04/12/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Safety Training

Andy: I'm Drew now.

Dwight: I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Michael: I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.

Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.

Darryl: You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin'on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

Michael: Big deal. I've worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter.

Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato...

Dwight: I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.

Michael: This is about doing. Not thinking.

Andy: When's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight: Unshun. Never. Reshun.

Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Darryl: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you. I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Michael: I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes.

04/05/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Negotiation

Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Jim: Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, and not the nunchucks or throwing stars.

Dwight: The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime - those are the real heroes.

Michael: Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that, wow. Genius.

Darryl: Are you wearing lady clothes?

Michael: I do not buy women's clothes. Would not make that mistake again.... I wear men's suits. I got this out of a bin.

Michael: Every year, I get a $100 gas card. You can't put a price tag on that.

Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Michael: I accidentally cross-dressed.

02/22/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Cocktails

Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Pam: I'm going to start telling people what I want directly. So look out world, 'cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants... and don't call me "Pammy."

Dwight: You know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Jan: What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing; downside, I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse into myself like a dying star.

Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said.

Michael: "No" means "please don't."

Jim: What the hell, have you dated every guy here?

Karen: Hey, Jan!
Jan: Not so good.

Michael: It's funny, I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan.

Dwight: I found some termite damage in a crawl space, and some structural flaws in the foundation, so... all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Roy: I didn't do anything. Ask anybody. I totally could have, and I didn't at all.

Michael: If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle.

Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.

10/19/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Initiation

Michael: I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

Dwight: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you.

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.

Dwight: Ryan, just get in the coffin.

Dwight: They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Dwight: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.

Jim: How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?

Stanley: 364 days till the next Pretzel Day.

10/12/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Grief Counseling

Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Jim: I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Creed: A human can go on living fo several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What'd I say?

Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.

Dwight: I gave him a six-foot extension cord so he can't chase us.

Michael: Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here it would reach all the way to Reception. Probably get on Pam.

Michael: He leaves work, he's on his way home, Wham! His cappa is ditated from his head.

Michael: If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael: It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly alone.

Dwight: I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Ryan: My cousin, Mufasa, was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard, all of us kind of in the audience... of what happened.

Michael: Toby killed this bird and now we are going to honor it.

Michael: Grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

09/28/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Convention

Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Or not adopt.

Michael: You know what Pam? If in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...

Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, "looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut."

Michael: Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.

Michael: You don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Jim: When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke.

Kevin: Pam's back on the market again. If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.

Kelly: Allen's cartoons are so funny, right? And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.

Michael: I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the papaer industry. Is he why you left?

Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu so he knows you're worth it.
Stanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out.
Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.

Allen: "Freedom fries for the table." People always say don't be edgy, but I don't know any other way.

09/21/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Gay Witch Hunt

Dwight: Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. I cry myself to sleep. False. I do not miss him.

Michael: You don't call retarded people "retards." It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded.

Michael: I have been calling people "faggy" since I was in junior high and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know.

Jim: I can't say whether Dunder-Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.

Karen: Jim's nice enough, but I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that?

Dwight: Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.

Kelly: It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Oscar: Yes, I am super-cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellan.

Andy: I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm going to lose my freakin'mind!

Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?

Creed: In the 60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Michael: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela: Judges and juries.

Phyllis: We all thought you were gay in high school, what with your ties and your matching socks.

Michael: I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this, and I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.

Michael: Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

02/09/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Valentine's Day

Meredith: "Happy Valentine's Day darling, Love, Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."

Michael: It's New York, city of love.

Michael: New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan's the other name.

Dwight: It's me. I'm the bobble-head.

Ryan: I hooked up with her on February 13th.

Michael: Times Square! Most people, when they come to New York, they come to the Empire State Building. That's very touristy. I come here.

Michael: This is the world-famous Rockefeller Center, founded of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is the skating rink, and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes.

Pam: Sometimes a gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean like a ham?

Michael: Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmarks of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our basis on.

Michael: I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, what it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes, or try on Phyllis's pants.

Michael: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

Roy: Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home, and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.

10/04/05: Great Moments in "The Office" - Office Olympics

Dwight: He's like Mozart, and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, and you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Kevin: We call it "hateball" because of how much Angela hates it.

Stanley: Yeah, I've got a game. It's called Work Hard So My Kids Can Go To College.

Angela: I do play games. I sing, and I dangle things in front of my cats.

Dwight: If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Pam: When he's excited about something, like Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so, that hardly ever happens.

Dwight: Question: My grandparents left me a large number of armoires...

Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to Reception to talk to you.

Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

Jim: Those are the doves.

09/27/05: Great Moments in "The Office" - Sexual Harrassment

Michael: We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey, and Pam is Rachel, and Dwight is Kramer.

Michael: One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so you know one thing led to another, And we brought 'em back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!

Toby: Basic rule of thumb - let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.

Jim: Oh my God, put on a shirt. I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European.

Michael: You are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us, Darryl banged her... and he's about 90% sure.

Michael: I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"? Wow, that is really hard. Do you really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Pam's mom: So, which one is Jim?

Michael: I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here. Give me a kiss. I'm not worried. You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Michael: At some point the daddy can't take a bath with the kids any more. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to.