition. Trump says that for her age, the energy is amazing. Piers agrees.
Annie
Piers tells Trump that Annie is she's probably the smartest contestant in a long time. (There have been only two seasons of Celebrity Apprentice.) Trump says she seems nice, but she's probably not, and they really go after her.
Piers interviews Annie. He asks what she thinks about being the one to beat. She says she's played the game as well as she can, and very committed charity. She'll ask anybody anything in order to raise money for charity. As for Joan, she's pretty much everything she says about anyone in the board room. She's very personal. Annie chooses not to be personal. They're just different styles about how they talk. She never gets upset or personal in the boardroom.
Piers asks if she thinks she's smarter than others. Annie says, for example, that they were crazy to let her project-manage a fund-raising task because they know from past experience that she would never be fired for losing one. They don't understand the game, and she's good at games. There's none of this Joan-and-Melissa stuff.
Piers tells Trump that for Joan to be so personal is every poker player's dream. As long as Annie has the money, she doesn't care what you say about her.
Jesse
Piers complains to Trump that Jesse doesn't bring in any money despite his showbiz connections. Sandra Bullock chose him, so he must have something going on.
Jesse tells Piers he wants to prove that working-class regular people can achieve the same things as someone with a suit. Piers says he doesn't lead a working-class lifestyle; he's married to a movie star, he has a glamorous life. Jesse says it's a pretty regular life, and he happens to have a wife that does a certain job.
Piers doesn't understand how he was able to land Sandra Bullock. He asks Jesse if he wants to win. Jesse wants to win. Piers asks why he won't call up rich famous friends and ask them for cash. Are they stingy, or is he irritated that he should hammer his wife for money? Jesse says he keeps his personal life personal.
Piers says it's for charity. Jesse understands, but he's been busting his ass doing his job and other peoples jobs. Piers says it's mostly about raising money for charity. Jesse says it's primarily about getting a job done and not fighting with teammates. If you win the task, then you don't get fired.
Piers tells Trump that Jesse looked like he wanted to kill him with his bare hands when he talked about getting money from his wife, and Piers would like to see some of that energy in the game.
Piers says that whoever does get to the finale deserves to be there because they would've gone through "one of the toughest things that any human being should ever go through."
Wow, what a lightweight thing to say. A lot of people are out of work right now and/or losing their homes. The troubles of a bunch of petty bickering celebrities doesn't really compare with that.
Another boardroom
Annie says Piers was awesome. She feels she deserves to be in the final two because she won the most of any project manager. She had two wins, and her last one was against insurmountable odds. She raised 30% of the money on a 16-man show (earlier she said 40% in her eight-person team). Her team lost only three times, and nobody ever brought her back to the boardroom. She worked hard on every task and would most like to compete against Joan, who would be the easiest to beat in terms of fundraising. Ivanka asks what about Jesse. Annie backpedals and says yeah him too, but she's surprised that Joan's friends aren't ponying up money. She feels bad for Joan. Joan doesn't want her to feel sorry for her.
Trump asks Annie if she's always had that edge. He says says people don't like her that much. Annie disagrees. She's had a lot of good friends show up with money at the drop of a hat. Trump says the final task might not be about fund raising. There are other things in life. She says she can do them.
Trump asks Brande if she thinks she can compete with Annie. Brande says yes, in fact she's the only one who can. Joan disagrees and doesn't think Brande even knows what she's saying right now. Joan thinks that if Brande looked like Joan she wouldn't be sitting here right now.
Trump asks Brande why she deserves to be in the final two. She thinks she's worked the hardest in this game. She's raised the second-most money there, and she put her heart into it. Junior asks if she could compete with any of the other three. She says that's what she does for a living, she raises money for charity, invites celebrities to events, and throws events. It's what she's best at. Ivanka says that Brande uses Annie as a crutch. In light of that, can she beat Annie? Brande says yes, there's no question.
Trump asks Brande if she's been riding Annie's coattails. Brande doesn't think so. Trump asks Annie. Annie hedges, she says she's capable on her own, but Annie feels she was more instrumental in their wins. Joan thinks that Brande has been riding Annie's coattails. Annie lists all the great things that Brande did for the jingle task.
Trump says Piers wasn't as impressed with her. Brande says they only met for two minutes. Trump says Piers thought it would be an embarrassment for her to be in the final two. Trump disagrees and thinks she's fantastic, and she's done everything right, and she has exceeded everybody's expectations. But he doesn't think she has what it takes to become the celebrity apprentice so she's fired.
Brande thought she should be in the finale and and she's bummed.
Trump asks Jesse if he's been holding back. Jesse says he's not a salesman and doesn't like to tell everybody how great he is. He likes to work hard, and Trump is judging just by what he sees in the board room. He's not as low-key as Trump thinks. He likes to get his hands dirty. Joan nods in agreement.
Trump asks Joan if she has stamina, because Piers questioned that. Joan says she's faced challenges all her life. Annie agrees and has lots of respect for her. (Joan rolls her eyes.) She thinks Joan is an amazing worker and she hopes that she has as much energy as that.
Ivanka asks Joan what's her strategy if she's in the final two and she's a weaker fund raiser. Joan says she'll make up the difference in other aspects of the competition. She'll ask her donors again and tell them what's at stake. Trump asks her what it would mean to her to be in the final two. She says it means more money for her charity.
Trump asks Jesse what it would mean to him, to win. He says the other two are both professionals and he's a blue-collar worker. Jesse loves Joan, but he thinks this competition is bigger than Joan, there are things she doesn't do.
Joan says she has done everything that's been put in front of her. She's 75 and she's never failed. She's been down three times and come back each time stronger than ever.
Trump says Piers didn't like Jesse. He preferred Joan and Annie. Trump asks Jesse what Piers doesn't see in him. Jesse says maybe it's about the politics. Why would he raise all of his money on the first task? Why would he let people know he's a strong fundraiser right from the beginning? Trump asks if he's saving all of his stuff for the punch at at the end of the show.
Trump asks if Sandra Bullock will be at the finale. Jesse coyly says it's possible.
Trump asks Annie if it bothers her that Jesse hasn't raised any money. She thinks every single charity is important, whether it's for him to win or not.
Ivanka asks if it's a good strategy to save all of your ammo for the last competition, because maybe you'll never get to use it.
Trump says that Piers didn't get it. Sandra Bullock figured him out, and Trump thinks that she made a good choice. Trump respects that Jesse didn't use his wife, but he's also he's disappointed since it's for charity.
Trump thinks maybe Jesse wouldn't use her even in the final, so Jesse is fired. Damn.
Joan looks like she's just been stabbed. Jesse tells us he showed what a good job a welder from Long Beach could do.
Trump congratulates Annie and Joan. Joan gripes about playing against Annie. Joan says she'll put on blinders and do everything she can to win. Annie tries to be gracious, but Joan wants to get up and walk away, so Trump tells Annie not to bother complimenting her. Annie tells us that Joan isn't a nice person, and this time, it's personal!
Next week - the three-hour finale.
KOTU: Jesse and Joan, led by Clint
Athena: Brande, led by Annie
Eyes and Ears: Ivanka and Junior
Outcome: Athena wins for giving the executives what they wanted
Fired: Clint, for failing to listen; Brande, for for not having what it takes; and Jesse, for holding back on fundraising.
Donation: $20,000 to Refugees International.
I'll point out that even though Melissa claimed last week that she was suffering from torn tendons, she had no trouble scampering around to make a scene after she was fired. Now to the present.
Jesse doesn't think Joan will come back. Annie and Brande vent about Melissa and Joan. Brande hopes Joan comes back so she can beat her.
Clint talks about his charity. Rett Syndrome claimed the life of his niece Courtney at age 16. She wasn't able to take care of herself or communicate for her entire life. He calls his brother, Kevin. Clint doesn't know that Kevin is right outside the door. He comes into the room, surprising Clint. Clint gives his brother the check. Kevin is touched. They hug.
The teams meet for the next task, minus Joan. Trump comes in with his son and daughter and two executives from a tuna company. Joan steps off the elevator, saying her taxi was late but her team shouldn't suffer for something that's personal. She came back to win. Trump congratulates her and says if somebody did something to his kids, they would have a problem. Annie gripes to us and calls Joan a complete bitch.
The tuna jingle is more than 50 years old. The teams need to compose a new jingle using some of the old lyrics, as well as a 30-second radio ad. Annie laughs and whispers to Brande that Clint won a Grammy award. Brande wonders how they'll compete with that. She tells us, "holy S-R-A-P." She laughs. (She meant to say "crap" and spell "shit," but she got mixed up. Sorry, but I couldn't "foregoo" the chance to make fun!)
Annie asks if they can have Clint for their project manager. Annie is going to be the project manager because Brande was last time. Joan nominates Clint as their project manager. They all think he will do well.
Joan says Clint should be the project manager for KOTU, and she and Jesse can work on the commercial. Jesse says he likes Clint now, so he can be the project manager. Joan think she'll do a funny ad. I'm not sure where this leaves Jesse.
Athena prepares
Annie and Brande are both upset, because neither is musically inclined. Brande is worried about a trip to the boardroom, but they feel a little better after doing some research at the website.
They are the first to meet with the executives. They are told that their biggest decision makers are women with families. Annie asks for three key words to describe the product. The execs say natural, healthy, and convenient. Annie feels confident about the commercial; it'll be moms having a conversation at a soccer game. She's still nervous about the jingle.
Athena goes to the studio. They compare singing voices. Brande's is even worse than Annie's. Brande laughs so hard that she cries. (I give her credit for being able to laugh at herself - something many of her competitors, especially Claudia and Melissa, were unable to do.) They struggle with lyrics and rhyming. Annie suggests "why don't you smell my rubber glove" to rhyme with "for the ones you love." Annie feels better after blowing off a little steam during the van ride.
Annie finally comes up with some lyrics for the jingle. They're about moms feeding lunch to their kids. Brande attempts to sing it, which makes it sound awful. Annie comes up with text for the ad too, and finally gets it down to 30 seconds. Brande sings in jubilation.
Junior visits Athena. Annie says they're not despairing even though the other team has Clint. Junior asks them what they can do that KOTU can't. Annie says they're usually better than KOTU at branding. She's a mother who feeds her kids. But she's worried because the client is looking for a jingle, and Clint is singing the other team's jingle. Junior tries to encourage them. Brande asks him if he wants her to wear a mermaid costume tomorrow. He replies, "as skimpy as possible." Somehow he sounds less smarmy than his father when he talks that way.
Brande and an actress read through the commercial in the recording booth. Annie trusts that Brande will do a good job even though she's not very creative.
Annie works with the musician to get a tune. It's coming along, but Annie is getting discouraged. Then, suddenly, they seem to have a jingle. Annie notices that the musicians in the room the musicians also seem to like it. It's upbeat and jingle-icious. Annie is proud of herself for having written a song. She says she's written an amazing jingle. She gloats that Clint won't do much better.
The next day, Annie and Brande are excited as they prepare for the presentation and run through the jingle with their singer.
Annie over-explains the jingle to the execs, saying that it's perky and stresses trust, health, freshness, and convenience. It's both nostalgic and contemporary, and they have a woman singing the jingle because of their customer base. Maddy comes out and sings the song. Then Annie introduces the radio spot and explains that to them too. Brande thinks the presentation went well. Annie walks off to the sound of their jingle. Annie is proud of herself for overcoming her self-doubt. If she loses, she'll at least know that she did something incredible. Brande weeps with relief afterwards.
KOTU prepares
Clint asks the execs about "bullet points" and the use of humor. They tell him to communicate health, convenience, and fun. One of the execs recognizes that Clint has different skills than the other team and has high expectations.
Jesse says he needs to figure out how to work with Clint. He has a Nashville-themed suggestion for the jingle, which Joan nixes already. Clint asks for more ideas. Joan predicts that the commercial will not be funny, and that she will be upset, and they will lose.
Clint is excited that they'll be working in a studio instead of a kitchen or a loft. Joan and Jesse work on the commercial. Clint starts working on the song. He starts each line with "naturally," because part of their message was about the products being good for you naturally. It's a very, very mellow tune. Joan and Jesse like it. Joan says it was a magical moment and Jesse says it's catchy.
Clint works with the band. Joan asks Jesse if it shouldn't be a little more peppy. Jesse agrees about the tempo. Joan encourages Jesse to make the recommendation to Clint before it's too late. Jesse realizes that Joan is using him to make the suggestions. He suggests that they do a faster version and Clint agrees. It's faster, but still very mellow.
Clint thinks the faster version sounds too hurried. He believes he's gotten better at "making the team feel like I am listening," but he reserves the right to say no to their ideas. He tells the band he doesn't like the slower version. Joan makes a face.
Joan wants a clucking chicken and a splash at the end of KOTU's jingle. Clint laughs, but refuses to put it in the ad. He's worried that the executives would be offended by making fun of their image and doesn't want to take the risk.
He plays the jingle for Ivanka. She says it sounds beautiful, but perhaps a little too classic or old-fashioned. She asks if that's what the execs wanted. Clint admits that they wanted something contemporary. (This risk doesn't worry him.) Ivanka tells us it will be a matter of whether or not Clint listened to the executives. It's a continuing problem for him. He says he wanted something that was lazy and sing-songy and sticks in your head.
Clint comes up with a mildly funny, cutesy idea for the ad, with a running joke about someone who keeps saying "did you know" in a booming voice and is answered with lots of health facts about the product, and then after hearing all the facts, says "I did knot know that!"
They get two voice actors. The woman is the "did you know" voice, and a man recites the facts. Then the woman says "I did not know that!" Jesse says the woman is really good, but the man's voice is too subdued. Joan and Jesse run through it with Jesse doing the "did you know" voice instead. Their version is much better. They turn it back to the voice actors.
After a few seconds of listening to the voice actors some more, Joan and Jesse step outside. Joan says they can do it better themselves. She suggests that they let the actors do another take, then send them home and do the ad themselves. Jesse jokingly replies, "did you know we were going to be better," but Joan totally misses the schtick from their ad and fails to reply "I did not know that!" or even crack a smile. Ah well.
Meanwhile, Clint works on the slow version of his jingle. Joan wants him to bless the commercial so she can go home and go to bed. Clint has a hard time tearing himself away from the jingle, but once he does, Jesse and Joan do the commercial. After two takes in just seven minutes, Clint seems happy with the commercial and goes back to his music.
Next morning, they rehearse for the presentation. Joan wants to walk the sign past the execs while he sings. He doesn't really want to discuss it. Joan gets grumpy. She suggests the cluck-cluck-cluck-splash again. In light of that, he's now in favor of her walking the sign past as long as she does so silently. Offended, she tells him she's the world's number one icon in comedy. He tells us that she needed to be reined in. He nixes the cluck-splash thing yet again.
Jesse introduces Clint, but does not provide a long preamble explaining the jingle. Joan walks by with the sign. Clint sings the song with four backup singers. Then they play the commercial. Clint wants to win more money for his charity. Joan walks across the stage with the card again. The execs smile, and Joan feels good about what they did. She doubts that the girls will do better, but she makes some snide comments about Annie anyway.
The postmortem
Trump says Clint had an advantage. Clint says it was his favorite task. He thinks they did well, it's hard to know what the executives will like, but he feels proud. He thinks they took a chance with with the ad because of the "outrageous voiceover style."
Trump asks Annie if they were at a disadvantage competing with Clint. Annie says they found their hearts and decided together that they were going to do it. They did the ad first to get their confidence up, but they still think the jingle is better.
Trump wants to hear Athena's jingle. They sing along with the recording. Annie and Brande sing along. Then they play the commercial. Annie is proud of Brande. Joan admits that it's adorable. Clint says he's not surprised. He believes that "everybody has music in them." Trump agrees that Annie has some musical ability, but Brande doesn't!
Jesse likes KOTU's ad better. Joan doesn't like straight commercials. Trump asks Joan if she likes their jingle. She says yes, she is still humming it. They listen to the KOTU jingle. Annie looks smug. Clint smirks. They play the commercial. Annie says theirs is very different, and it depends on what the execs want.
Junior says the execs thought Athena matched all of the criteria in the jingle, and they liked the moms talking about fast freshness and convenience. However, although they mentioned the cups, they didn't mention the pouches. Trump is surprised that they put tuna in a pouch, and Junior has to explain that tuna is sold in pouches.
Ivanka says the execs loved the KOTU jingle's performance, and they liked the focus on naturalness and health, and they loved the comedy in Joan's commercial. But they didn't think that everybody likes country music, and there wasn't enough focus on the convenience of the product.
Trump says the executives preferred Annie and Brande's work. They respected Clint, and they loved the song, they loved his voice, they loved his performance, but they thought the country music was too limited for the group of people they were trying to reach. Clint says that's fair.
Athena wins. Annie gets another $20,000 for Refugees International. Annie weeps for joy. She's almost speechless with delight. Trump sends them out of the suite. Annie is still sniffling. She and Brande are both crying.
Outside, Annie tells Brande that when she heard that Clint's was country, she knew they had a chance. Annie is crows about beating Clint Black in a songwriting contest. She brags that she was never brought back into the board room, and she's raised 30% of the money in the game.
Brande is stunned. She can't believe she's in the final four. She thinks it's pretty funny now that Joan called her a dumb blonde.
The boardroom
Trump says he loves Clint's jingle. Maybe he even likes it better than Annie's, but the decision was up to the executives. Ivanka did like Clint's better, and was surprised that they lost. She says it comes down to listening to the executives and their message. They only mentioned the product name once, while Athena mentioned it three times. Joan says Athena's was more peppy, but KOTU's is easier to sing. Annie and Brande gripe in the suite that everyone was singing theirs all day.
Jesse says they worked together and didn't fight, but it still wasn't a "creative working environment" and they couldn't argue with Clint because he's acclaimed as a country star. Trump asks if Clint listened to their ideas. Jesse says a little bit - they got him to record some faster versions, but they didn't use those.
Junior asks if they could have gotten more into the jingle if they'd gone faster. Trump asks Joan why the commercial didn't talk about convenience. Not answering the question, Joan says it needed a punchline, but Clint wouldn't let her do it. Joan explains about the cluck cluck cluck splash. Trump doesn't smile. Brande and Annie think it's awful. Clint says he didn't want to put that image on their product.
Ivanka says they thought it was funny already, and if they'd gone a step further, the execs probably wouldn't have liked it. So they probably did the right thing there.
Trump asks Joan who he would fire. She doesn't want to answer, but Clint tells her it won't hurt his feelings. She says it would be Clint.
Trump says Joan wanted more "snap" in the jingle, and maybe that's one of the reasons they didn't win. Trump says Clint has lost before and he "really called" this one, so Clint is fired.
In the suite, Annie laughs that he just got beat by a poker player who's never sung anything in her life.
Clint tells us he knew he was going as soon as Athena won. He tells Joan to stop being mean to people. He says he learned about his people skills and that "life is too short to be around people that you don't enjoy." He doesn't have time for anything that isn't good for him.
Annie dreads Joan's return to the suite. She wants to celebrate being in the final four, but she feels that Joan is ruining the admosphere. Jesse makes congratulatory small talk with Annie and Brande. Joan gripes to us that Annie spells team "TIIIIIIEAM."
Annie feels sorry for Clint. Jesse says it's easier to be friends than to fight the whole time. Isn't that right? he asks Joan. Joan doesn't take the bait and walks out of the room. Jesse says, "I guess it's just me and you bitches" to Annie and Brande. He offers to play checkers with them. Three-way checkers? Annie says it was like there was a cancer in the room, and then the cancer walked out of the room and she is so proud of herself.
The final four
They are called down to the board room so that Trump can fire two more people. They'll each be interviewed by Piers Morgan. Trump says he was criticized last year for picking him as the winner, but he's going to strongly rely on Piers.
Brande
Piers tells Brande that some people say she's not the smartest tool in the box; it's insulting. She replies that Joan said that Annie said that, but Annie denies it, and Joan even said during the earlier tasks that Brande was the star in the challenges. She knows she's bright.
He says everyone likes her, and nobody likes him, but he won. Does she think that being Miss Nice Guy will win her the whole thing? She says no, that's how she is; she's just nice.
He asks if winning would be a big two fingers up to people who don't approve of her background and fight the dumb-blonde stereotype. She says yeah, sure. She wants to win for her kids, but that would be nice too. She'll defend herself to the very end, whatever it takes to win.
Piers tells Trump that she's not smart enough, and it would demean the show if she made the final. She's not up for it.
Joan
Trump asks about Joan. Piers thinks that she's smart, and has a lot of stamina for her age.
Joan loves having a task and doing it fast. Piers tells Joan she's a survivor, but the others are saying she's a quitter because of the way she reacted to how Melissa was treated. She says she's not a quitter; at 75 she's accomplished a lot, and she has the principles to defend her daughter above everything else because it's family first even over Trump's judgment. Her family were all killed by Nazis, and she doesn't like Annie, and it's Melissa and her against the world.
He asks if she doesn't like Annie because she's a poker player. Joan says that's all she is, a poker player, and she's manipulative. Piers says she's the best in the world, and she's playing Joan like a viola. Joan says she's a "mean, vicious, divide-and-conquer person." Piers asks if she regrets calling her Hitler. Joan says yes, because she doesn't have a mustache. She should've called her Eva Braun.
Piers asks what Joan would do if it was her versus Annie. Joan says she'd kill to win. She'd roll all ball up a hill with no arms and legs and even with her tongue to win.
Piers tells Trump that her attack on Annie is "extraordinary" and over-the-top. He doens't think the mother-and-daughter relationship should come into a business competition. Trump says that for her age, the energy is amazing. Piers agrees.
Annie
Piers tells Trump that Annie is she's probably the smartest contestant in a long time. (There have been only two seasons of Celebrity Apprentice.) Trump says she seems nice, but she's probably not, and they really go after her.
Piers interviews Annie. He asks what she thinks about being the one to beat. She says she's played the game as well as she can, and very committed charity. She'll ask anybody anything in order to raise money for charity. As for Joan, she's pretty much everything she says about anyone in the board room. She's very personal. Annie chooses not to be personal. They're just different styles about how they talk. She never gets upset or personal in the boardroom.
Piers asks if she thinks she's smarter than others. Annie says, for example, that they were crazy to let her project-manage a fund-raising task because they know from past experience that she would never be fired for losing one. They don't understand the game, and she's good at games. There's none of this Joan-and-Melissa stuff.
Piers tells Trump that for Joan to be so personal is every poker player's dream. As long as Annie has the money, she doesn't care what you say about her.
Jesse
Piers complains to Trump that Jesse doesn't bring in any money despite his showbiz connections. Sandra Bullock chose him, so he must have something going on.
Jesse tells Piers he wants to prove that working-class regular people can achieve the same things as someone with a suit. Piers says he doesn't lead a working-class lifestyle; he's married to a movie star, he has a glamorous life. Jesse says it's a pretty regular life, and he happens to have a wife that does a certain job.
Piers doesn't understand how he was able to land Sandra Bullock. He asks Jesse if he wants to win. Jesse wants to win. Piers asks why he won't call up rich famous friends and ask them for cash. Are they stingy, or is he irritated that he should hammer his wife for money? Jesse says he keeps his personal life personal.
Piers says it's for charity. Jesse understands, but he's been busting his ass doing his job and other peoples jobs. Piers says it's mostly about raising money for charity. Jesse says it's primarily about getting a job done and not fighting with teammates. If you win the task, then you don't get fired.
Piers tells Trump that Jesse looked like he wanted to kill him with his bare hands when he talked about getting money from his wife, and Piers would like to see some of that energy in the game.
Piers says that whoever does get to the finale deserves to be there because they would've gone through "one of the toughest things that any human being should ever go through."
Wow, what a lightweight thing to say. A lot of people are out of work right now and/or losing their homes. The troubles of a bunch of petty bickering celebrities doesn't really compare with that.
Another boardroom
Annie says Piers was awesome. She feels she deserves to be in the final two because she won the most of any project manager. She had two wins, and her last one was against insurmountable odds. She raised 30% of the money on a 16-man show (earlier she said 40% in her eight-person team). Her team lost only three times, and nobody ever brought her back to the boardroom. She worked hard on every task and would most like to compete against Joan, who would be the easiest to beat in terms of fundraising. Ivanka asks what about Jesse. Annie backpedals and says yeah him too, but she's surprised that Joan's friends aren't ponying up money. She feels bad for Joan. Joan doesn't want her to feel sorry for her.
Trump asks Annie if she's always had that edge. He says says people don't like her that much. Annie disagrees. She's had a lot of good friends show up with money at the drop of a hat. Trump says the final task might not be about fund raising. There are other things in life. She says she can do them.
Trump asks Brande if she thinks she can compete with Annie. Brande says yes, in fact she's the only one who can. Joan disagrees and doesn't think Brande even knows what she's saying right now. Joan thinks that if Brande looked like Joan she wouldn't be sitting here right now.
Trump asks Brande why she deserves to be in the final two. She thinks she's worked the hardest in this game. She's raised the second-most money there, and she put her heart into it. Junior asks if she could compete with any of the other three. She says that's what she does for a living, she raises money for charity, invites celebrities to events, and throws events. It's what she's best at. Ivanka says that Brande uses Annie as a crutch. In light of that, can she beat Annie? Brande says yes, there's no question.
Trump asks Brande if she's been riding Annie's coattails. Brande doesn't think so. Trump asks Annie. Annie hedges, she says she's capable on her own, but Annie feels she was more instrumental in their wins. Joan thinks that Brande has been riding Annie's coattails. Annie lists all the great things that Brande did for the jingle task.
Trump says Piers wasn't as impressed with her. Brande says they only met for two minutes. Trump says Piers thought it would be an embarrassment for her to be in the final two. Trump disagrees and thinks she's fantastic, and she's done everything right, and she has exceeded everybody's expectations. But he doesn't think she has what it takes to become the celebrity apprentice so she's fired.
Brande thought she should be in the finale and and she's bummed.
Trump asks Jesse if he's been holding back. Jesse says he's not a salesman and doesn't like to tell everybody how great he is. He likes to work hard, and Trump is judging just by what he sees in the board room. He's not as low-key as Trump thinks. He likes to get his hands dirty. Joan nods in agreement.
Trump asks Joan if she has stamina, because Piers questioned that. Joan says she's faced challenges all her life. Annie agrees and has lots of respect for her. (Joan rolls her eyes.) She thinks Joan is an amazing worker and she hopes that she has as much energy as that.
Ivanka asks Joan what's her strategy if she's in the final two and she's a weaker fund raiser. Joan says she'll make up the difference in other aspects of the competition. She'll ask her donors again and tell them what's at stake. Trump asks her what it would mean to her to be in the final two. She says it means more money for her charity.
Trump asks Jesse what it would mean to him, to win. He says the other two are both professionals and he's a blue-collar worker. Jesse loves Joan, but he thinks this competition is bigger than Joan, there are things she doesn't do.
Joan says she has done everything that's been put in front of her. She's 75 and she's never failed. She's been down three times and come back each time stronger than ever.
Trump says Piers didn't like Jesse. He preferred Joan and Annie. Trump asks Jesse what Piers doesn't see in him. Jesse says maybe it's about the politics. Why would he raise all of his money on the first task? Why would he let people know he's a strong fundraiser right from the beginning? Trump asks if he's saving all of his stuff for the punch at at the end of the show.
Trump asks if Sandra Bullock will be at the finale. Jesse coyly says it's possible.
Trump asks Annie if it bothers her that Jesse hasn't raised any money. She thinks every single charity is important, whether it's for him to win or not.
Ivanka asks if it's a good strategy to save all of your ammo for the last competition, because maybe you'll never get to use it.
Trump says that Piers didn't get it. Sandra Bullock figured him out, and Trump thinks that she made a good choice. Trump respects that Jesse didn't use his wife, but he's also he's disappointed since it's for charity.
Trump thinks maybe Jesse wouldn't use her even in the final, so Jesse is fired. Damn.
Joan looks like she's just been stabbed. Jesse tells us he showed what a good job a welder from Long Beach could do.
Trump congratulates Annie and Joan. Joan gripes about playing against Annie. Joan says she'll put on blinders and do everything she can to win. Annie tries to be gracious, but Joan wants to get up and walk away, so Trump tells Annie not to bother complimenting her. Annie tells us that Joan isn't a nice person, and this time, it's personal!
Next week - the three-hour finale.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Celebrity Apprentice, 4/26/2009: The stinky pits of failure
Task: Create a four-page deodorant "advertorial" for a sports magazine, featuring David Lee of the NY Knicks
KOTU: Joan and Jesse, led by Clint
Athena: Melissa and Annie, led by Brande
Eyes and Ears: Jim Cramer and Ivanka Trump
Outcome: KOTU wins because Athena's ad is even worse.
Fired: Melissa, for weak fund-raising. Her charity, Lili Claire Foundation which provides help and support for neuro-genetic conditions, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 to International Rett Syndrome Foundation, which funds research for treatment of the neuro-developmental disorder.
In the suite, Athena watches Herschel get fired. Annie wonders how Clint keeps managing not to get fired. She notices that he doesn't even say goodbye to Herschel. Jesse thinks Clint let Herschel make the wrong decisions on purpose.
Jesse takes his check to his old school, delighting the shop teacher and signing autographs for kids.
Trumps transfers Jesse to KOTU. Melissa gripes to us, because now it's just going to be her and the Brande/Annie Mutual Admiration Society. Jesse tells Trump he was happy winning with Athena, but adds, "I love Joan." He's not so happy to be working with Clint.
The task is to create a four-page deodorant "advertorial" for a sports magazine, featuring David Lee of the NY Knicks. Jim Cramer will be the ears or eyes. Jesse admits he doesn't wear deodorant.
Brande volunteers to lead Athena because she has photo shoot experience and hasn't been project manager in a long time. Clint volunteers to lead KOTU because he's "been successful in the past." (Actually, the one time he was PM before, both his team and the other team lost, and it was another advertising task.)
Athena prepares
Melissa has some brainstorming ideas, which are met with silence. (Literally... no one else is talking.) Annie tells us they were cockamamie ideas that weren't right for a sports magazine and they're going to have to cut her out of the process. Then Annie has the idea to have David Lee be naked, covered only by a basketball. (Melissa had already suggested "posing naked for a photo," but I guess it's not cockamamie if Annie repeats it.)
They meet with the execs, who don't think the idea is too risque. The team bombards the execs with questions. Annie makes faces every time Melissa speaks, even cutting her off in mid-question at one point. Melissa wants to know if there are other design elements they'd like to see besides the product itself, and Annie shuts down that question too. Melissa gripes.
Brande tasks Annie with brand messaging and the presentation. Brande and Melissa will oversee the photo shoot. Yep, Annie is given two tasks while Brande and Melissa will split one. Melissa gripes.
Annie tells them her idea: the ad will show 24 hours of Lee's day, doing things and not visibly sweating. She describes the order of the photos, which I can already tell is not going to work (the naked picture is on page 3 instead of at the end, sort of like giving the punchline 3/4 through a joke). Then Annie asks for Brande's blessing and humbly says she's in charge. Brande tells Annie she's the queen of this stuff. Melissa gripes.
Annie is friends with David Lee. She scouts locations with the photographer and calls Brande to gloat that they'll get to shoot with him first so they'll have more time to put their ad together.
Melissa gripes because Annie and Brande are always talking on the phone when they're apart. Melissa confronts Brande (now that Annie is gone) and says they're shutting her out and conspiring to get rid of her. Brande denies it, inasmuch as Melissa lets her get a word in at all.
Brande says now she's irritated with Melissa.
At a location shoot, Melissa directs the models and thinks she's done her part now to avoid being thrown under the bus. Annie asks Brande if she can do anything else. Brande tells her about the confrontation with Melissa earlier, that Melissa thinks they're "coercing against her." After clarifying that Brande means "conspiring," Annie says Melissa is already conspiring against herself. Both Annie and Brande tell us that Melissa weakens the team.
When Lee shows up, Brande says he's cute and takes over photography. Melissa gripes. Annie talks to Melissa and says hey, Brande gave her all those tasks, she didn't ask for them. Annie tells Melissa that they're having opposite problems. Annie tells us she's manipulating Melissa because she wants to be in the final four.
Jim Cramer comes by. They show him their layout. Annie tells him all of the things she did and the ideas she came up with and that she was tasked with a lot. Melissa gripes. Jim tells us Annie's doing a clever job of positioning herself to take all of the credit and none of the blame.
Jim asks what's the one thing each of them would want him to say on her behalf. Brande wants to be seen as a good leader. Annie wants to be known as having worked her ass off and done amazing branding. Melissa wants to be thought to have visually told a story, and most of all, for their team, she wants to be able to say it was equal. ANNIE GRIPES!! Strenuously!
Next day, Annie does the presentation, wordily explaining their ad. For example, she explains the significance of raised arms in a deodorant commercial. Melissa gripes that Annie was too stiff. You know what, at this point I hate all three of them. I say fire 'em all plus Clint and just skip to the finale with Joan and Jesse.
KOTU prepares
They meet with the execs and ask good questions. However, unlike Athena, they also let the execs talk. They talk about their branding and their trademark orange power stripe. (This was one of the things that Melissa had tried to ask about but was cut short by Annie.) Clint asks if they can have a sexy woman in the ad. Jesse tries to poke his eyes out.
Joan doesn't know much about all this guy stuff. Clint brilliantly says his idea is that David Lee is this guy who sweats but doesn't stink. Jesse researches David Lee. Joan thinks it would be funny for him to be surrounded by tall black guys. (I'm sure that would have been hilarious in, say, the 1950s.) Or have him be naked and paint an orange stripe down his body to look like the deodorant. Jesse thinks Lee could be the new small-town kid in the big city, with the tall buildings towering over him but he's not breaking a sweat. They'll run the orange stripe along the bottom of the ad. Clint thinks this idea doesn't "meet the criteria," but his own slogan ideas are trite, generic, and very wordy. Jesse tries to commit suicide by stuffing a deodorant stick in his mouth. (I'd do screen grabs if I had the technology.)
The photographer shows up. Jesse asks Clint again if he wants to include the NY cityscape. Clint agrees to let Jesse get those pictures.
Contrary to Annie's believe that getting Lee first will give them more time to work on the layout, KOTU begins laying out the ad before Lee arrives. In the studio, they take test shots using other guys (including Clint) as stand-ins for Lee. Clint puts it all together with some of Jesse's ideas.
Ivanka comes by to check up. Joan says Clint has become a 12 to 18% better listener, while Jesse is nonargumentative and "picks his battles." Clint believes that Jesse is trying to let Clint hang himself. Joan agrees that this could be the case. Clint thinks Jesse didn't give enough feedback.
Jesse tells us they're going to lose. He has "that feeling of doom" and thinks Clint is holding them back with his lack of talent.
Clint is stuffing as much text into the ad as possible and insisting on a lot of additional visual clutter. Jesse hints that there might be too much text. Joan protests; he blows her off. Jesse notes that there are two deodorant sticks where the World Trade Center used to be.
Clint worries that he didn't add enough text. Jesse refuses to reply. Clint tells us he used some of Joan's and Jesse's ideas even though they weren't great.
Jesse asks Joan when she thinks he should start arguing with Clint. Joan tells him to speak up now, but Jesse keeps quiet and tries to choke himself on that deodorant stick again.
Clint directs the photo shoot with David Lee. Clint has him and the model squashed together at the end of a couch. Jesse thinks he's doing it wrong and finally speaks up, but Clint wants the deodorant to dominate the picture.
Annie sticks her nose in to be nosy. Joan gripes.
Jesse says the layout sucks. Joan asks him what he would change. Jesse says delete the whole thing and do it the way he said in the first place. Clint doesn't understand what Jesse wants. Jesse scolds Clint for not listening to him at the beginning. Clint accuses Jesse of sitting on it for too long and says Jesse's idea wasn't that good. Jesse calls him a pussy (the audio is bleeped, but it's in the captions) for not owning his own idea.
Joan thinks Clint is actually making great progress in terms of accepting other people's ideas, but Jesse doesn't understand how far he's come. Jesse calls him stupid, untalented, etc. repeatedly and gloats out loud that Clint will be fired. Joan says Clint and Jesse sound like her first marriage.
Next day, Clint delivers the presentation, explaining his ad, which makes it a little less confusing but not more appealing. (The ad itself is indescribably bad, but I'd just like to point out that I haven't even attempted to describe the Athena ad.) Jesse gripes.
Judgment
The execs tell Trump that both teams did well. (I take it their employer doesn't offer a vision care plan.) KOTU did good branding with the orange motif. They didn't do a good job linking Lee to his team.
Athena's pictures are good and so is their branding and the NBA thing. But they didn't like the order of the pictures. The best picture (only waist-up, naked, the ball is in front of his chest) is buried on page 3.
The postmortem
Annie and Melissa praise Brande as a leader.
Jesse says KOTU wasn't much of a team because Clint underutilized him and Joan. Clint doesn't realize what he can't do, while Jesse owns a magazine. He couldn't communicate with Clint. Clint says he used Jesse's ideas and was confused when Jesse didn't like how it ended up looking. Clint says Jesse's not a team player.
Joan says it was hard to be a team player. Jesse says that's because Joan is an asshole. Everyone laughs. He admits he's kidding, because he knew right away they'd be friends. Besides, they have crazy sexual energy.
Joan didn't agree with Clint's ideas either but tried to support him. Clint says she was helpful. She says he's dogmatic but he's come a long way. "He's changed as much as he possibly can change without deep therapy." Trump thinks people don't change.
Trump asks Clint if he ever takes his hat off (not much) and maybe Trump should wear a hat. Ivanka says his hair is iconic. Clint says a black hat makes your head look thinner. (Heh, well, it doesn't stop him from being a fathead.)
Trump asks them about David Lee. Annie pipes in that he's a friend of hers. Joan gripes and shushes Melissa who is trying to shush her.
Annie thinks she shouldn't be fired because a lot was put on her. Melissa says Brande made those decisions. Brande agrees and says Annie is the "queen" of these things. Ivanka feels that Brande is undermining herself by admitting that she delegated the most important tasks to Annie. A good PM shouldn't forgo those opportunities.
Brande doesn't feel she "forgooed" anything. (Melissa smirks at "forgooed.") Melissa says she felt shut out by them. Annie says she never lied and has never attacked any of them in boardroom, unlike Joan and Melissa. Joan says, well, not lied to people's faces, no.
Joan says Brande's not a leader.
Jim thinks Brande should not describe Annie as a queen, because Brande as PM should be the queen. Instead, she and Melissa are pawns.
Melissa thinks that Annie thinks that Melissa would be easier to beat than Brande. Annie says Brande is the stronger fundraiser.
They review the ads. Brande thinks KOTU's is better than expected, but still not better than theirs. Annie agrees. But Joan, Clint, and even Jesse think theirs is branded better than Athena's.
The execs allegedly liked both, but they liked KOTU's better. "All Clint," Joan says. Trump tells Jesse to be more gracious. Clint gets $20,000 for his charity International Rett Syndrome Foundation, which funds research for treatment of the neuro-developmental disorder.
The boardroom
Outside, Annie tells Melissa she wasn't conspiring against her. Melissa says she hated high school and this feels like high school. Brande thinks she'll be fired.
Joan and Jesse offer Clint a gracious and sincere toast. Clint is elated with his win. Jesse also toasts Joan for keeping them out of trouble.
Jim says Brande made the call as to who should do what, so she should be fired. Ivanka thinks Brande's the obvious choice too, but perhaps Annie or Melissa will hang themselves. They call the team back in.
Trump asks Brande why she shouldn't be fired. She tells them she works hard and has raised the second highest money of "anybody here," meaning Annie. They didn't tell her not to be PM.
Jim asks why Melissa didn't have much to do. (Joan says Brande's dumb. Clint laughs.) She doesn't have much of an answer. Trump asks if being pretty means you don't have to use your brain as much. Brande says it's the opposite. (Joan says both breasts can count to 10.)
Trump asks Annie who she'd fire. Annie says it could go either way, but Brande has been a stronger player overall.
Brande says Melissa has gotten too personal, and it's taking away from the task. She and Annie would do better without Melissa.
Jim is annoyed that they aren't slitting each others' throats right now. Brande says she answered their question, but Ivanka says Jim meant she should defend herself more passionately. Ivanka says she didn't say why Melissa should be fired. (I disagree.) Brande says Melissa should be fired because Brande is a better player and can bring in more money, "so how about that."
Melissa defends herself vigorously. She interrupts Trump to finish and says they didn't use her ideas and she has two ripped tendons. Brande and Annie take exception to Melissa's claims that she worked the hardest.
Ivanka notes that Annie's still not taking any heat for their loss even though she was responsible for most of the work, while Brande and Melissa are arguing with each other.
Trump writes a note and passes it to Jim.
Trump says Melissa hasn't raised much money compared to the other two. He asks Jim's opinion. Jim says he was thrilled that Brande stepped up to be PM, and maybe Annie deserves the free pass she's getting, so he'd fire Melissa. She asks why. Trump says it's about raising money; her people wouldn't put out for her. She's fired. Her charity, Lili Claire Foundation which provides help and support for neuro-genetic conditions, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
The other two lag behind and she runs away. After they leave, Jim says Brande turned it around by fighting back.
In the suite, Joan says they now have a Nazi and a follower, and she's not coming in tomorrow. She doesn't work with scum. Melissa comes up to see her mother and says Annie and Brande are "whore pit vipers."
Melissa runs out of there and screams that she wants her shit (excuse me, I mean "bleep") now because she's not coming back for an interview. (In case you didn't know, the "taxicab interviews" aren't shot right away; the fired people come back to do them.) Joan calls Brande a stupid blonde for letting Annie manipulate her, and Annie's "people" "give money with blood on it" and they don't have last names and poker players are worse than white trash.
Meanwhile, Melissa's enraged screams can be heard in the boardroom.
KOTU: Joan and Jesse, led by Clint
Athena: Melissa and Annie, led by Brande
Eyes and Ears: Jim Cramer and Ivanka Trump
Outcome: KOTU wins because Athena's ad is even worse.
Fired: Melissa, for weak fund-raising. Her charity, Lili Claire Foundation which provides help and support for neuro-genetic conditions, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
Donation: $20,000 to International Rett Syndrome Foundation, which funds research for treatment of the neuro-developmental disorder.
In the suite, Athena watches Herschel get fired. Annie wonders how Clint keeps managing not to get fired. She notices that he doesn't even say goodbye to Herschel. Jesse thinks Clint let Herschel make the wrong decisions on purpose.
Jesse takes his check to his old school, delighting the shop teacher and signing autographs for kids.
Trumps transfers Jesse to KOTU. Melissa gripes to us, because now it's just going to be her and the Brande/Annie Mutual Admiration Society. Jesse tells Trump he was happy winning with Athena, but adds, "I love Joan." He's not so happy to be working with Clint.
The task is to create a four-page deodorant "advertorial" for a sports magazine, featuring David Lee of the NY Knicks. Jim Cramer will be the ears or eyes. Jesse admits he doesn't wear deodorant.
Brande volunteers to lead Athena because she has photo shoot experience and hasn't been project manager in a long time. Clint volunteers to lead KOTU because he's "been successful in the past." (Actually, the one time he was PM before, both his team and the other team lost, and it was another advertising task.)
Athena prepares
Melissa has some brainstorming ideas, which are met with silence. (Literally... no one else is talking.) Annie tells us they were cockamamie ideas that weren't right for a sports magazine and they're going to have to cut her out of the process. Then Annie has the idea to have David Lee be naked, covered only by a basketball. (Melissa had already suggested "posing naked for a photo," but I guess it's not cockamamie if Annie repeats it.)
They meet with the execs, who don't think the idea is too risque. The team bombards the execs with questions. Annie makes faces every time Melissa speaks, even cutting her off in mid-question at one point. Melissa wants to know if there are other design elements they'd like to see besides the product itself, and Annie shuts down that question too. Melissa gripes.
Brande tasks Annie with brand messaging and the presentation. Brande and Melissa will oversee the photo shoot. Yep, Annie is given two tasks while Brande and Melissa will split one. Melissa gripes.
Annie tells them her idea: the ad will show 24 hours of Lee's day, doing things and not visibly sweating. She describes the order of the photos, which I can already tell is not going to work (the naked picture is on page 3 instead of at the end, sort of like giving the punchline 3/4 through a joke). Then Annie asks for Brande's blessing and humbly says she's in charge. Brande tells Annie she's the queen of this stuff. Melissa gripes.
Annie is friends with David Lee. She scouts locations with the photographer and calls Brande to gloat that they'll get to shoot with him first so they'll have more time to put their ad together.
Melissa gripes because Annie and Brande are always talking on the phone when they're apart. Melissa confronts Brande (now that Annie is gone) and says they're shutting her out and conspiring to get rid of her. Brande denies it, inasmuch as Melissa lets her get a word in at all.
Brande says now she's irritated with Melissa.
At a location shoot, Melissa directs the models and thinks she's done her part now to avoid being thrown under the bus. Annie asks Brande if she can do anything else. Brande tells her about the confrontation with Melissa earlier, that Melissa thinks they're "coercing against her." After clarifying that Brande means "conspiring," Annie says Melissa is already conspiring against herself. Both Annie and Brande tell us that Melissa weakens the team.
When Lee shows up, Brande says he's cute and takes over photography. Melissa gripes. Annie talks to Melissa and says hey, Brande gave her all those tasks, she didn't ask for them. Annie tells Melissa that they're having opposite problems. Annie tells us she's manipulating Melissa because she wants to be in the final four.
Jim Cramer comes by. They show him their layout. Annie tells him all of the things she did and the ideas she came up with and that she was tasked with a lot. Melissa gripes. Jim tells us Annie's doing a clever job of positioning herself to take all of the credit and none of the blame.
Jim asks what's the one thing each of them would want him to say on her behalf. Brande wants to be seen as a good leader. Annie wants to be known as having worked her ass off and done amazing branding. Melissa wants to be thought to have visually told a story, and most of all, for their team, she wants to be able to say it was equal. ANNIE GRIPES!! Strenuously!
Next day, Annie does the presentation, wordily explaining their ad. For example, she explains the significance of raised arms in a deodorant commercial. Melissa gripes that Annie was too stiff. You know what, at this point I hate all three of them. I say fire 'em all plus Clint and just skip to the finale with Joan and Jesse.
KOTU prepares
They meet with the execs and ask good questions. However, unlike Athena, they also let the execs talk. They talk about their branding and their trademark orange power stripe. (This was one of the things that Melissa had tried to ask about but was cut short by Annie.) Clint asks if they can have a sexy woman in the ad. Jesse tries to poke his eyes out.
Joan doesn't know much about all this guy stuff. Clint brilliantly says his idea is that David Lee is this guy who sweats but doesn't stink. Jesse researches David Lee. Joan thinks it would be funny for him to be surrounded by tall black guys. (I'm sure that would have been hilarious in, say, the 1950s.) Or have him be naked and paint an orange stripe down his body to look like the deodorant. Jesse thinks Lee could be the new small-town kid in the big city, with the tall buildings towering over him but he's not breaking a sweat. They'll run the orange stripe along the bottom of the ad. Clint thinks this idea doesn't "meet the criteria," but his own slogan ideas are trite, generic, and very wordy. Jesse tries to commit suicide by stuffing a deodorant stick in his mouth. (I'd do screen grabs if I had the technology.)
The photographer shows up. Jesse asks Clint again if he wants to include the NY cityscape. Clint agrees to let Jesse get those pictures.
Contrary to Annie's believe that getting Lee first will give them more time to work on the layout, KOTU begins laying out the ad before Lee arrives. In the studio, they take test shots using other guys (including Clint) as stand-ins for Lee. Clint puts it all together with some of Jesse's ideas.
Ivanka comes by to check up. Joan says Clint has become a 12 to 18% better listener, while Jesse is nonargumentative and "picks his battles." Clint believes that Jesse is trying to let Clint hang himself. Joan agrees that this could be the case. Clint thinks Jesse didn't give enough feedback.
Jesse tells us they're going to lose. He has "that feeling of doom" and thinks Clint is holding them back with his lack of talent.
Clint is stuffing as much text into the ad as possible and insisting on a lot of additional visual clutter. Jesse hints that there might be too much text. Joan protests; he blows her off. Jesse notes that there are two deodorant sticks where the World Trade Center used to be.
Clint worries that he didn't add enough text. Jesse refuses to reply. Clint tells us he used some of Joan's and Jesse's ideas even though they weren't great.
Jesse asks Joan when she thinks he should start arguing with Clint. Joan tells him to speak up now, but Jesse keeps quiet and tries to choke himself on that deodorant stick again.
Clint directs the photo shoot with David Lee. Clint has him and the model squashed together at the end of a couch. Jesse thinks he's doing it wrong and finally speaks up, but Clint wants the deodorant to dominate the picture.
Annie sticks her nose in to be nosy. Joan gripes.
Jesse says the layout sucks. Joan asks him what he would change. Jesse says delete the whole thing and do it the way he said in the first place. Clint doesn't understand what Jesse wants. Jesse scolds Clint for not listening to him at the beginning. Clint accuses Jesse of sitting on it for too long and says Jesse's idea wasn't that good. Jesse calls him a pussy (the audio is bleeped, but it's in the captions) for not owning his own idea.
Joan thinks Clint is actually making great progress in terms of accepting other people's ideas, but Jesse doesn't understand how far he's come. Jesse calls him stupid, untalented, etc. repeatedly and gloats out loud that Clint will be fired. Joan says Clint and Jesse sound like her first marriage.
Next day, Clint delivers the presentation, explaining his ad, which makes it a little less confusing but not more appealing. (The ad itself is indescribably bad, but I'd just like to point out that I haven't even attempted to describe the Athena ad.) Jesse gripes.
Judgment
The execs tell Trump that both teams did well. (I take it their employer doesn't offer a vision care plan.) KOTU did good branding with the orange motif. They didn't do a good job linking Lee to his team.
Athena's pictures are good and so is their branding and the NBA thing. But they didn't like the order of the pictures. The best picture (only waist-up, naked, the ball is in front of his chest) is buried on page 3.
The postmortem
Annie and Melissa praise Brande as a leader.
Jesse says KOTU wasn't much of a team because Clint underutilized him and Joan. Clint doesn't realize what he can't do, while Jesse owns a magazine. He couldn't communicate with Clint. Clint says he used Jesse's ideas and was confused when Jesse didn't like how it ended up looking. Clint says Jesse's not a team player.
Joan says it was hard to be a team player. Jesse says that's because Joan is an asshole. Everyone laughs. He admits he's kidding, because he knew right away they'd be friends. Besides, they have crazy sexual energy.
Joan didn't agree with Clint's ideas either but tried to support him. Clint says she was helpful. She says he's dogmatic but he's come a long way. "He's changed as much as he possibly can change without deep therapy." Trump thinks people don't change.
Trump asks Clint if he ever takes his hat off (not much) and maybe Trump should wear a hat. Ivanka says his hair is iconic. Clint says a black hat makes your head look thinner. (Heh, well, it doesn't stop him from being a fathead.)
Trump asks them about David Lee. Annie pipes in that he's a friend of hers. Joan gripes and shushes Melissa who is trying to shush her.
Annie thinks she shouldn't be fired because a lot was put on her. Melissa says Brande made those decisions. Brande agrees and says Annie is the "queen" of these things. Ivanka feels that Brande is undermining herself by admitting that she delegated the most important tasks to Annie. A good PM shouldn't forgo those opportunities.
Brande doesn't feel she "forgooed" anything. (Melissa smirks at "forgooed.") Melissa says she felt shut out by them. Annie says she never lied and has never attacked any of them in boardroom, unlike Joan and Melissa. Joan says, well, not lied to people's faces, no.
Joan says Brande's not a leader.
Jim thinks Brande should not describe Annie as a queen, because Brande as PM should be the queen. Instead, she and Melissa are pawns.
Melissa thinks that Annie thinks that Melissa would be easier to beat than Brande. Annie says Brande is the stronger fundraiser.
They review the ads. Brande thinks KOTU's is better than expected, but still not better than theirs. Annie agrees. But Joan, Clint, and even Jesse think theirs is branded better than Athena's.
The execs allegedly liked both, but they liked KOTU's better. "All Clint," Joan says. Trump tells Jesse to be more gracious. Clint gets $20,000 for his charity International Rett Syndrome Foundation, which funds research for treatment of the neuro-developmental disorder.
The boardroom
Outside, Annie tells Melissa she wasn't conspiring against her. Melissa says she hated high school and this feels like high school. Brande thinks she'll be fired.
Joan and Jesse offer Clint a gracious and sincere toast. Clint is elated with his win. Jesse also toasts Joan for keeping them out of trouble.
Jim says Brande made the call as to who should do what, so she should be fired. Ivanka thinks Brande's the obvious choice too, but perhaps Annie or Melissa will hang themselves. They call the team back in.
Trump asks Brande why she shouldn't be fired. She tells them she works hard and has raised the second highest money of "anybody here," meaning Annie. They didn't tell her not to be PM.
Jim asks why Melissa didn't have much to do. (Joan says Brande's dumb. Clint laughs.) She doesn't have much of an answer. Trump asks if being pretty means you don't have to use your brain as much. Brande says it's the opposite. (Joan says both breasts can count to 10.)
Trump asks Annie who she'd fire. Annie says it could go either way, but Brande has been a stronger player overall.
Brande says Melissa has gotten too personal, and it's taking away from the task. She and Annie would do better without Melissa.
Jim is annoyed that they aren't slitting each others' throats right now. Brande says she answered their question, but Ivanka says Jim meant she should defend herself more passionately. Ivanka says she didn't say why Melissa should be fired. (I disagree.) Brande says Melissa should be fired because Brande is a better player and can bring in more money, "so how about that."
Melissa defends herself vigorously. She interrupts Trump to finish and says they didn't use her ideas and she has two ripped tendons. Brande and Annie take exception to Melissa's claims that she worked the hardest.
Ivanka notes that Annie's still not taking any heat for their loss even though she was responsible for most of the work, while Brande and Melissa are arguing with each other.
Trump writes a note and passes it to Jim.
Trump says Melissa hasn't raised much money compared to the other two. He asks Jim's opinion. Jim says he was thrilled that Brande stepped up to be PM, and maybe Annie deserves the free pass she's getting, so he'd fire Melissa. She asks why. Trump says it's about raising money; her people wouldn't put out for her. She's fired. Her charity, Lili Claire Foundation which provides help and support for neuro-genetic conditions, gets nothing from this show that I know of.
The other two lag behind and she runs away. After they leave, Jim says Brande turned it around by fighting back.
In the suite, Joan says they now have a Nazi and a follower, and she's not coming in tomorrow. She doesn't work with scum. Melissa comes up to see her mother and says Annie and Brande are "whore pit vipers."
Melissa runs out of there and screams that she wants her shit (excuse me, I mean "bleep") now because she's not coming back for an interview. (In case you didn't know, the "taxicab interviews" aren't shot right away; the fired people come back to do them.) Joan calls Brande a stupid blonde for letting Annie manipulate her, and Annie's "people" "give money with blood on it" and they don't have last names and poker players are worse than white trash.
Meanwhile, Melissa's enraged screams can be heard in the boardroom.
4/30/2009: Great Moments in "The Office"
Kevin: The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.
Meredith: Don't fall in love with me, kid.
Phyllis: Close your mouth sweetie. You look like a trout.
Dwight: Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Andy: It is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Dwight: I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going on when they were gone.
Michael: I am not to be truffled with.
Michael: You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Michael: Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classical difficult decision.
Dwight: I am cowboying this meeting.
Michael: There's no easy way of saying this, so I think I will just drag it out.
Michael: You are not fired. Yet.
Meredith: Don't fall in love with me, kid.
Phyllis: Close your mouth sweetie. You look like a trout.
Dwight: Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.
Andy: It is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Dwight: I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going on when they were gone.
Michael: I am not to be truffled with.
Michael: You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Michael: Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classical difficult decision.
Dwight: I am cowboying this meeting.
Michael: There's no easy way of saying this, so I think I will just drag it out.
Michael: You are not fired. Yet.
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