02/01/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Ben Franklin

Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery.

Michael: To jump-start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these, and clip them wherever.

Michael: Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman's bra.... You just twist your hand until something breaks.

Michael: This may be Phyllis's only wedding ever. It's my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins.

Michael: I had a very different understanding as to what primae noctis meant.

Michael: It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.

Pam: I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP, ANGELA!

Jim: Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam: You should get more sleep.

Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called "Banana Slings." Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Ryan: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: I got all the foot off of it.

Roy: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art.

Michael: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? I have a girlfriend.

Elizabeth: You want me to answer the phones with my clothes on?

Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity. I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Michael: Stripper, could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend you danced up on me?

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

01/18/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Return

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words: Hard working, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.

Kevin: Hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?

Angela: Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things and I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired and I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations and certain accountants.

Michael: I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.

Michael: Go find firecrackers and a chihuahua.

Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, like Pepe?

Michael: Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.

Dwight: Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral.

Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man.

Pam: I think we broke his brain.

Michael: I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

01/11/07: Great Moments in "The Office" - Traveling Salesmen

"Harvey": Me so horny. Me love you long Tim.
[...]
Pam: I'd love to meet Long Tim.

Andy: I'm not falling in a chocolate river.

Andy: Every success I've ever had - in my job, or with the ladyfolk - has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.

Dwight: I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

Andy: We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.

Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.

Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.

Andy: Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax Not Yours, Inc."

Andy: Oompa loompa doompadee dossum, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome.

Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me, so much, but he will be missed.

Dwight: One of my life's goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

12/14/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - A Benihana Christmas (2 parts)

Dwight: Can you watch this? I'm going to get my carving knife out of the trunk.

Dwight: Apparently they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.

Dwight: You can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.

Michael: This is my girlfriend Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em the other side.

Pam: For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. They're considering him for a top-secret mission.

Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!

Jim: Will they still air Rudolph?

Michael: How did you push away the bad thoughts? Like maybe the reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed that were foreign and scary.

Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: Now orange is whorish.

Dwight: Why don't you just buy the whole song?

Michael: We're going to Asian Hooters.

Meredith: Is that a threat?
Angela: No, it's an invitation.

Kevin: I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela.

Darryl: When you get done with your meeting, you should come to the break room. We're having a party.

Angela: Where's Dwight?
Cindy: Is he the hot one, or the giant baby?

Angela: I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack.

Michael: You know how all waitresses look alike.

Michael: I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals Jamaica.
Cindy: No, I have school.

Michael: I put a mark on her arm so I could tell 'em apart.

Oscar: Too soon.

Jim: Maybe the CIA could send a helicopter.

Dwight: "You have been compromised. Abort mission, destroy phone."

11/30/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Convict

Kevin: Why am I a racist?
Michael: Because you think he's black.

Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Jim: Do you speak Pig Latin?

Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

Kevin: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?

Karen: You can't give paper clips to a baby. He could swallow them.
Creed: That's okay. I've got tons of 'em.

Michael: This office is the American Dream, and they would rather be in the "hole."

Jim: Can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?

Prison Mike: I am here to scare you straight!...I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped the president's son and held him for ransom... And I never got caught, neither... Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothin'but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair... The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.

Michael: If this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

Michael: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford to a convict to my friend back to a convict then to kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

Andy: Someday we'll find it, the Ainbowray Onnectioncay,..

11/16/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - The Merger

Dwight: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight: I could beat that on a skateboard.

Pam: This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer.

Michael: You're very exotic-looking. Was our father a GI, or...?

Andy: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Karen: It smells like a funeral home... never mind, I think I'm just allergic to your perfume.

Phyllis: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.

Michael: Tony, please join your cohorts on the table, if you will.

Michael: I'm under this hock here... I'm right in your crack!
Tony: It's just not a good fit.
Michael: We'll squeeze you in.

Michael: They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out - it's so hateful: "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck."

Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.

Michael: Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change, because by the end of the fourth grade the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.

11/09/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Branch Closing

Jim: I send Dwight faxes from himself from the future.

Michael: Show me that farm with Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking.

Andy: The Scranton branch is closing? In your face!

Jim: I always knew that the branch would shut down someday, I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Roy: You know that Cinderella song "You Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it in words.

Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.

Michael: We did it! We did it!!... how did we do it? I don't understand.

11/02/06: Great Moments in "The Office" - Diwali

Michael: That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up, because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

Dwight: "I see dead people." He was dead the whole time.

Andy: We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I.

Michael: I'm doin' it with Carol. Probably tonight.

Carol: I thought you said this was a costume party.

Michael: These s'mores are disgusting.

Pam: At least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

Kelly's Dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?

Michael: Is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire?

Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money now to start a family and home?
Ryan: Or travel, and buy an Xbox.
Dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen.

Pam: I'm rejecting your kiss.